Letter to self #9

With the year drawing to a close, I thought it apt for us to take a look back, because this year meant a lot to both you and I.

2013...

A lot has happened, hasn't it? This year alone marks a special spot in both our histories. You allowed me to blend into you, and you allowed me to be seen by others. In a lot of ways, I feel that this year have been very important for you to become who we are.

Studying, working, doing all sorts of new crazy things...I never thought you had this whole spirit in you, because I knew you would rather be cautious than take risks. But coming into the program has really helped you, isn't that so? I think there were many moments you had to confront yourself. You could have turned away, could have run from it and no one would be the wiser. But you chose to confront yourself anyway. You didn't rely on me to lick your wounds, or allow yourself to swim in righteous self-pity. Those major moments you allowed a select few to see inside you, or to express yourself with self-censorship because you wanted to make sure to be nice and not hurt people's feelings, I think it's a sign of growth, and I think you should be proud of yourself for being able to do that.

In a lot of ways, this year had us both talking to each other a lot, didn't we? Whenever you sit down to reflect about the things that happened, you stop by to see me, and allowed me to share my perspective with you. I think it's refreshing, being able to speak up for once. There were...moments I thought we would both fail. Of course, there were moments when you struggled, but tried to stand on your own. At this rate, I wonder if I would still be needed. But of course, I am, and will always be you, so it's a given that you will continue to need me, just in a different capacity. Perhaps that too would be interesting.

Let's take a look at some of those major points...

Sharing with the class about your own painful experience. This was the beginning of it all wasn't it? That tiny little bit of courage, allowing others to see you for who you are. And to have them all come around and give you a hug, and tell that it's okay to be in pain. That was the beginning. And then, to have others acknowledge that truly, you are actually really shy and secretive about yourself, and to be okay with waiting for you to come out to them. That was what you and I have been searching for all this while. Of course, I don't mean that only good things happened after this, because then you felt more opened up to risks. There was a danger about the experience, and uncertainty which took away that sense of confidence in you. But in its place, I think you are much more honest to yourself, and that is good.

Another major event...that night you decided to tell him. You had it rehearsed over and over in your head, and still, you were nervous, weren't you? And as you'd expected, he didn't know. He didn't even see it coming; you could see it in his eyes. And in the end, you did feel sad. Not quite hurt, or in pain...just a mellow sort of loneliness and melancholy. But then you called her, like you always do, and you felt better. Over the next few days, you had this sense of quiet about you. But it wasn't a bad thing. You thought a lot about it, but you didn't overthink it like you always did. I know, because if you were stuck in a swamp of self-pity and misery, I would've come. But you didn't. You sat through it, allowed yourself time to first accept it (I wouldn't say grieve, because we both know how we're like with mourning loss). And in the end, you came out of it all right, and you still wanted to be friends. I think it's an improvement.

Then the event. Those four days...that was something wasn't it? Meeting all those new people, but especially those three, it blew away your fatigue from the year and made you feel like you could face another year. That sense of intimacy, I think, was not something you had expected, much less desired. But it was present nonetheless, and it had been great for you. I think, this is the first for both you and ! to feel this lonely after new friends leave. And to want to work so hard at keeping in touch with them, I simply hope this spells a new bond, and not an overattachment. This meeting has given both of us hope, and perhaps a little reckless bravado, because we made several promises to people we just met! (Teaching English long-distance is one thing, but agreeing to try cosplay and aim for Japan trip? I think it's unheard of from you.)

2013 has been one crazy ride for you and I, but we both made it out alive, in one piece...and perhaps kicking in a new gear for the next. I'll see you again next year, and know that I'll still be right in here when you need me.