Another rant post

I know. I'm here again. Every time I'm here, it only means one thing. I want to rant, about my feelings of annoyance or anger or irritation, about my personal failures. Every post in this blog symbolizes one time in my life where I felt I was rock-bottom, or when I was not in control of my own emotions. It is a time of self-defeat.

And this time? Well, I guess I am just upset over how a dear friend and colleague of mine acted today. First of all, instead of blaming others, let me just reflect on my own mistakes. I admit that it wasn't right to change a preplanned course of action. I might have even sounded a bit whiny, I don't know, I couldn't obviously tell. I did not make the situation better when I made a joke of the situation, since I know how much you don't like making jokes out of situations like these. I know you were upset, it's written all over your face. That made me unhappy, knowing that as a friend, I somehow contributed to that unhappiness. But as a person, as your colleague, I was also upset over the attitude you displayed over the situation.

You claimed that changing things last minute, using the whiteboard instead of the prepared slides and making that decision in front of the students were not professional. I understood that you have spent the time and effort to book the projector. You also felt that it was more professional as tutors if we had made the changes before stepping into that room. But how professional is it to just pull out of the session like that? How professional was it to tell us that we should just do it, and that you're not going to take part? How do you think I felt? How do you think the students saw us?

I understand that it's your style. You like structure, you like stability and consistency. You like to follow a plan. But making a split second decision to go with another method doesn't mean I'm not acting professional. It's called adaptability. It's called flexibility. Given the situation that we were running late, there was no screen and only whiteboard, I was concerned that it would difficult to see, because when I was a student and had to use the white board as the screen, trust me, it's painful for my eyes and it kills my concentration. The power cord won't reach the plug. Given all these logistics, I thought that getting an extension will eat up even more time into our already delayed start. And all you did while we were deliberating was sit at the back of the class showing a clearly upset expression. It didn't help. At least, not to me.

I'll admit that I'm sensitive. I'm easily influenced by other people. And this includes my emotions. Seeing you like that made me feel bad, and it puts an immediate end to my eagerness to continue presenting the material. But I can't pull out and say I won't do it, because that's my job. At that time, I felt that that was the best step to take and I felt that it was of utmost importance that I remain flexible and keep up a good-humoured appearance. All because I could see that the students felt the tension between us. I wanted to handle it as professionally as I could, so I made jokes, I injected a personal touch to the presentation, to put them at ease. It's not the most interesting topic, so the only thing that will make a difference is the presenters. And one of them had just walked off.

I was affected, not so bad that I couldn't function, but enough that I couldn't perform my best. The whole time I was presenting, a part of me couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. But it was part of my job, and my own personal principles on professionalism that I remain engaged and cheery for the sake of the students. And thinking about how I couldn't give them the best made me feel as though I fell short of my own professional standards.

I was upset, not so much at you, but at myself for being affected. I was not happy that I lost self-control over myself. I was disappointed in myself that I felt that I failed you as a friend and a colleague. Above all, I was disappointed that I could not put it aside and perform my best. I understand that you were unhappy, that you disagreed with what we did, and I respect that you had good basis for it, and I respect that your style was different than mine. But I would have appreciated that you could think beyond yourself and your own unhappiness and respected me, because I too have feelings.

A reflection...

When I look at this blog...it's been four years since I created it.

It was not a blog meant to keep track of my life...it was not a blog meant to share. This was a place where I turned to, only when I'm hurt, only when I want to cry, only when I feel alone and so apart from the rest of the world and yet my mind knows I'm being irrational...

I looked back at the posts I've made...and I noted with a form of reminiscence the first few entries I made. They were posts about my breakup with my first boyfriend. It was so strange, the way I felt detached from it...there was no painful squeezing in my chest, no "If only" thoughts...In a way, I have managed to go through this with no regrets.

I don't know if I have healed, but I think I have. After that, up till now, I have not been in any relationships. Studies just...naturally took over. It was the most important thing to me at this stage, where my future hinged on it. I see him sometimes, in classes. But we don't talk anymore. We've naturally gone our own ways. I wonder if he still thinks about me, or what happened back then? But it doesn't matter. Now, I have my own group of friends, my own priorities. Even though I didn't get into a new relationship, it wasn't as though I wished I was. I knew it was foolish to think that way. It wasn't as though I was not attracted to other guys. But I came to a point where I start to have doubts in my own feelings. I was afraid that all those are fleeting feelings, that I didn't really like the person. So I learnt to stop saying...I learnt to just wait. I told myself that if I can stop worrying about it and wait and see if it holds against the test of time, then it may be true. None of it has. And none ever said anything to me.

So I spent the last few years, being happy with my friends, getting excited over anime...and even now, I am more attracted to certain seiyuu than I am to certain individuals in my immediate life. I guess I stop myself from dwelling on it. I came to appreciate the things and the people that I have....but I told myself not to ask for too much more. A lover, a soulmate...someone I want to share the deepest and most secret part of me...I will be lying if I said I don't think about wanting someone like that. But I know right now, I'm not ready for it. Not because I'm still hurt, but because, right now, I want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in the relationship. That means I'm not ready. And I believe and trust in God, that when the moment comes, that I love someone with every fibre of my being, and that person will love me in return, for every bit of myself, I will be ready.

少女ロマン？

最近「君に届け」を見てたけど。。。可愛いすぎる。　

何その高校少女ロマンス。。。でも。。。風早と爽子の恋はいいね。。。やっぱり、私女子高だったので、憧れますね。。。

“私もこういう恋がしたいな。。。”と思ってたよ。でも、ちゃんと考えば、私の性格ってチズちゃんに似ているよね。。。バカと運動神経のところ以外にな。。。