A reflection...

When I look at this blog...it's been four years since I created it.

It was not a blog meant to keep track of my life...it was not a blog meant to share. This was a place where I turned to, only when I'm hurt, only when I want to cry, only when I feel alone and so apart from the rest of the world and yet my mind knows I'm being irrational...

I looked back at the posts I've made...and I noted with a form of reminiscence the first few entries I made. They were posts about my breakup with my first boyfriend. It was so strange, the way I felt detached from it...there was no painful squeezing in my chest, no "If only" thoughts...In a way, I have managed to go through this with no regrets.

I don't know if I have healed, but I think I have. After that, up till now, I have not been in any relationships. Studies just...naturally took over. It was the most important thing to me at this stage, where my future hinged on it. I see him sometimes, in classes. But we don't talk anymore. We've naturally gone our own ways. I wonder if he still thinks about me, or what happened back then? But it doesn't matter. Now, I have my own group of friends, my own priorities. Even though I didn't get into a new relationship, it wasn't as though I wished I was. I knew it was foolish to think that way. It wasn't as though I was not attracted to other guys. But I came to a point where I start to have doubts in my own feelings. I was afraid that all those are fleeting feelings, that I didn't really like the person. So I learnt to stop saying...I learnt to just wait. I told myself that if I can stop worrying about it and wait and see if it holds against the test of time, then it may be true. None of it has. And none ever said anything to me.

So I spent the last few years, being happy with my friends, getting excited over anime...and even now, I am more attracted to certain seiyuu than I am to certain individuals in my immediate life. I guess I stop myself from dwelling on it. I came to appreciate the things and the people that I have....but I told myself not to ask for too much more. A lover, a soulmate...someone I want to share the deepest and most secret part of me...I will be lying if I said I don't think about wanting someone like that. But I know right now, I'm not ready for it. Not because I'm still hurt, but because, right now, I want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in the relationship. That means I'm not ready. And I believe and trust in God, that when the moment comes, that I love someone with every fibre of my being, and that person will love me in return, for every bit of myself, I will be ready.