.......

It happened...I've been having premonitions about this for some time already. So it has finally happened...and the reason was because I had been overboard in certain ways I act...behaviour which comes to me naturally, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry....was all I could say. I knew I had the tendencies to be loud, and hyper...but I never thought it would be this bad. I wondered why this rift was growing between us, and now I know...

......

I can't say anything...except that I'll try to restrain myself a little more. The funny thing is, when I feel the stress from this problem, it translates into excessive energy...meaning my hyperness increases drastically. Huh, ironic huh? But this is my defense mechanism...when I'm hyper, beyond the normal amount, it's my way of making myself numb to the pain... I feel it too much, the distance between us. I now know why people said loneliness is a very cold feeling...it really is...so I dealt with it the way I've dealt with this kind of pain. I become more..."bright". If I behave like I'm happy, or hyper, in this case...it makes me believe that I am. The brain can do that...deceive you into feeling things are okay when they're not...

But it's this device which caused this problem. I don't know how to deal with it...I don't dare to talk to you guys about it....because I'm scared. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong...but I need to know. The feeling overwhelms me..why...why...why? And it was only by design and genuine care from one of you that I found out.

It hurts...of course it does. But it's necessary. Maybe I'm a stupid person, but I think of it like this...this is the price. I say to others to pay attention to others' feelings, but I remained so blind to how I've caused others discomfort. It sucks, doesn't it...when you find out...

Maybe...it's better if I hurt a little longer from this...this way, maybe I'll finally learn...just drown for a while...yeah...