これでいいのかな?
このまま諦めても本当にいいのかな?
好きとか何とか言われなかったけど、 この思いを押えるのかしら?
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でももう。。。手が届かないんだ。。。
Friday, May 29, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Dreams of being chased
Ah...recently I've been seeing some really strange dreams...and they all have a particular theme...chasing.
More precisely, I've been dreaming about being chased by people quite often lately. It's a little strange, but from what I can remember, it's happened about three times now, and in a short period of a few weeks. Given that I don't normally remember my dreams well, it must have made a significant impact on my mind.
The first of these took place in a kinda small village in some isolated place. I vividly remember there was a really big lake...or maybe it was the sea...but it was very beautiful. Then in the center of that lake, there was a small isle, and some way off was an entrace to a cave which can only be entered when the tide is low. There's a very high, very sharp cliff that's facing the lake, and there's a really big house right at the edge. In my dream, I somehow knew the house belonged to someone with a lot of authority. I mingled with the common people during the day, but at night, I had to infiltrate the house to steal something. I don't know why...but the sense of having a mission to do was there. And when I got to the room on the highest floor, before I could grab whatever it was I needed to take...someone barged right in. Somehow I knew it was the bodyguard of whoever lived there. There was nowhere to run, so I jumped through a glass window and fell towards the lake... It was a very surreal feeling, falling from that height. I could almost feel the wind rippling through my hair and clothes, the unusual sensation that I was probably going to fall to my death. Yet the only thing I could think of then was how the surface of the lake looked like beautiful jewels glittering under the moonlight. Miraculously (or not), I was uninjured as I landed in the lake...swam into the cave, and hoped the guy after me wouldn't know this cave existed. But he did, and I was trapped with no way out. The moment he called me, I woke up.
At first I thought it was because I watched too much anime, but a similar dream happened soon after that. Again, the theme was that I intruded into a building, this time a flat-like structure. Vaguely, I remembered seeing some shops there...and again, there was someone pursuing. This time, I couldn't remember why I was being chased, but I get the feeling if I get caught, the consequences wouldn't be pleasant. So I ran up, floor after floor, till I hit like...maybe the fourth or fifth floor, then I ran into a fabric shop I think. The guy who was chasing me ran off in another direction, and I ran into the toilet, or the storeroom...can't remember which. Then he was banging on the door...he knew I was there. And it was really...odd. A part of me wants to get caught...see what would happen if I did, but another part of me knew I needed to escape. So I climbed out of a small window, and there I was standing on a very narrow ledge of the fourth or fifth floor. I think I woke up at that point, because I can't remember anything beyond that.
Then the last one, which was really recent, was even more vague. I was just walking around when someone ordered a guy to capture me. Again, I don't know why...It was bizarre, because the guy drove like...a truck or something to come after me, and I was running on foot. I saw the face of the dude (looks strangely similar to Wooyoung, though) and I remember feeling somewhat terrified. At some point, I got on a horse and tried escaping on it, but I hit a dead end when it refused to jump the fence. Figures...I never knew how to ride a horse., in and out of the dreams. And the Wooyoung-lookalike was coming nearer too. Again, at the critical moment when he was close to approaching, there was a conflicting feeling of wanting to be caught, yet wanting to get away.
In all these dreams, I never really knew why I was running away, or why exactly was I being pursued. But as a psych student, maybe...I don't know, it's just my own interpretation...maybe I was running from something in my waking life. It felt like something that was way bigger than me...sometihng that I knew I should give in to, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was something like my responsibilities...maybe there's something in my life that I really want to let go off...or something I don't want to face, but I have to. Then again, I remember the vague thrill of the chase...it was slightly scary, yes, but at every moment when I feel like I'm cornered...there was always a slight feeling of excitement that I'll finally get caught, yet there's the feeling that I shouldn't "lose". It's a really odd way of seeing it, but maybe I want to relinquish control...wanting to succumb..to surrender for once. After fighting, struggling, running for a long time, there was a sense of wanting to just give in and give up. Accompanying that thought was a rush of being in a situation where I'm not in control. Haha...maybe I'm an M. But it could also mean that I'm tired of playing the leader role and having to take responsibility for...whatever it is, and just have someone lead me instead...
This is all way too Freudian, but hey, every Psych student falls into Freudian interpretation now and then...or maybe my friend was right and I'm just a tsundere who really wants to do it. XD
More precisely, I've been dreaming about being chased by people quite often lately. It's a little strange, but from what I can remember, it's happened about three times now, and in a short period of a few weeks. Given that I don't normally remember my dreams well, it must have made a significant impact on my mind.
The first of these took place in a kinda small village in some isolated place. I vividly remember there was a really big lake...or maybe it was the sea...but it was very beautiful. Then in the center of that lake, there was a small isle, and some way off was an entrace to a cave which can only be entered when the tide is low. There's a very high, very sharp cliff that's facing the lake, and there's a really big house right at the edge. In my dream, I somehow knew the house belonged to someone with a lot of authority. I mingled with the common people during the day, but at night, I had to infiltrate the house to steal something. I don't know why...but the sense of having a mission to do was there. And when I got to the room on the highest floor, before I could grab whatever it was I needed to take...someone barged right in. Somehow I knew it was the bodyguard of whoever lived there. There was nowhere to run, so I jumped through a glass window and fell towards the lake... It was a very surreal feeling, falling from that height. I could almost feel the wind rippling through my hair and clothes, the unusual sensation that I was probably going to fall to my death. Yet the only thing I could think of then was how the surface of the lake looked like beautiful jewels glittering under the moonlight. Miraculously (or not), I was uninjured as I landed in the lake...swam into the cave, and hoped the guy after me wouldn't know this cave existed. But he did, and I was trapped with no way out. The moment he called me, I woke up.
At first I thought it was because I watched too much anime, but a similar dream happened soon after that. Again, the theme was that I intruded into a building, this time a flat-like structure. Vaguely, I remembered seeing some shops there...and again, there was someone pursuing. This time, I couldn't remember why I was being chased, but I get the feeling if I get caught, the consequences wouldn't be pleasant. So I ran up, floor after floor, till I hit like...maybe the fourth or fifth floor, then I ran into a fabric shop I think. The guy who was chasing me ran off in another direction, and I ran into the toilet, or the storeroom...can't remember which. Then he was banging on the door...he knew I was there. And it was really...odd. A part of me wants to get caught...see what would happen if I did, but another part of me knew I needed to escape. So I climbed out of a small window, and there I was standing on a very narrow ledge of the fourth or fifth floor. I think I woke up at that point, because I can't remember anything beyond that.
Then the last one, which was really recent, was even more vague. I was just walking around when someone ordered a guy to capture me. Again, I don't know why...It was bizarre, because the guy drove like...a truck or something to come after me, and I was running on foot. I saw the face of the dude (looks strangely similar to Wooyoung, though) and I remember feeling somewhat terrified. At some point, I got on a horse and tried escaping on it, but I hit a dead end when it refused to jump the fence. Figures...I never knew how to ride a horse., in and out of the dreams. And the Wooyoung-lookalike was coming nearer too. Again, at the critical moment when he was close to approaching, there was a conflicting feeling of wanting to be caught, yet wanting to get away.
In all these dreams, I never really knew why I was running away, or why exactly was I being pursued. But as a psych student, maybe...I don't know, it's just my own interpretation...maybe I was running from something in my waking life. It felt like something that was way bigger than me...sometihng that I knew I should give in to, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was something like my responsibilities...maybe there's something in my life that I really want to let go off...or something I don't want to face, but I have to. Then again, I remember the vague thrill of the chase...it was slightly scary, yes, but at every moment when I feel like I'm cornered...there was always a slight feeling of excitement that I'll finally get caught, yet there's the feeling that I shouldn't "lose". It's a really odd way of seeing it, but maybe I want to relinquish control...wanting to succumb..to surrender for once. After fighting, struggling, running for a long time, there was a sense of wanting to just give in and give up. Accompanying that thought was a rush of being in a situation where I'm not in control. Haha...maybe I'm an M. But it could also mean that I'm tired of playing the leader role and having to take responsibility for...whatever it is, and just have someone lead me instead...
This is all way too Freudian, but hey, every Psych student falls into Freudian interpretation now and then...or maybe my friend was right and I'm just a tsundere who really wants to do it. XD
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