S**t

It's a little strange, but....is feeling distant now and then a part of growing up? It occurs to me lately....when I notice that I can no longer 'key' with the things that some of my friends are saying. It's a bit bizarre....I think I'm losing touch with reality lately...or maybe I'm finally sinking back to Earth.

A lot of you are dealing with loss isn't it? Now, even with what I'm feeling...well, I don't have any right to be depressed. Compared to you, who have lost someone, whether literally or metaphorically, what I feel is nothing. All these flashes of loneliness and distance are nothing compared to what you can truly feel. That is why I must remain strong, I must remain smiling. Because I do not have the need nor the right to feel what I'm feeling now.

Stop being such a drama queen, girl...you need to learn to grow up already. Are you doing this to yourself so people would look at you? Do you think being sad and down will make people notice you? They would, but not for the right reasons.

Ah...I know more than anyone what I'm thinking of...at least, I should. But I don't feel like I do...in fact, I don't feel like I know anyone anymore.

When people look at you, they only see someone who's active, happy...always laughing and smiling, someone loud....someone who couldn't possibly understand the meaning of being in emotional pain...but I know you more than they do...and right now, I can tell you that you're just showing them a mask. What I don't understand is why hide it? If you show it, it's not like they'll flee from you. You're human too, no one expects you to be perfect....

I know they don't, but they have more reasons to be in pain than I do. I'm supposed to be 'optimistic'. I'm supposed to be 'carefree' and 'strong'. I need to remain strong so that I can break their fall...or comfort them when they have problems. I can't afford to be weak, or show tears.

You expect too much from yourself...you know that's not true...it's just what you think. You don't have to be that way. If you keep straining yourself to catch them when they fall....who's going to catch you when you fall?

That's why I can't afford to fall....because when I hit the ground...I don't know if anyone will be there. Not that I don't have confidence in them...but can they really see me when I'm in pain? Can they see me when I try to be strong? Do they know it when I cry secretly? Pain is the emotion I will show the least....when it gets through...all I have to say is, "I'm okay." Then they'll believe me and hope that I'll get better in a while. But no one knows how I can remain in pain for a long, long time.

You're being unreasonable...

Oh, but I am being very reasonable. That's the whole problem isn't it? I deal with everything oh-so-logically...with the level of rationality any adult would respect, but that's the whole thing, ain't it? That's what killing my emotions...isn't that it... The times I just wanna throw a tantrum coz I'm so bloody pissed, but I can't because it's immature and childish so I hold it in....the times I wanna just bawl my eyes out over small, ridiculous matters but I held back coz it was just stupid to cry over things that doesn't matter....the times when people come to me with their problems and I try to reason them out of their depression, but I can't do the same to myself...

Sometimes, I catch myself saying I hate myself....or at least, a part of me. But I don't want to end it....because this is the only way I know that I'm alive and breathing....because only when you're alive can you feel pain...