Hidden feelings...

I used to think that I would be happy just being who I am. I would be contented with what I can have and not ask for more. But now, I know how difficult it is to tell myself that in the face of...face of what? A lack of a person to share my life with? A fulfilling relationship?

It isn't like I don't have fulfilling relationships. I have good, helpful colleagues, caring friends, and a family I love and who loves me. I have people to share interests with, people who understand me and people whom I show different sides to. But deep down I think I hunger for something more intimate. How do I know this? I don't.

It's just, I sometimes think I'm very fickle. Just not too long ago, I jested about a certain seiyuu whom I really liked. I like to daydream...I think I like to fantasize. Maybe I'm reaching a stage in my life where I want that kind of relationship, the kind of deep connection I see some of the people around me are having. Maybe I'm just young. Maybe I'm just wanting something that I don't have at the moment. I don't know. It's a really bizarre feeling.

The reason for this reflection right now is because, after being persuaded by a friend to rewatch a series I ended up following this particular actor I told myself I would stop following. Already I'm watching videos of him again and looking up pictures. I think it's ridiculous, to imagine being in a relationship with someone like. His looks are my type, and with the recent coverage, I realised I like his really tender side, and the side of him which can be really deep and emotional, and how he cared so much for his family. I even started thinking that, hey, maybe it won't be such a bad idea. And like I said, I like to fantasize, and I imagine meeting this person. But none of these make sense, none of these are possible. I just...I think I might be a little frustrated at myself. I think...I feel that I was being very superficial, I was being very unrealistic. I know this is the impossible, and yet I want to continue daydreaming about things like these. Is it foolish of me?

Deep down inside, I really want someone to care for me, to tell me that they think of me in a special way. But at the same time, a part of my mind rejects the whole idea that I would want, would hunger for this kind of attention. It's not that I don't want to fall in love. I just...don't want to fall into a trap of being too eager to misread signs and jump to conclusions. I don't want to spend so much time have romantic fantasies with people I know I might never even meet, yet I'm a bit...okay, a lot...of a romantic at heart.

Maybe my friend was right when they said I have high expectations. Maybe I'm just being unrealistic. I don't know. It frustrates me that I think about this and know that I'm just dreaming, yet I don't like myself for being such an airhead. I'm being contradictory, I know. What do I want? What do I really want?

Deep deep down inside, what am I looking for in the end? A successful career? To have a family of my own? Recognition? Fame, fortune? No, I don't think fortune is the one...maybe...maybe I just want affection. I want to have someone to love and that someone to love me back. And I'm foolish enough to want to wish that it was that person, whom I might never meet, in a personal circumstance, what more to actually have that person like me. I think I'm being very foolish. Yes, foolish...but I enjoy the feeling of being in a fleeting fantasy. Because right now, I don't have anyone. And I'm not in that situation to have those feelings. So I want to project, to transfer, whichever it is, my imaginary feelings to an imaginary person. Do you think I'm being silly? I think I am...but I want this sort of feeling. I need this feeling to make myself feel human. So perhaps I should simply accept that I'm a very contradictory person, who wants to be in love, but hates the idea of being in love for the sake of being in love. Indeed, a part of me has that little sliver of hope that maybe my little fantasies will come true. But as much of an optimist as I am, I think there are still things in the world which is...highly unlikely.