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I hate it when people say "Don't be afraid of showing your true self". Because people only want to see what they want to see. I hate it when they tell you, "You can share your problems or feelings with me" and then say "I can't stand it when there's too much emotion."

I also hate it when they prepare to say something hurtful, in relation to your person, and then say "Nothing personal, okay?" because it is f**king personal. I hate it when they say something like that and expect you to suck it up and take it objectively like an unfeeling machine. I don't know about you, but I'm a feeling, bleeding human being. How would you like it if I told you "I'm gonna stick a knife in you, but can you pretend it doesn't hurt?" That's how it's like for me when you say these things.

People say to me "I can't relax when there's too much emotion" or "But it is negative". I wanna say it back to them, "How do you know it's negative?" Can you differentiate me when I'm in a neutral mood vs a bad mood? Can you tell it when I'm venting because I'm seriously venting vs when I just want to bitch about something sarcastically? You tell me "I don't like it when you assume a lot of things about me." Well, I don't like it either that you automatically take my silent spells for negative moods. So now I can't even be quiet without appearing pissy?

If I were any braver, or less feeling, I'd tell you exactly how I feel, but it's to my greatest misfortune that I am more afraid of hurting my close friends than I am myself. So when you tell me you're gonna stick a knife in me, instead of taking it and sticking it back in you like I so want to, I suck up it and pretend it doesn't hurt. It's not fair, but it's how it is, isn't it? If at this point, you say "But you can always just be open", I'll slap you and say "Bullshit", because me being open and expressive is me being emotional (especially all the negative ones) and you can 't stand emotions no? So it's tantamount to saying, "You're screwed if you do, screwed if you don't".

I'm gonna be petty now and say, there were so many things I'm not comfortable with about your person. Just a few would be "Why are you always late?" "How can you be such a rock?" "I don't like it when you say stuff like 'Chill' when you don't know if I'm chilling". But did I ever tell you? Hell no. Why? Coz I don't want to hurt you, whom I regard a friend. Screwed up isn't it? But hey, you're sending mixed signals over here. What do you expect me to do? Oh, and even if I do suck it up and you know, lessen the "emotions", do you know what that's like for me? I can't stop feeling you know, unless you kill me and replace me with a talking robot. I'm not like you, who can detach yourself from things and go, "That's nothing to do with me, why would I give a damn?" But then you go around being all upset about some stuff that for me, it really doesn't matter! So why are you feeling so hung up about it? You talk about how everyone should have and respect each other's rights to their own opinion, but you're not respecting my right to express myself. You think it's tiring to be emotional about things, but you talk about it as though you know for sure emotions are tiring. Are you sure it's not because you're not used to having all those emotions? I can't help it when I feel something, but I can certainly not express it. But the emotions have to go somewhere right? You want me to just suppress all of that just so you can have a relaxing work environment? What about me? Can you exude more emotions so I can have a more relaxing work environment?

You ask me "Why didn't you ask why I was moody?" Because the last time I f**king asked, I got told that you want your own space. So I was just trying to be respectful. Stop sending me mixed messages! What is wrong with you? I can't read your mind! And I have my own feelings too! Just because I care a lot about you and don't want to hurt your feelings, I don't appreciate being taken for granted and you expect me to understand your feelings and do something accordingly. But you know what's sad? It's the fact that I can never tell you all these, because I'm afraid of accidentally hurting or offending you. That just sucks, but I don't think you would understand.