Sick and tired of myself

I'm getting tired....of life...of my family's problems...tired that I want to run away but I can't...I know....I know that running away won't solve anything....I can't forgive myself if I ran away. But when a problem comes...and it's not something I can ignore...can't run, can't hide...I can only face it head on...no matter how tired I am...

I'm starting to get sick of responsibility...and I sometimes am sick of myself...because I can't let go of my responsibilities. It's frustrating, isn't it? I know...when something happens...and it's not my fault...there was nothing I could do about it...because I can't change mindsets... But when something, especially in my family, happens...then...I feel like...I should have done something. If I shouldered my responsibilities better...then maybe...maybe it wouldn't happen. If I only I did better, if only I watched over her closely...be a bit more strict...it's sickening isn't it, this sense of responsibility. Yet, I can and will not relinquish this..I'm a hypocrite...I stand tall and try to be cheerful all the time...it's weird...I really am happy..but at the same time...I feel that I put up a mask for people to see...but it's real...

I don't want things to break...I don't want relationships to get ruined....but I can't think of any ways to solve this problem without burdening any of those three. I'm selfishly trying to change myself...but I don't want others to change....私。。。いやな人でしょう? 自分が変わりたいのに。。回りの人達変わりさせたくない。。。自分のこんなところ。。。いやなんだよ。。。

Always...always trying to solve problems logically....stifling the emotional side of me...why? It's too dangerous...I can't let my emotions take me over...if it happens...then all I have now..all I worked to build in myself...it'll all break. Have I become...numb? Hahahaha....I'm a hypocrite aren't I? I'm so good at lying I deceive even myself...but all that I say and do, I say and do truthfully...there has never been anything that is of false intention. All that I say and do...I mean them...but to feel so many conflicting emotions...to have these contradicting thoughts...I might be lying to myself, aren't I?