誰でも裏と面がある。。。
そう。。。誰にでも、面と裏があるよ。誰でも分かるはず言葉なのに。。。人は何故、誰かの裏を見ると悪口をするのかな?
どんなきれいな面を持っていても。。。必ず同じほどの裏があるさ。私自身もね。。。
これこそ逃げられない現実だ。自分は思うほど良くなくて、強くない。心の中に。。。弱くて、臆病な私がどこかで隠れている。
それにしても、ひとはそれぞれ精いっぱいがんばって、本当の自分をなる為に。。。
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
Hisashiburi ni...
It's been a month....a month since I last posted here...a month of calm. Or rather, there were other things, distractors...things that were much more important than me. So much work that it's almost driving me nuts...so many issues on the job and off the job that I need to think of....so much so that I haven't had the time for myself...and that means I haven't had the time to pick on the issues I've been worrying about. But finally the assignments are over, finally I have some time freed up, and what better time to reflect on what's been happening.
First off...I seem to remember being ill most times. Well, not ill, just a bit off colour, but that's something to be expected, I guess. After all, juggling the schedules of a college student and a tutor means I need to constantly on the top of the game, so I suppose it's not surprising that it's taking a toll on my body. It isn't a good thing...must nurse my body back to health once the holidays come by. Right now, I'm still coughing...and there's an ulcer near my tonsils, so every time I swallow it hurts. ><
Mentally, I'm exhausting myself everyday just thinking about how to organise all my work so everything gets done on time. The game assignment, the research...to be honest, I've put so much of myself in it I wonder if it's a good sign. I'm kinda glad it's over, so I can slow down a little now...study for the finals at a nice pace...
There's been a lot going on in the family too. Haven't been keeping in touch with them as often as I should...miss them a lot... I just want to finish up quickly so I can go home and see the faces of my loved ones. Ah, I'm tearing up a little...looks like I've really been stretched. Just yesterday, I received news that my granddad has been hospitalised. His lungs collapsed and he's now having a really tough time breathing. I don't know what to say to that. To be honest, I've never been that close to my father's side of the family, but to be so detached...should I be ashamed?
I wonder if stress makes people want to do some crazy things... My desire for learning is coming back to me in full strength. I've already taken the placement test for Jap, but my mum insisted that I should go for it next year...so that I can come back to Ipoh for te long break in Aug. I don't know...I suppose it can be done. After all, sensei is in Ipoh. Then there's the deep thirst to try out dancing...as a form of exercise it'd be great, since I'm not fond of working out, so dance is about teh only physical activity that I might enjoy. Jazz and hip hop are the top ones in my head right now. There's also drums...and guitar. How can one person want to learn so many things? I'm surprised at myself sometimes...am I a fickle person?
Ah, on a side note, looks like the flame isn't out yet...there's yet an ember still glowing dimly at the sight of the person. But knowing that I'm not the spark the person is looking for, I'll need to extinguish it...drowned out with a barrage of other things which are more important.
First off...I seem to remember being ill most times. Well, not ill, just a bit off colour, but that's something to be expected, I guess. After all, juggling the schedules of a college student and a tutor means I need to constantly on the top of the game, so I suppose it's not surprising that it's taking a toll on my body. It isn't a good thing...must nurse my body back to health once the holidays come by. Right now, I'm still coughing...and there's an ulcer near my tonsils, so every time I swallow it hurts. ><
Mentally, I'm exhausting myself everyday just thinking about how to organise all my work so everything gets done on time. The game assignment, the research...to be honest, I've put so much of myself in it I wonder if it's a good sign. I'm kinda glad it's over, so I can slow down a little now...study for the finals at a nice pace...
There's been a lot going on in the family too. Haven't been keeping in touch with them as often as I should...miss them a lot... I just want to finish up quickly so I can go home and see the faces of my loved ones. Ah, I'm tearing up a little...looks like I've really been stretched. Just yesterday, I received news that my granddad has been hospitalised. His lungs collapsed and he's now having a really tough time breathing. I don't know what to say to that. To be honest, I've never been that close to my father's side of the family, but to be so detached...should I be ashamed?
I wonder if stress makes people want to do some crazy things... My desire for learning is coming back to me in full strength. I've already taken the placement test for Jap, but my mum insisted that I should go for it next year...so that I can come back to Ipoh for te long break in Aug. I don't know...I suppose it can be done. After all, sensei is in Ipoh. Then there's the deep thirst to try out dancing...as a form of exercise it'd be great, since I'm not fond of working out, so dance is about teh only physical activity that I might enjoy. Jazz and hip hop are the top ones in my head right now. There's also drums...and guitar. How can one person want to learn so many things? I'm surprised at myself sometimes...am I a fickle person?
Ah, on a side note, looks like the flame isn't out yet...there's yet an ember still glowing dimly at the sight of the person. But knowing that I'm not the spark the person is looking for, I'll need to extinguish it...drowned out with a barrage of other things which are more important.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Irony of Morality
After attending a lecture on morality, it made me wonder about morality and the human conscience. How do we differentiate right from wrong? How is that we judge and evaluate the actions and intentions of other human beings? It's simple for animals; if it doesn't harm you then it's not bad. We humans establish complex systems and concepts to regulate this idea we call morality.
According to Kohlberg, at one point, the human morality adheres to right and wrong because the rules or norms have been socially accepted and reviewed. The highest level of morality results from ethics which an individual chooses to adhere to. But doesn't that tell us that morality is not a stable, concrete thing? I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron, no? Society tells us that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but who created the laws? Is there a universal 'right' and a universal 'wrong'? If indeed, as Kohlberg had said, laws and rules were created through norms, and that they are rules because the society decides that it is...then morality is about as malleable as PlayDoh. And isn't this visible even now? Different societies have a different system for what can and cannot be done...and even then, there are those who would bend and manipulate these existing rules to ensure that they get the biggest piece of the pie.
If we think about it, morality was simply a concept thought up by humans to maintain order and avoid anarchy. But what good is morality if we simply 'put' it on to save our skins? Because isn't that what many do? To follow the law because they don't want to suffer the unpleasant consequences...in some case, laws be damned, they just want to get what they want. Behind the "moral" actions of many lie other things...things we call pride, fear, attention...self-serving righteousness... Are we so primitive that we cannot process the idea of morality at a level higher than ourselves? Yes, we have religion..and these have emphasised on a morality that seems true, but again, we have those people who would not hesitate to twist the word of God to serve their own needs. We humans can be pretty hypocritical.
Of course, there are people who have transcended this flawed perspective, but these people are so rare, you wonder if they really are so noble. And we call ourselves higher beings compared to animals. At least my dog is sincerely doing whatever he pleases and expressing himself as he is. Perhaps we human beings have yet to undergo a moral evolution that can help us become better people...I guess we will only find out in the next hundred million years or so, if we don't buck up.
According to Kohlberg, at one point, the human morality adheres to right and wrong because the rules or norms have been socially accepted and reviewed. The highest level of morality results from ethics which an individual chooses to adhere to. But doesn't that tell us that morality is not a stable, concrete thing? I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron, no? Society tells us that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but who created the laws? Is there a universal 'right' and a universal 'wrong'? If indeed, as Kohlberg had said, laws and rules were created through norms, and that they are rules because the society decides that it is...then morality is about as malleable as PlayDoh. And isn't this visible even now? Different societies have a different system for what can and cannot be done...and even then, there are those who would bend and manipulate these existing rules to ensure that they get the biggest piece of the pie.
If we think about it, morality was simply a concept thought up by humans to maintain order and avoid anarchy. But what good is morality if we simply 'put' it on to save our skins? Because isn't that what many do? To follow the law because they don't want to suffer the unpleasant consequences...in some case, laws be damned, they just want to get what they want. Behind the "moral" actions of many lie other things...things we call pride, fear, attention...self-serving righteousness... Are we so primitive that we cannot process the idea of morality at a level higher than ourselves? Yes, we have religion..and these have emphasised on a morality that seems true, but again, we have those people who would not hesitate to twist the word of God to serve their own needs. We humans can be pretty hypocritical.
Of course, there are people who have transcended this flawed perspective, but these people are so rare, you wonder if they really are so noble. And we call ourselves higher beings compared to animals. At least my dog is sincerely doing whatever he pleases and expressing himself as he is. Perhaps we human beings have yet to undergo a moral evolution that can help us become better people...I guess we will only find out in the next hundred million years or so, if we don't buck up.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Coming to terms...
To think that the one time my gut instinct proved right was when I suspected that I was out of the running. It's strange...when I first got a vague sense that I won't even qualify to compete, it's as though I became resigned to the fact. Surely it was a defense mechanism, this strange apathy, this unsurmising callousness.
Because all the intensity I had felt over this, when I realised that there was hardly any chance that it will be reciprocated, I immediate withdrew upon the well-built fortress of my mind, constructed with logic, strengthened by rationality. It was a response I am too familiar with...to distance myself and intellectualise the emotional part of me...to chastise it so that I mold myself to the rules of logic and thereby, rendering the injury to my fragile sense to its minimum.
And it worked of, of course. Intellect and logic are great things. They can kill, suffocate, numb one's emotional sensitivity. I know now for sure that I have lost, but I am able to joke about it, to feel detached from the repercussions that should have accompanied this blow. But I am fine, thanks to my wretched rationality. Ah, how ironical that the thing that is protecting me is also my biggest liability...but for now, I shall give it appreciation, for saving my soul from a cut.
Because all the intensity I had felt over this, when I realised that there was hardly any chance that it will be reciprocated, I immediate withdrew upon the well-built fortress of my mind, constructed with logic, strengthened by rationality. It was a response I am too familiar with...to distance myself and intellectualise the emotional part of me...to chastise it so that I mold myself to the rules of logic and thereby, rendering the injury to my fragile sense to its minimum.
And it worked of, of course. Intellect and logic are great things. They can kill, suffocate, numb one's emotional sensitivity. I know now for sure that I have lost, but I am able to joke about it, to feel detached from the repercussions that should have accompanied this blow. But I am fine, thanks to my wretched rationality. Ah, how ironical that the thing that is protecting me is also my biggest liability...but for now, I shall give it appreciation, for saving my soul from a cut.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Falling out?
It's a bit weird isn't it, lately? At least, that's what I've been feeling. Like I'm falling out with you guys. I want to hang out with you guys, but can't because of the things I needed to do. I couldn't lunch with you guys due to meetings and stuff, couldn't hang out coz I was busy...and I have the feeling lately that I'm not clicking anymore.
When I try to talk to you people, it's like it's nothing more than being superficial. Something's wrong...something's missing. It's as though when I try to talk to you, there's no eagerness to talk. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward.
In all honestly, I felt left out when you guys went ahead and grouped yourselves without any hints of whether you want me in or not. In fact, it felt more like you guys weren't too keen on it. I felt that it was weird, but I thought, hey, we're all grown up. We don't need to be in the same groups all the time.
But my paranoia has only been getting worse. I don't know how to start a conversation with you guys anymore, because it's strangely silent. You guys talk amongst yourselves...but I was never able to include myself, because firstly I had no clue what you guys were harping on about, so I chose to just keep quiet and listen. And when I tried talking, the conversation ended quickly.
Am I being oversensitive? Maybe I am...but it doesn't mean that I deny what I've been feeling. I feel like an outcast, like I'm just an extra of the group...I'm not needed there. That's the vibe I've been getting. And because I still feel that we are friends that I chose not to ask if something was wrong. I don't know if something was indeed off. I don't dare to ask. Was it me? Was it something I did or did not do? Why does it feel like I'm drifting further apart from the group? It's like, having your friends go out and never invite you, yet to hear all about it later...that kind of feeling..
I'm lost and confused about what's happening. I think I'm being paranoid...maybe just too touchy lately. But it doesn't help that I really feel that you guys don't seem to want to talk. Maybe I'm just being weird lately...but it's making me lonely...
When I try to talk to you people, it's like it's nothing more than being superficial. Something's wrong...something's missing. It's as though when I try to talk to you, there's no eagerness to talk. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward.
In all honestly, I felt left out when you guys went ahead and grouped yourselves without any hints of whether you want me in or not. In fact, it felt more like you guys weren't too keen on it. I felt that it was weird, but I thought, hey, we're all grown up. We don't need to be in the same groups all the time.
But my paranoia has only been getting worse. I don't know how to start a conversation with you guys anymore, because it's strangely silent. You guys talk amongst yourselves...but I was never able to include myself, because firstly I had no clue what you guys were harping on about, so I chose to just keep quiet and listen. And when I tried talking, the conversation ended quickly.
Am I being oversensitive? Maybe I am...but it doesn't mean that I deny what I've been feeling. I feel like an outcast, like I'm just an extra of the group...I'm not needed there. That's the vibe I've been getting. And because I still feel that we are friends that I chose not to ask if something was wrong. I don't know if something was indeed off. I don't dare to ask. Was it me? Was it something I did or did not do? Why does it feel like I'm drifting further apart from the group? It's like, having your friends go out and never invite you, yet to hear all about it later...that kind of feeling..
I'm lost and confused about what's happening. I think I'm being paranoid...maybe just too touchy lately. But it doesn't help that I really feel that you guys don't seem to want to talk. Maybe I'm just being weird lately...but it's making me lonely...
Sunday, December 07, 2008
A Metaphor, Really...
Life likes to deal a strange hand to those who expect otherwise.... When one expects to better a situation, life delivers a rather dreary circumstance. When one anticipates a time of struggle, life throws pleasantries into the path. It never does turn out the way you expect it to be.
I thought it was over, this monsoon. But when I looked up to hunt for the tint of blue sky I so expected, there it was, in the distance, rising and advancing like a siege upon the land clouds of grey. I could not be prepared to face it...it was much abrupt, but there was a sliver of excitement that tingled through my nerves as the first spray began.
The storm which I thought to have fully receded struck softly against my boat. The waves were just enough to rock me without threatening to capsize the tiny vessel in which I was contained. Do I want to be out there watching it? I do not know. On one hand, I fear the danger it may pose to be exposed so overtly to the cause of my distress. Yet that which lies in the eye of the storm is a rather engaging sight. I cannot hope to be free if I fret at being tossed around in the water while vaguely enjoying the sensation. Is there no end to my turmoil against myself?
I thought it was over, this monsoon. But when I looked up to hunt for the tint of blue sky I so expected, there it was, in the distance, rising and advancing like a siege upon the land clouds of grey. I could not be prepared to face it...it was much abrupt, but there was a sliver of excitement that tingled through my nerves as the first spray began.
The storm which I thought to have fully receded struck softly against my boat. The waves were just enough to rock me without threatening to capsize the tiny vessel in which I was contained. Do I want to be out there watching it? I do not know. On one hand, I fear the danger it may pose to be exposed so overtly to the cause of my distress. Yet that which lies in the eye of the storm is a rather engaging sight. I cannot hope to be free if I fret at being tossed around in the water while vaguely enjoying the sensation. Is there no end to my turmoil against myself?
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
A Calm from the Storm
It has been quieter now....the storm has receded...for the moment at least. The workload has taken away the initial anxiety I've been feeling recently. Indeed, work can cure such subtle pains...or kill it perhaps. But it has no more long-term effect as a quick fix of sugar when I'm tired. I crash later...
You know, Dr. Goh once said that your state of mind affects how you interpret all the different things you feel....but I'm not sure he's entirely right. Or maybe I'm just a different case. When I'm optimistic, rather than being sorta kinda sure that I'm in it, I feel more like...that's not it. I'm a little more assured that I might not have made a possibly embarrassing (and painful) mistake, and the grip of that paradoxical fear loosens. But in days when I've had it rough, I ache a little more....and I doubt myself a little more. The fear clutches me in an iron grip and throws me out to sea, where I have to struggle to stay above it all. I lose my direction altogether, and there's nothing around me that could draw me out of this confusion. Am I so afraid of mistakes? Or am I afraid of falling in in the first place because I can't tell for sure it's the right place to be? I don't know...
Now, I'm just enjoying the short-lived peace of mind and calm of heart that the moment has provided me. The storm will stir again, of that I'm sure...especially since I'll be seeing you again.
You know, Dr. Goh once said that your state of mind affects how you interpret all the different things you feel....but I'm not sure he's entirely right. Or maybe I'm just a different case. When I'm optimistic, rather than being sorta kinda sure that I'm in it, I feel more like...that's not it. I'm a little more assured that I might not have made a possibly embarrassing (and painful) mistake, and the grip of that paradoxical fear loosens. But in days when I've had it rough, I ache a little more....and I doubt myself a little more. The fear clutches me in an iron grip and throws me out to sea, where I have to struggle to stay above it all. I lose my direction altogether, and there's nothing around me that could draw me out of this confusion. Am I so afraid of mistakes? Or am I afraid of falling in in the first place because I can't tell for sure it's the right place to be? I don't know...
Now, I'm just enjoying the short-lived peace of mind and calm of heart that the moment has provided me. The storm will stir again, of that I'm sure...especially since I'll be seeing you again.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Anata he no tegami
I really can't tell what's wrong with me.... As I write this, I'm thinking of you, and my chest feels a little uncomfortable because it's beating faster than I'm comfortable with. Lately, I've been wondering about you...what are your likes, dislikes? What are your interests? What are the things that you like talking about most?
Normally, I won't see this as a problem. I'm curious this way with a lot of my friends. I'm a very affectionate person, and I dare say I love my friends a lot....but.... It's weird that I want to know all these things...and when I'm with you, I have the chance to ask, but I couldn't say anything...
It's an amazing thing, because very little can make me speechless. Very little can stop me from talking when I want to talk, and yet...I find that I cannot speak to you when we are alone. And it has come to my notice that lately I look forward to seeing you. Yet, I can't look at you straight in the eye. The reason eludes me even now.
Even as I write this, my chest constricts and I can't breathe properly. Why do you affect me this way? I suspect, but I have no confidence in it. I can't trust myself to know exactly what I'm feeling.
I look forward to the trips home...and sometimes, when you're occupied and someone else offers that trip...in the corner of my heart, I feel a little disappointed. A strange thing considering that we don't speak during that 20-30 mins. I have so many questions, but I can't bring myself to ask. I don't know what we have in common....you are perhaps one of the few people whom I don't dare to load my troubles on...which is strange because I don't normally find it difficult to talk to people I trust. I trust you, yet I can't confide in you because I'm afraid it might bother you, or that it might reflect badly on me.
I'd say that public self-awareness is quite high. I'm conscious of the way I act in front of people, but I can be free-spirited. Though I'm aware of the things I do, I do it because it is me. But in front of you, I don't know how to act. My self-consciousness heightens, and I become afraid that I'm being pretentious. Yet, I'm afraid to show you the real me, afraid that you'll see the flaws, the things I'm not proud of....when I heard you talk about a person the other day, it sounded as though you were interested in that person....it was not the first time, you know, when I find out about these things. I don't know for sure if you have other interests, and I don't know at all if you are aware of the strange way I've been. But it shocked me because when I recall what you say, a little part of me felt a little hurt. And during that trip home, I composed myself, put a smile on my face and waited....waited till I crossed the threshold into my home, and the pretense dropped. The hurt took over me and I could feel the tears brimming up in my eyes. And I wondered why I felt like crying...was there such a need? Did it matter to me that you might have someone else in mind? Why should I cry over something which I don't know to be true, especially when I don't know I feel about it?
Since when did you start affecting me like this? And why didn't I realise it? I keep wondering if what I feel is what I think I'm feeling...but I'm scared of admiting it...scared that after I say to myself that this is how I feel about you, just to find out later that I've been mistaken. Because nothing scares me more than not knowing how I feel....yet it is consistently the thing I know the least. I'm good with theories, books...I have confidence in all things but this, and that is how I feel in matters of the heart. I can read other people's feelings, but I can't read mine...and it bothers me that I don't know.
Today, I talked to one person about this. And she looked at me with a sort of knowing look. I know what she was thinking of, but I cannot say I'm as sure as her. The only thing I can do is let time test it, as I have always done....and pray for the best.
Normally, I won't see this as a problem. I'm curious this way with a lot of my friends. I'm a very affectionate person, and I dare say I love my friends a lot....but.... It's weird that I want to know all these things...and when I'm with you, I have the chance to ask, but I couldn't say anything...
It's an amazing thing, because very little can make me speechless. Very little can stop me from talking when I want to talk, and yet...I find that I cannot speak to you when we are alone. And it has come to my notice that lately I look forward to seeing you. Yet, I can't look at you straight in the eye. The reason eludes me even now.
Even as I write this, my chest constricts and I can't breathe properly. Why do you affect me this way? I suspect, but I have no confidence in it. I can't trust myself to know exactly what I'm feeling.
I look forward to the trips home...and sometimes, when you're occupied and someone else offers that trip...in the corner of my heart, I feel a little disappointed. A strange thing considering that we don't speak during that 20-30 mins. I have so many questions, but I can't bring myself to ask. I don't know what we have in common....you are perhaps one of the few people whom I don't dare to load my troubles on...which is strange because I don't normally find it difficult to talk to people I trust. I trust you, yet I can't confide in you because I'm afraid it might bother you, or that it might reflect badly on me.
I'd say that public self-awareness is quite high. I'm conscious of the way I act in front of people, but I can be free-spirited. Though I'm aware of the things I do, I do it because it is me. But in front of you, I don't know how to act. My self-consciousness heightens, and I become afraid that I'm being pretentious. Yet, I'm afraid to show you the real me, afraid that you'll see the flaws, the things I'm not proud of....when I heard you talk about a person the other day, it sounded as though you were interested in that person....it was not the first time, you know, when I find out about these things. I don't know for sure if you have other interests, and I don't know at all if you are aware of the strange way I've been. But it shocked me because when I recall what you say, a little part of me felt a little hurt. And during that trip home, I composed myself, put a smile on my face and waited....waited till I crossed the threshold into my home, and the pretense dropped. The hurt took over me and I could feel the tears brimming up in my eyes. And I wondered why I felt like crying...was there such a need? Did it matter to me that you might have someone else in mind? Why should I cry over something which I don't know to be true, especially when I don't know I feel about it?
Since when did you start affecting me like this? And why didn't I realise it? I keep wondering if what I feel is what I think I'm feeling...but I'm scared of admiting it...scared that after I say to myself that this is how I feel about you, just to find out later that I've been mistaken. Because nothing scares me more than not knowing how I feel....yet it is consistently the thing I know the least. I'm good with theories, books...I have confidence in all things but this, and that is how I feel in matters of the heart. I can read other people's feelings, but I can't read mine...and it bothers me that I don't know.
Today, I talked to one person about this. And she looked at me with a sort of knowing look. I know what she was thinking of, but I cannot say I'm as sure as her. The only thing I can do is let time test it, as I have always done....and pray for the best.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
未来は闇に。。。
いったい何をやりたいのか? 自分にもあまり分からない。 ただ、人が好き、音楽が好き、言葉が好き。。。日本についての事が大好き。 この全てできる仕事はあるのかな? 心理学を勉強しても、ただの心理学者なりたくない。
何か。。。ステージに関わりたい仕事とかやりたいね。歌う事はあんま出来ないけど。。。演技とかドラマとかすごい興味ある。 今もまだスクリプト書く事が好きし。。。昔のように、変わらない。 日本語はもっと旨くなりたい。。。ならなきゃダメだって。。。今はそう思うの。未来はまだ見えてきないだけど、せめてこの道を。。。
何か。。。ステージに関わりたい仕事とかやりたいね。歌う事はあんま出来ないけど。。。演技とかドラマとかすごい興味ある。 今もまだスクリプト書く事が好きし。。。昔のように、変わらない。 日本語はもっと旨くなりたい。。。ならなきゃダメだって。。。今はそう思うの。未来はまだ見えてきないだけど、せめてこの道を。。。
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