Buddhism VS Christianity

More and more problems are cropping up with my attempts at getting financial assistance for my college fees. The truth is my parents are having difficulties paying, will probably continue to have difficulties paying for the next year or so. I'm worried to the point that it's taking off some of my concentration. My parents said not to, but hell, you already told me. Of course I worry!

My mum is making it sound like it's my fault that they're in this situation. It's my fault that I didn't get the qualifying grade for scholarship, it's my fault that my chances for financial assistance is slim, it's my fault that I chose to study at HELP. So I suppose it's my fault too that the US stock dropped 700+ points?

I don't know whether to be pissed or sad...these circumstances are not within my control, yet she conveniently grumbles in a way that hints at my responsibility in this predicament. What do you want me to do? Change college? Change major? Would you be happier if I just stopped studying and work to support you?

I like studying. I have never caught myself once saying that I hate learning. Never. To learn...to study is the only thing I know how to do...without it, I am nothing. None of my other skills have meaning if it wasn't because I liked to study. I don't want to lose the only thing that I know how to do. I certainly don't want to be pushed to the edge by something as stupid as financial problems. If I have to stop studying because I can't bloody pay for it, I might as well jump off a building because I can't fly. I've been thinking of alternatives...the most obvious being trying out for whatever scholarship or financial assistance available. The other is try to get a part-time job to partially provide for myself, but I know myself more than anyone else. I won't be able to concentrate fully on my studies, and I won't compromise my studies. I'm not like other people. I wasn't born into a wealthy family, I wasn't born pretty so that I can fall back on my looks, I wasn't born with much talent at anything else. The only shot I get at my future is through my studies, and if I lose it......I don't even want to think about what will happen....

The thing is, my parents said something that caused my a lot of internal conflict. "Why do you have so many obstacles in your way? Have you noticed that ever since you became a Christian, nothing has ever gone smoothly for you?"

I was hurt...I was shocked, but worst of all...I knew it was true. It was true that ever since 2 years ago, whenever I tried to do something, I faced a lot of obstacles. Even things which normally would not have been tough became problematic. I had to fight, I had to struggle. I always thought it was because God was testing me. But it could also be because I had created a bond while I was a Buddhist. This bond is not made lightly, because once you are bound, then you are a disciple forever. Yet, I broke this bond and abandon my old 'family'. While I believed that Buddha was compassionate, I also wondered if I'm having so much trouble because I had lost their blessings.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a believer for close to 2 years now. I truly felt God, and I know He exists. But at the same time, I wonder if this is the road I am supposed to walk on? Religion isn't like clothes, you can't choose to switch religion however you want. I know because I've suffered from the painful process of deciding....I still am. I am being truthful when I say that in my heart, there exists 2 spiritual beliefs. One is the side of me who had been brougth up and initiated as a Buddhist. The side of me who, even before I became a Christian, was taught to be 'Godly' in Christian terms by changing certain behaviours. The side of me who still believes that sometimes, your karma decides your future. Yet, there is another side of me who felt the presence of God so strongly I cried. The me who felt that God truly existed and that He is indeed here to bring us salvation.

Yet the idiosyncrasy with religion is that you can never be both. I have to choose, but I cannot because I can sincerely say I believe in both. I believe in fate, and I believe that there is a road I'm fated to walk on. Even my religion is set into the stones of this road. I believe in God, but is Christianity my fate? Am I written in the stones of destiny as a Christian? 2 great gurus once told my parents that I will walk back unto this road one day. I don't know what to say. I believe the gurus the same way I believe my pastor. They're all credited people who can speak for the religion. But I cannot make a choice. I really can't.

There is no one I can turn to in this, because the nature of human beings are to be biased to one's own group. It cannot be helped. My parents have said that they cannot advise me on religious issues, because this is a choice I have to make myself, but they're not forcing me to choose now. They say that time will show you the way, but my journey to that moment will be painful. It will be filled with obstacles and I will constantly have to fight. I don't know what to do...there is no discerning between the 2 beliefs I've held dear to me. Both are real, both are true...and only time will show me the way.