If I could ever have a "bad day", maybe today is the day. I don't mean that my day was bad, no...but I end the night feeling down in the dumps...just for one reason.

You know, despite my personality and my confidence in many things, I still feel so anxious when it comes to things like this. Because I really don't know how to deal with it, or handle it. I acted cheerful, attentive and everything else, but how I truly felt inside. I felt a little sidelined, confused and full of turmoil. Every time I'm beside him, I want to turn to him and say something. But I felt so gripped by the loss for words that it hurts.

I could see he was occupied today. His mind was elsewhere. Something was bothering him, I think. But I couldn't say anything. I also felt a vague sense of discomfort. Maybe I'm being oversensitive. Maybe I'm being intrusive. I feel like he's stepping away from me. In my head, I know, people like him probably need their personal space. I've had so many friends like that. But it still hurts like no tomorrow. It hurts more when I start thinking that maybe I'm just annoying him.

Someone said, for every person we fall in love with, we stand a chance to take away not only that person's solitude, but also the potential happiness of someone else who may have been a part of that person's world. But I thinking for me, it's more accurate to say, for every person I fell in love with, I give away a part of myself because I want them to be happy. Sometimes at my own expense. For better or for worse. It hurts even more when the other person doesn't know. And I haven't got the courage to say anything. I watch him interact with other people and wish he could talk to me like that. A deep pressure wells up inside of me, unsettles me and it just fills me with a certain pain.

I feel like I'm hurting. I am hurting. It hurts so much to not be able to talk to him naturally, it hurts so much to feel like he doesn't seem to be comfortable enough to talk to me. It hurts, but what can I do? At times like these, should I keep my distance? Should I stay away even when I want to be beside him so, so much? Will I be able to endure it all? Every time I feel this pain, I want to talk to someone. I want answers to questions I know will never have answers. I want them to take away this pain! But I also know they can't possibly do it. So I cover up my hurt, carry on smiling and do other things to distract myself, when all I really want to do is cry and be comforted. The greatest irony lies in the fact that I do not think I can, I don't think I could allow myself to break down in front of someone. And this is just after 3 months. How long more do I need to endure? Will this all go away? Will it stay? Will it root itself more deeply than ever? And can I hold on and not tear myself up inside from the pain I feel right now?