Anata he no tegami

I really can't tell what's wrong with me.... As I write this, I'm thinking of you, and my chest feels a little uncomfortable because it's beating faster than I'm comfortable with. Lately, I've been wondering about you...what are your likes, dislikes? What are your interests? What are the things that you like talking about most?

Normally, I won't see this as a problem. I'm curious this way with a lot of my friends. I'm a very affectionate person, and I dare say I love my friends a lot....but.... It's weird that I want to know all these things...and when I'm with you, I have the chance to ask, but I couldn't say anything...

It's an amazing thing, because very little can make me speechless. Very little can stop me from talking when I want to talk, and yet...I find that I cannot speak to you when we are alone. And it has come to my notice that lately I look forward to seeing you. Yet, I can't look at you straight in the eye. The reason eludes me even now.

Even as I write this, my chest constricts and I can't breathe properly. Why do you affect me this way? I suspect, but I have no confidence in it. I can't trust myself to know exactly what I'm feeling.

I look forward to the trips home...and sometimes, when you're occupied and someone else offers that trip...in the corner of my heart, I feel a little disappointed. A strange thing considering that we don't speak during that 20-30 mins. I have so many questions, but I can't bring myself to ask. I don't know what we have in common....you are perhaps one of the few people whom I don't dare to load my troubles on...which is strange because I don't normally find it difficult to talk to people I trust. I trust you, yet I can't confide in you because I'm afraid it might bother you, or that it might reflect badly on me.

I'd say that public self-awareness is quite high. I'm conscious of the way I act in front of people, but I can be free-spirited. Though I'm aware of the things I do, I do it because it is me. But in front of you, I don't know how to act. My self-consciousness heightens, and I become afraid that I'm being pretentious. Yet, I'm afraid to show you the real me, afraid that you'll see the flaws, the things I'm not proud of....when I heard you talk about a person the other day, it sounded as though you were interested in that person....it was not the first time, you know, when I find out about these things. I don't know for sure if you have other interests, and I don't know at all if you are aware of the strange way I've been. But it shocked me because when I recall what you say, a little part of me felt a little hurt. And during that trip home, I composed myself, put a smile on my face and waited....waited till I crossed the threshold into my home, and the pretense dropped. The hurt took over me and I could feel the tears brimming up in my eyes. And I wondered why I felt like crying...was there such a need? Did it matter to me that you might have someone else in mind? Why should I cry over something which I don't know to be true, especially when I don't know I feel about it?

Since when did you start affecting me like this? And why didn't I realise it? I keep wondering if what I feel is what I think I'm feeling...but I'm scared of admiting it...scared that after I say to myself that this is how I feel about you, just to find out later that I've been mistaken. Because nothing scares me more than not knowing how I feel....yet it is consistently the thing I know the least. I'm good with theories, books...I have confidence in all things but this, and that is how I feel in matters of the heart. I can read other people's feelings, but I can't read mine...and it bothers me that I don't know.

Today, I talked to one person about this. And she looked at me with a sort of knowing look. I know what she was thinking of, but I cannot say I'm as sure as her. The only thing I can do is let time test it, as I have always done....and pray for the best.