S**t

It's a little strange, but....is feeling distant now and then a part of growing up? It occurs to me lately....when I notice that I can no longer 'key' with the things that some of my friends are saying. It's a bit bizarre....I think I'm losing touch with reality lately...or maybe I'm finally sinking back to Earth.

A lot of you are dealing with loss isn't it? Now, even with what I'm feeling...well, I don't have any right to be depressed. Compared to you, who have lost someone, whether literally or metaphorically, what I feel is nothing. All these flashes of loneliness and distance are nothing compared to what you can truly feel. That is why I must remain strong, I must remain smiling. Because I do not have the need nor the right to feel what I'm feeling now.

Stop being such a drama queen, girl...you need to learn to grow up already. Are you doing this to yourself so people would look at you? Do you think being sad and down will make people notice you? They would, but not for the right reasons.

Ah...I know more than anyone what I'm thinking of...at least, I should. But I don't feel like I do...in fact, I don't feel like I know anyone anymore.

When people look at you, they only see someone who's active, happy...always laughing and smiling, someone loud....someone who couldn't possibly understand the meaning of being in emotional pain...but I know you more than they do...and right now, I can tell you that you're just showing them a mask. What I don't understand is why hide it? If you show it, it's not like they'll flee from you. You're human too, no one expects you to be perfect....

I know they don't, but they have more reasons to be in pain than I do. I'm supposed to be 'optimistic'. I'm supposed to be 'carefree' and 'strong'. I need to remain strong so that I can break their fall...or comfort them when they have problems. I can't afford to be weak, or show tears.

You expect too much from yourself...you know that's not true...it's just what you think. You don't have to be that way. If you keep straining yourself to catch them when they fall....who's going to catch you when you fall?

That's why I can't afford to fall....because when I hit the ground...I don't know if anyone will be there. Not that I don't have confidence in them...but can they really see me when I'm in pain? Can they see me when I try to be strong? Do they know it when I cry secretly? Pain is the emotion I will show the least....when it gets through...all I have to say is, "I'm okay." Then they'll believe me and hope that I'll get better in a while. But no one knows how I can remain in pain for a long, long time.

You're being unreasonable...

Oh, but I am being very reasonable. That's the whole problem isn't it? I deal with everything oh-so-logically...with the level of rationality any adult would respect, but that's the whole thing, ain't it? That's what killing my emotions...isn't that it... The times I just wanna throw a tantrum coz I'm so bloody pissed, but I can't because it's immature and childish so I hold it in....the times I wanna just bawl my eyes out over small, ridiculous matters but I held back coz it was just stupid to cry over things that doesn't matter....the times when people come to me with their problems and I try to reason them out of their depression, but I can't do the same to myself...

Sometimes, I catch myself saying I hate myself....or at least, a part of me. But I don't want to end it....because this is the only way I know that I'm alive and breathing....because only when you're alive can you feel pain...

Great...another emo post?

Crap....it's here again, this feeling... You just can't beat it down, can you? No matter how many times I've picked myself up, no matter how many times I tell myself to get over this side of me, it keeps coming back to haunt me....

You don't really belong with these people...don't you notice? How you sometimes can't understand what they're sharing...don't you realise that you're just there....like some decoration...

I hate and love this feeling at the same time...hate it because it makes me feel miserable...love it because...well, let's face it...I want to feel miserable sometimes....that's the only time I actually sit myself down and talk to myself...like....another me...trying to catch my attention.

So I guess, it was time for another talk with my inner self..and it was again....same old issue...

Why don't you feel like you belong?

Why can't you trust that other people love you for who you are?

Why do you always try to hide, be strong...when there are others you can lean?

Why be independent and yet, yearn to let go of yourself and have someone be in total control of you?

What are you looking for? What exactly do you want?

It really sucks to feel like this...because the real reason eludes me most of the time...but I think it's the same thing anyway....a yearning for attention and love. And I've told myself again and again, I've got friends, I've got family....they love me a lot, and I know that. But that doesn't make the pain easier to bear. Because I know I yearn for another kind of love....and that kind of love is not something I can just get.

I read somewhere that I'm someone who takes a long time to fall in love....I think it's true...because I'm someone who has absolutely no confidence in myself when it comes to this sort of relationship. I've made mistakes....and I don't want to make the same mistake again...honestly, now....even if I get a feeling that I like someone, immediately I just tell myself...look, it might just be that you're having a fleeting fancy...that's all. Think some more...take your time. It'll go away after a while...and most of the time it does. It's contradictory ain't it...I'm confident and comfortable with myself in most every area but intimate relationships...and let's face it. There hasn't been any guy who's interested in me. I'm not pretty, I'm not cute...I don't know how to dress up and all....all these...really fem stuff. I can learn...but I don't want to....I don't knwo why...maybe I'm afraid of changing who I am, because I don't want someone to fall for how I look like but who I am.

I tell myself that I have a great personality, but come on...no matter what people say about inner beauty, your appearance is the first thing they judge you by, and if you don't cut it...then too bad. A friend once told me that I've got high standards..

There isn't anyone in class who can match you intellectually

And I guess it's true....intellect is one of the things I look for...as well as an attitude that shows maturity. I guess, it's because, although I appear childlike most of the time...I go crazy hyper and stuff, there's a part of me that's really mature, because I am the eldest...I'm living by myself...I need to learn to handle things independently... People may not think so, but I do feel that there's a side of me who is mature...and wants someone who is equally mature... And let's face the truth...I look at appearance too.

Why am I even at this topic? I don't know.....I'm just crapping again...