Is this how heartbreak feels like? I was almost crushed by the suddenness of the entire situation. He said he couldn't commit, couldn't spend time with me and he felt bad about it. So could we take a break form our relationship? Hahaha...I could've said I didn't mind. I truly didn't. But I knew him well enough.
Even if I said so, he would have felt the pressure to spend time with me. I don't want him to be unhappy, so I rather get hurt. I agreed, even though it broke me inside. There was nothing more painful at that moment. But I must be strong. We agreed that we should stay friends, and that we shouldn't avoid each other, which we didn't.
Next day, I told some close buddies, and felt like breaking down. But I didn't. They saluted me, for being able to stay on such good terms with him. But they didn't know how much it tore at me. Back at the hostel, my roommate took one look at me (she knew) and said "Cry it all out, you'll feel better."
And I did. Well, not really cry, but I choked and spluttered and sobbed for a good 10 minutes. Then my other friends came in, and they talked me through my sadness. From that, I guess I really understood why he asked for this. He wasn't ready for relationships yet, and his priority then? Just wasn't me. I guess it hurt me to know that I wasn't that important to him...not yet. I wonder if he still has feelings for me? Our friends say he has.
He told me that if I found someone better, go for him, and I was angry in a way. I felt like he was underestimating my feelings for him. Given the condition I'm in, I probably won't be in a while.
I pray that the Lord gives me the strength and patience to get on. I pray to be able to understand his needs, and that I can let go of this pain soon.
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