A Metaphor, Really...

Life likes to deal a strange hand to those who expect otherwise.... When one expects to better a situation, life delivers a rather dreary circumstance. When one anticipates a time of struggle, life throws pleasantries into the path. It never does turn out the way you expect it to be.

I thought it was over, this monsoon. But when I looked up to hunt for the tint of blue sky I so expected, there it was, in the distance, rising and advancing like a siege upon the land clouds of grey. I could not be prepared to face it...it was much abrupt, but there was a sliver of excitement that tingled through my nerves as the first spray began.

The storm which I thought to have fully receded struck softly against my boat. The waves were just enough to rock me without threatening to capsize the tiny vessel in which I was contained. Do I want to be out there watching it? I do not know. On one hand, I fear the danger it may pose to be exposed so overtly to the cause of my distress. Yet that which lies in the eye of the storm is a rather engaging sight. I cannot hope to be free if I fret at being tossed around in the water while vaguely enjoying the sensation. Is there no end to my turmoil against myself?

A Calm from the Storm

It has been quieter now....the storm has receded...for the moment at least. The workload has taken away the initial anxiety I've been feeling recently. Indeed, work can cure such subtle pains...or kill it perhaps. But it has no more long-term effect as a quick fix of sugar when I'm tired. I crash later...

You know, Dr. Goh once said that your state of mind affects how you interpret all the different things you feel....but I'm not sure he's entirely right. Or maybe I'm just a different case. When I'm optimistic, rather than being sorta kinda sure that I'm in it, I feel more like...that's not it. I'm a little more assured that I might not have made a possibly embarrassing (and painful) mistake, and the grip of that paradoxical fear loosens. But in days when I've had it rough, I ache a little more....and I doubt myself a little more. The fear clutches me in an iron grip and throws me out to sea, where I have to struggle to stay above it all. I lose my direction altogether, and there's nothing around me that could draw me out of this confusion. Am I so afraid of mistakes? Or am I afraid of falling in in the first place because I can't tell for sure it's the right place to be? I don't know...

Now, I'm just enjoying the short-lived peace of mind and calm of heart that the moment has provided me. The storm will stir again, of that I'm sure...especially since I'll be seeing you again.