Crap....it's here again, this feeling... You just can't beat it down, can you? No matter how many times I've picked myself up, no matter how many times I tell myself to get over this side of me, it keeps coming back to haunt me....
You don't really belong with these people...don't you notice? How you sometimes can't understand what they're sharing...don't you realise that you're just there....like some decoration...
I hate and love this feeling at the same time...hate it because it makes me feel miserable...love it because...well, let's face it...I want to feel miserable sometimes....that's the only time I actually sit myself down and talk to myself...like....another me...trying to catch my attention.
So I guess, it was time for another talk with my inner self..and it was again....same old issue...
Why don't you feel like you belong?
Why can't you trust that other people love you for who you are?
Why do you always try to hide, be strong...when there are others you can lean?
Why be independent and yet, yearn to let go of yourself and have someone be in total control of you?
What are you looking for? What exactly do you want?
It really sucks to feel like this...because the real reason eludes me most of the time...but I think it's the same thing anyway....a yearning for attention and love. And I've told myself again and again, I've got friends, I've got family....they love me a lot, and I know that. But that doesn't make the pain easier to bear. Because I know I yearn for another kind of love....and that kind of love is not something I can just get.
I read somewhere that I'm someone who takes a long time to fall in love....I think it's true...because I'm someone who has absolutely no confidence in myself when it comes to this sort of relationship. I've made mistakes....and I don't want to make the same mistake again...honestly, now....even if I get a feeling that I like someone, immediately I just tell myself...look, it might just be that you're having a fleeting fancy...that's all. Think some more...take your time. It'll go away after a while...and most of the time it does. It's contradictory ain't it...I'm confident and comfortable with myself in most every area but intimate relationships...and let's face it. There hasn't been any guy who's interested in me. I'm not pretty, I'm not cute...I don't know how to dress up and all....all these...really fem stuff. I can learn...but I don't want to....I don't knwo why...maybe I'm afraid of changing who I am, because I don't want someone to fall for how I look like but who I am.
I tell myself that I have a great personality, but come on...no matter what people say about inner beauty, your appearance is the first thing they judge you by, and if you don't cut it...then too bad. A friend once told me that I've got high standards..
There isn't anyone in class who can match you intellectually
And I guess it's true....intellect is one of the things I look for...as well as an attitude that shows maturity. I guess, it's because, although I appear childlike most of the time...I go crazy hyper and stuff, there's a part of me that's really mature, because I am the eldest...I'm living by myself...I need to learn to handle things independently... People may not think so, but I do feel that there's a side of me who is mature...and wants someone who is equally mature... And let's face the truth...I look at appearance too.
Why am I even at this topic? I don't know.....I'm just crapping again...
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