If I could ever have a "bad day", maybe today is the day. I don't mean that my day was bad, no...but I end the night feeling down in the dumps...just for one reason.

You know, despite my personality and my confidence in many things, I still feel so anxious when it comes to things like this. Because I really don't know how to deal with it, or handle it. I acted cheerful, attentive and everything else, but how I truly felt inside. I felt a little sidelined, confused and full of turmoil. Every time I'm beside him, I want to turn to him and say something. But I felt so gripped by the loss for words that it hurts.

I could see he was occupied today. His mind was elsewhere. Something was bothering him, I think. But I couldn't say anything. I also felt a vague sense of discomfort. Maybe I'm being oversensitive. Maybe I'm being intrusive. I feel like he's stepping away from me. In my head, I know, people like him probably need their personal space. I've had so many friends like that. But it still hurts like no tomorrow. It hurts more when I start thinking that maybe I'm just annoying him.

Someone said, for every person we fall in love with, we stand a chance to take away not only that person's solitude, but also the potential happiness of someone else who may have been a part of that person's world. But I thinking for me, it's more accurate to say, for every person I fell in love with, I give away a part of myself because I want them to be happy. Sometimes at my own expense. For better or for worse. It hurts even more when the other person doesn't know. And I haven't got the courage to say anything. I watch him interact with other people and wish he could talk to me like that. A deep pressure wells up inside of me, unsettles me and it just fills me with a certain pain.

I feel like I'm hurting. I am hurting. It hurts so much to not be able to talk to him naturally, it hurts so much to feel like he doesn't seem to be comfortable enough to talk to me. It hurts, but what can I do? At times like these, should I keep my distance? Should I stay away even when I want to be beside him so, so much? Will I be able to endure it all? Every time I feel this pain, I want to talk to someone. I want answers to questions I know will never have answers. I want them to take away this pain! But I also know they can't possibly do it. So I cover up my hurt, carry on smiling and do other things to distract myself, when all I really want to do is cry and be comforted. The greatest irony lies in the fact that I do not think I can, I don't think I could allow myself to break down in front of someone. And this is just after 3 months. How long more do I need to endure? Will this all go away? Will it stay? Will it root itself more deeply than ever? And can I hold on and not tear myself up inside from the pain I feel right now? 

Letter to self #7

You know those times in your life when you feel a rush of emotions for someone, and you keep trying to push it down, thinking it was nothing? You know how in those times, you doubt yourself over and over again, convinced that it is a mistake?

I thought it would be like that this time too. But I haven't forgotten. It hasn't gone away. Not even when I don't see this person. The way this person invades my thoughts at any time, anywhere, without a moment's notice or a warning, the way I can't stop thinking about him when I start, the way my mind runs away with itself when I think about him. Before this, the feelings I had for others were fleeting. I knew in my head they weren't serious, and I told myself time will wear it all down. And it did.

At first I told myself that. I told myself that maybe, like every other time, this would turn out in the exact same way with all the other times. But I knew...deep down inside, I knew. This time, it felt different. I've never had my thoughts so filled with one person. I've never had a time when, even supposedly doing something that consumes the totality of my attention, this person just simply floats in and steals my focus. I've never had someone made my heart race like this, for so long a time. I've never had someone who did this to me that I didn't want to avoid. I've never had someone who, when I see someone else engaging with him almost effortlessly, that I would feel so anxious about.

So I knew. Some people have been calling it a crush, but I don't think crushes have ever made me try to imagine a future with a person. I'm a little afraid. I've only known how to be honest with others about my thoughts, but I've never learnt how to be completely honest about my feelings. It's an insecurity that's so deeply rooted in me that I've learnt to instinctively protect myself when I'm about to get hurt. That's why the moment I feel even a fraction of attraction to a person, I try to squash it down. But this is different.

Instead of moving away, I want to be closer to him. I feel like I want to get to know him better, get to understand him. I feel like sitting down with him, just to have long chats with him. I feel like, with this person, I want to be honest with my feelings and tell him how I feel. But I am still afraid. I'm unable to read him, and that makes me wonder how to act around him. I sometimes get so self-conscious I wonder if I'm acting unnaturally. I hide my nervousness extremely well, so I appear confident, but I also want him to notice that I'm nervous and a little shy around him. I want him to know that he affects me in ways no other people have in the past. I'm afraid that he doesn't see me more than a friend, afraid that he would stay away from me if I stupidly opened my mouth. Some people say I shouldn't say a ward, some tell me to just be natural. Many say to just go with the flow. I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated over a person before. But I'm afraid...afraid that I would repeat the same mistake I did back then. A mistake that cost me a part of myself. A mistake which took a long time to heal from.

Yet in all my fear, I sometimes would get glimpses of what it would be like to say it. I get the feeling that I want to be honest with him, even if I end up getting hurt in the end. Because I'm afraid of regrets, and I'm afraid of the me in regret. I want to say it to him, yet I can't find the right words to say. I feel like I can't breathe at times, and I feel so confused and lost at such moments. My head understands what's going on, but I can't seem to get my heart to agree. I want to say it to him, but I'm afraid that I don't mean what I say, and I don't want to say things I don't mean to say. I'm afraid that after saying it, the feelings will disappear, go away. That's why I tell other people first. And in my previous experiences, after I get it out there, after the initial high, it's over. I move on. My feelings change.

But not this time. The more I talk to people about it, the more deeply rooted the feeling becomes. The more I come to realise that I want to be his friend, be by his side...be someone that's important to him. And that throws me off guard so badly I don't know what to do with myself. I won't say I know myself 100%, but I thought I had a certain degree of self-awareness. But I didn't see this coming. I didn't expect the impact he would have on me. Now, I feel stuck because I feel compelled to tell him, and I can't hide my concern, I don't exactly want to. Yet I want to wait for him, to see, to gauge how he feels about me, because that way, I feel safer. I feel less exposed to the risk of rejection. Yet I don't know if I can hold it in anymore, because I feel as though it could burst out of my chest anytime soon. Is this really a crush? Do I just do what I always do - wait for time to tell? If I act as my heart tells me, would I regret it?