Entry #9: Don't Belong

Yes, I know you're probably tired of reading about this, but again I feel this sense of not belonging. And this recurrent emotion triggered many questions, which I have answered myself time and time again. But what are answers but poor excuses to hide from the truth? And what is the truth?

Well, it's really simple actually. The problem is this: I feel left out when my friends go about their own businesses, more so if they start doing their own things together, without me. Problem 2: I'm hypersensitive to emotions and body language, and when I don't get the attention of my friends, my mood drops. Problem 3: It never used to be like this. Back in Ipoh, I never had this feeling that I don't belong, even when my friends left me alone. In fact, I took the time to chill out by myself.

So what's my conclusion? After much thought, I think I have it. I miss my family and old friends. Back then, no matter how many people I hang out with, at the end of the day I return to a house with people who knew me. And at school, without the need of much speech really, I had friends who understood me. And I shared so much with them that I feel a certain emptiness when I don't get to see them for a long period of time. I do have friends, but I miss the times when my friends could tell what was wrong without asking, and do the exact thing to make me feel all right again. Another thing I just realised, I had become accustomed to the intimacy of having someone really close to me, someone I knew I could lean on at any time. I guess that sudden loss did affect me.

When I saw my old buddies when I went back to my hometown, I couldn't explain it, but I feel like there was so much I needed to tell them, so much to express...and I felt once again like the little kid that I am with them. I get pampered when I'm with them, emotionally pampered, that is. Haha, isn't strange that I need my them at precisely the moment they are farthest from me? That's life isn't it? I guess...I can't act like the child I am with my current friends, not when they seem so distant from me. I can't take off my mask because I'm too afraid. Lord, I feel so tested now. I hope You'll give my strngth to see me through. Amen.

Saving Anna: Chapter 4

Stepping lightly inside the apartment, Anna eased the door shut. She found Chrissy and Sophie in Chrissy’s room. Mama was nowhere to be found. Anna understood these disappearances…she knew that when Mama was that drunk, she’d go to some cheap motel, do some cheap stuff with some guy who could put some cheap whiskey in her mouth, together with something else. Disgusted, Anna swept the thought away and took out the cupcakes she bought.

For those three, they were living in a world where words just weren’t needed. Everything that happened needed no explanation; they simply…knew. Every time they had to use words, it was for the unpleasant purpose of arguing with Mama. So they just stopped saying anything anymore. Chrissy distanced himself emotionally, becoming aloof and cold in all things regarding Mama. He didn’t react to anything; outwardly, he wore the same expression almost all the time. Sophie couldn’t go to school yet; Anna was going to try and make enough money to send her to grade school. Sophie didn’t really get a chance to get away from the apartment. She was a prisoner in her own way. And Anna? Well, Anna just put up with it.

Till one day when she was in her eighteenth year, she couldn’t stand it anymore. Mama picked up a steady from somewhere, and he had been coming up to their apartment too often. Anna knew from the first look that this guy was up to no good; then again, Mama’s choice in men had always been disastrous.

She had come back from work late at night, and then she saw blood on the floor. The first thing she did was bolt into Mama’s room. No one. Then she looked into Sophie’s room. It was empty as well. Then she heard Sophie’s soft crying from Chrissy’s room. When she opened that door, Anna had to hold back a cry.

Entry #8: Mighty Pissed

Am I mighty pissed or what? I mean, shit, why does that person treat me so badly? I don't get him! He calls me certain names, fine! I can overlook that. He ignores me when there are other friends around to interact with. Fine, I can bear with that too. But what was the purpose of pushing me (literally!) around?! Just what was his problem?!

Ok, fine, maybe he doesn't like me the way I do, and sure, he made it clear that he couldn't accept me. But we were supposed to be friends! I mean, it's like he's doing this on purpose, damn it! Just...agh! I'm so so angry. I bore with this bloody behaviour just fine, 'cause I can field all the other things he's throwing at me. But shoving me just 'cause I was stopping in midstep to talk to someone? That's the bloody last straw, dammit! I ain't gonna stand for this kind of behaviour! I don't care whether he meant it or not, I have all the right to be angry!! He should know that I don't appreciate the way he's been treating me, not like some disposable....stuff!

I'm so pissed I can hardly speak. My friend said if you're pissed then forget about it. At least you're able to feel angry so you should just let go of the matter. Well, not until I get some morbid satisfaction ranting about him here! I must congratulate him, I haven't felt this angry for a long time.

Entry #7: Alone vs Lonely

What is aloneless? What is loneliness? Are they the same thing?

At times, I'd be surrounded by plenty of people and still...I'd feel that pang of solitude. It's like, I'm with them, but I'm not part of them. It's as though I exist in a different dimension to them. Like I couldn''t connect with them. Like I don't belong...

Why? Despite what some people say about how I socialise easily, despite how friendly I can be, it's just so tiring when I have to go up to someone and pretend. I feel so apart from those people walking down the hallway. Sometimes, when I sit by myself and my friends are just a few steps away...I feel so lonely. It's not just that I feel left out, you know? It's like, they're laughing together and I can't feel like I'm a part of their world and I feel this stab in my chest and I feel like crying... Maybe I'm being a drama queen, maybe I'm exaggerating....but I wasn't kidding about the pain, 'cause it's real.

Why do I crave social contact so? Am I childish? Spoilt? Or attention deprived?Just....why? I feel so out of it, yeah? I so desperately wants someone who can understand me, so desperately want to talk and express my loneliness...just so so lonely.... Oh, Anne, I wish you were here. I miss you so much, girl...At moments like this, I wonder if something's wrong with me. Sure, I have the option of going out to others, but really...

I'm so worn out, Lord. I really, really need and want you by my side. There isn't much I can do with this feeling except to pray that You'll lift this blanket suffocating me, ease the overwhelming dread lingering in my heart...I pray to You, Lord, to enlighten me as to why I feel this way. Amen.

Saving Anna: Chapter 3

The wooden pews were empty, and no one seemed to be inside. The interior was dark, but light streamed in from the high windows. The air was slightly cool. Anna let the door close behind her softly. For a moment, she was lost in the stillness of everything. Then she walked towards the altar, her sneakers echoing soundlessly off the cement floor. She raised her eyes, almost reluctantly, to marvel at the huge cross. Anna had never been religious; religion had no use, provided no comfort. For a heart as disillusioned as hers, there was simply no room for faith. If God existed, she reasoned, she wouldn’t be suffering right now.

However, standing there at the altar gave Anna a surreal sense of peace. The cathedral wasn’t extraordinary in any way, but it was one of the most beautiful places Anna had seen. In the cool dimness, she was wrapped in an inexplicable sense of melancholy. It was not the melancholy of the sad, depressing kind; instead, it brought her some form of calm. It was a refreshing change from the usual rocky, explosive bouts of anger and discontent she was so accustomed to.

Tentatively, she chose a place on one of the pews and seated herself. Looking up at the cross, Anna wished her life would change. Immediately after that, she chided herself for being silly. If wishes could come true, she would have been in a better situation. Smiling sarcastically at herself, she shook her head to no one in particular. Anna rose, dusted her jeans and turned to exit the cathedral.

Out of the corner of her eye, Anna thought she caught a glimpse of a shadow. She froze, and then scolded herself for letting her imagination run rampant. Hastily, she went out to the world; a world where she was used to all its violent sensations.