The end of the world?

Today, I dreamt about the end of the world. I think.

I don't remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember living next to the ocean, in a beautiful grassy valley. Then, one day, a great Titan who looked like it was made of of lava rose from the sea and a wave of liquid fire swept across the valley. And so I ran, with the one companion I had left, to the other parts of the world (which was partitioned like rooms in a rumah panjang for some reason, and I've never even been to a real rumah panjang!) warning people about the coming disaster (and yes, when I turned around to look back, the wave of lava was catching up).

Many people didn't really believe me, but I went on and on to warn everyone else until I reached the end of the world, where I saw one of our ex-PMs, at which point I just burst into tears. Weird much?

...

I hate it when people say "Don't be afraid of showing your true self". Because people only want to see what they want to see. I hate it when they tell you, "You can share your problems or feelings with me" and then say "I can't stand it when there's too much emotion."

I also hate it when they prepare to say something hurtful, in relation to your person, and then say "Nothing personal, okay?" because it is f**king personal. I hate it when they say something like that and expect you to suck it up and take it objectively like an unfeeling machine. I don't know about you, but I'm a feeling, bleeding human being. How would you like it if I told you "I'm gonna stick a knife in you, but can you pretend it doesn't hurt?" That's how it's like for me when you say these things.

People say to me "I can't relax when there's too much emotion" or "But it is negative". I wanna say it back to them, "How do you know it's negative?" Can you differentiate me when I'm in a neutral mood vs a bad mood? Can you tell it when I'm venting because I'm seriously venting vs when I just want to bitch about something sarcastically? You tell me "I don't like it when you assume a lot of things about me." Well, I don't like it either that you automatically take my silent spells for negative moods. So now I can't even be quiet without appearing pissy?

If I were any braver, or less feeling, I'd tell you exactly how I feel, but it's to my greatest misfortune that I am more afraid of hurting my close friends than I am myself. So when you tell me you're gonna stick a knife in me, instead of taking it and sticking it back in you like I so want to, I suck up it and pretend it doesn't hurt. It's not fair, but it's how it is, isn't it? If at this point, you say "But you can always just be open", I'll slap you and say "Bullshit", because me being open and expressive is me being emotional (especially all the negative ones) and you can 't stand emotions no? So it's tantamount to saying, "You're screwed if you do, screwed if you don't".

I'm gonna be petty now and say, there were so many things I'm not comfortable with about your person. Just a few would be "Why are you always late?" "How can you be such a rock?" "I don't like it when you say stuff like 'Chill' when you don't know if I'm chilling". But did I ever tell you? Hell no. Why? Coz I don't want to hurt you, whom I regard a friend. Screwed up isn't it? But hey, you're sending mixed signals over here. What do you expect me to do? Oh, and even if I do suck it up and you know, lessen the "emotions", do you know what that's like for me? I can't stop feeling you know, unless you kill me and replace me with a talking robot. I'm not like you, who can detach yourself from things and go, "That's nothing to do with me, why would I give a damn?" But then you go around being all upset about some stuff that for me, it really doesn't matter! So why are you feeling so hung up about it? You talk about how everyone should have and respect each other's rights to their own opinion, but you're not respecting my right to express myself. You think it's tiring to be emotional about things, but you talk about it as though you know for sure emotions are tiring. Are you sure it's not because you're not used to having all those emotions? I can't help it when I feel something, but I can certainly not express it. But the emotions have to go somewhere right? You want me to just suppress all of that just so you can have a relaxing work environment? What about me? Can you exude more emotions so I can have a more relaxing work environment?

You ask me "Why didn't you ask why I was moody?" Because the last time I f**king asked, I got told that you want your own space. So I was just trying to be respectful. Stop sending me mixed messages! What is wrong with you? I can't read your mind! And I have my own feelings too! Just because I care a lot about you and don't want to hurt your feelings, I don't appreciate being taken for granted and you expect me to understand your feelings and do something accordingly. But you know what's sad? It's the fact that I can never tell you all these, because I'm afraid of accidentally hurting or offending you. That just sucks, but I don't think you would understand.

Clean up after yourself

Moving is stressful. It's also highly irritating. Especially when lots of the trash in the place does not belong to me, but I have to clean it up. I don't care. I'm not doing it. I don't think it's fair that I have to take out energy to do someone else's work when the person(s) who are supposed to clean up is just "too busy" or think that we have to do it because it was our space. Unfair, unjust, and lots of bull. So don't expect me to clean up after you.

...

If you had to choose between being a person of exceptional talent, but possibly may never be content with life and a typical person of no extraordinary ability but will be content with life, which would you choose?

It's not so much a life decision as it is a driving force behind the paths I could take. From a young age, my parents have pushed me on to a path that could have potentially brought me to becoming someone exceptional. Of course, I meant this in terms of academic excellence. But I also had many opportunities presented to me in the early years. Yet in their pursuit of making me someone exceptional with academics, they took it upon themselves to close all the other doors along the way, effectively barricading all the paths less travelled by. In all other aspects, they insisted on teaching me a life of simplicity, where I can learn to be content with being unremarkable in other areas of my life, as long as I had that one goal, that one destination for which I am headed to.

And then I grew up. I know the simplicities in life, and I know what it means to be content with the little joys. But the premature closing of all the other doors have left its unmistakable print along the path I have thus walked. The way of life made known to me since I was a child encouraged for me to be a typical person, that I should not aspire too loftily, that it was all right to aim at just a little beyond eye level. That I should not focus on other things, or that I was unremarkable in anything else but studies, was a good thing. It was a sign of concentration...plainly put, I've been invested in the one area of which I know I will be able to do well in. But the words of parents are never as their actions, and behind the unspoken rule of "no extremes" in lifestyle, they threw in a strong, resounding message to be different, to be unique, to be "of excellence and of value".

So how was I to reconcile wanting to be typical and to be exceptional at the same time? How was I to know, that their constant whisperings have long planted in me a deeply rooted need to want to be apart from the rest, to stand above the population, to be recognized in a way that no one else can? How was I to know, that at the same time, I was to strive to maintain a clear balance of not aiming too highly for its sheer unrealistic risks? What they have done, they did it for me. They advised me the best they know how, from what they best know about me. But what they never realized is that by closing those doors, I have long lost the opportunity to travel the other paths. I resigned myself to the fact that I was too far gone on this path to turn back, but sometimes, I get a glimpse of the scenery on the other side, and I come to a temporary standstill, wavering as I look at the weather-worn signboards.

好き？

最近好きな人がいると思う。まぁ。。。そう言ってるけど、実に好きかどうか分からないけどね。あの人に惹かれてるのは確かだ。。。でも本当に好きかどうか考えると。。。まだ分からない。

ただ、一緒にいるのが楽しい。一緒に色々するのが好き。この気持ちは。。。いろんな気持ちや思いが混ざっている。憧れや友情や。。。そう。。。もしかして、恋愛感情が混ざってるかもしれない。でも、これは恋かただの憧れか？ハハ。。。考えてるだけでドキドキするな。。。

フゥン。。。好き。。かな？あの人は知らないと思う。。。でも、まぁ、私がバレバレかもしれない可能性もあるから、気づいてるかもしれない。でも別にあの人に知られているのが怖いとかわけじゃない。この気持ちは嫌いじゃないよ。ちょっぴり緊張で、ドキドキで、知られてなくても、知られていても、今を味わって、楽しく過ごせばいい。

Hidden feelings...

I used to think that I would be happy just being who I am. I would be contented with what I can have and not ask for more. But now, I know how difficult it is to tell myself that in the face of...face of what? A lack of a person to share my life with? A fulfilling relationship?

It isn't like I don't have fulfilling relationships. I have good, helpful colleagues, caring friends, and a family I love and who loves me. I have people to share interests with, people who understand me and people whom I show different sides to. But deep down I think I hunger for something more intimate. How do I know this? I don't.

It's just, I sometimes think I'm very fickle. Just not too long ago, I jested about a certain seiyuu whom I really liked. I like to daydream...I think I like to fantasize. Maybe I'm reaching a stage in my life where I want that kind of relationship, the kind of deep connection I see some of the people around me are having. Maybe I'm just young. Maybe I'm just wanting something that I don't have at the moment. I don't know. It's a really bizarre feeling.

The reason for this reflection right now is because, after being persuaded by a friend to rewatch a series I ended up following this particular actor I told myself I would stop following. Already I'm watching videos of him again and looking up pictures. I think it's ridiculous, to imagine being in a relationship with someone like. His looks are my type, and with the recent coverage, I realised I like his really tender side, and the side of him which can be really deep and emotional, and how he cared so much for his family. I even started thinking that, hey, maybe it won't be such a bad idea. And like I said, I like to fantasize, and I imagine meeting this person. But none of these make sense, none of these are possible. I just...I think I might be a little frustrated at myself. I think...I feel that I was being very superficial, I was being very unrealistic. I know this is the impossible, and yet I want to continue daydreaming about things like these. Is it foolish of me?

Deep down inside, I really want someone to care for me, to tell me that they think of me in a special way. But at the same time, a part of my mind rejects the whole idea that I would want, would hunger for this kind of attention. It's not that I don't want to fall in love. I just...don't want to fall into a trap of being too eager to misread signs and jump to conclusions. I don't want to spend so much time have romantic fantasies with people I know I might never even meet, yet I'm a bit...okay, a lot...of a romantic at heart.

Maybe my friend was right when they said I have high expectations. Maybe I'm just being unrealistic. I don't know. It frustrates me that I think about this and know that I'm just dreaming, yet I don't like myself for being such an airhead. I'm being contradictory, I know. What do I want? What do I really want?

Deep deep down inside, what am I looking for in the end? A successful career? To have a family of my own? Recognition? Fame, fortune? No, I don't think fortune is the one...maybe...maybe I just want affection. I want to have someone to love and that someone to love me back. And I'm foolish enough to want to wish that it was that person, whom I might never meet, in a personal circumstance, what more to actually have that person like me. I think I'm being very foolish. Yes, foolish...but I enjoy the feeling of being in a fleeting fantasy. Because right now, I don't have anyone. And I'm not in that situation to have those feelings. So I want to project, to transfer, whichever it is, my imaginary feelings to an imaginary person. Do you think I'm being silly? I think I am...but I want this sort of feeling. I need this feeling to make myself feel human. So perhaps I should simply accept that I'm a very contradictory person, who wants to be in love, but hates the idea of being in love for the sake of being in love. Indeed, a part of me has that little sliver of hope that maybe my little fantasies will come true. But as much of an optimist as I am, I think there are still things in the world which is...highly unlikely.