Letter to self #8

I know today isn't the best of days. It isn't even the worst of days. But it is the day you learnt what it means to feel even a tinge of envy. It feels miserable and painful, isn't it? Watching him being so much more expressive with someone else, and he isn't that way with you, it hurts you deep inside. Deep down, you wish to yourself that he would show you such expressions, that his smile and laughter will be directed at you. I know that's what you want, but I also know that's not what you're getting.

You try to put up a bravado, like you don't care, telling yourself that you'd wait. You'd just continue to behave the way you do, hoping he would notice the signs that you're paying extra attention to him, or that you are trying to tell him, in subtle ways, that you're interested. And it hurts when you can't tell whether it's getting there. I don't know what's worst, him not getting the signals, or getting it but not interested. I know for a fact that you don't feel confident about yourself as a girl. I know for a fact that this is the first time you've been this deep in the whirlpool.

But I want you to hold on. I want you to stay strong, keep doing what you're doing, and if he's really interested, he would approach you no matter what (at least, that's what people say. I, for one, think guys will still have a touch of cowardice in them for things like this). If he's not, I guess no matter what you do, it's wasted on them. You're attracted to his kindness, his smile, and his seemingly genuine care. But at times, he doesn't even look at you twice. So it slices you up inside. Not knowing is tearing you apart, but asking is just this huge risk you don't want to take. It's ok. We all get it. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, or a complete coward, or someone who is full of it. It just means you're a normal girl, with fragile feelings for things like this. Hold on.

I want you to remember that one day, someone will come along and see the beauty in you. Someone will notice who you are, see the nuances in you that he will love, and come to love you for who you are. Someone will learn of the dark, shadowy parts inside you, and still take them in because he loves you and won't want you to be less than you. I know, one day, someone will come along. And you are worth it. I know you feel like crap now, thinking you're the most unattractive person in class, or whatever. But you are worth it. This is just...a painful feeling, which you can endure. And I know you can endure. Because you are kind, affectionate, caring and loving, and you will give your whole heart to the person you love without conditions, even though you know he can hurt you with it. But you are trusting, and you will tell him, in that slightly abashed way you get when you're shy about certain truths, that you trust and love him wholeheartedly. And you know what? He will return your love with the same. One day, someone will come along, and you are worth it. So hold on.