Stuck at a crossroad...

A loss of direction...no map...no signboards...no strangers to ask.... It was always like that with my life, because I lived my life dictated by other people, people who could 'tell' me what I needed to do. It's like not learning how to drive because you're always driven around. It's not something I'm proud of, but I took advantage of the convenience. And now...I'm paying the price.

I've been left in the outbacks with a car and no directions. I don't know which way to go because I don't know where I want to go. Right now there are many roads ahead of me....a crossroad perhaps....that's where I am. There are many options ahead of me.

I can choose to go in a direction which I have been dictated, but even that destination has several routes to it. An assured way is to head straight on, sure that I will reach the destination, but the road is much travelled by, and I have no desire to be the 'same'. I'm not an anti-conformist, but I seek ways to be individualistic. The other option is therefore to take a longer route which should also take me to the dictated destination, except it is much longer, and there are more unfamiliar scenery along the way.

Of course, there's also the option of choosing a destination of my own. But where? There are so many places I want to go to, but I only have so much fuel and so much time... Vaguely, in my mind, there is a destination, but it means stepping on foreign soil. It means wading in unknown waters, unsure of myself, unsure of the world, uncertain about the sight which will greet me. Will it be a path paved with bricks, or a rocky mountain trail? It is tempting, but at the same time it is frightening, because I don't know if I can rely on my internal compass to guide me to the end. There will be more signs on the way, but can I trust myself not to misread them?

Of course, I can always choose to turn off the engine and stay where I am but I won't be making any headway, will I? To stay put, is to be unable to advance...and unable to retreat, and it is not an option I will consider lightly.

It is much riskier to tread unknown waters, but it is far more frightening not knowing where I want to go. I don't want to drive around aimlessly and suddenly find that I am way off course, with no fuel left in my tank. It is...nightmarish... Yet how do I decide the path for which I will travel for the miles ahead? How can I assure myself that it was the right choice? And how can I ever know if it was wrong?