Entry #9: Don't Belong

Yes, I know you're probably tired of reading about this, but again I feel this sense of not belonging. And this recurrent emotion triggered many questions, which I have answered myself time and time again. But what are answers but poor excuses to hide from the truth? And what is the truth?

Well, it's really simple actually. The problem is this: I feel left out when my friends go about their own businesses, more so if they start doing their own things together, without me. Problem 2: I'm hypersensitive to emotions and body language, and when I don't get the attention of my friends, my mood drops. Problem 3: It never used to be like this. Back in Ipoh, I never had this feeling that I don't belong, even when my friends left me alone. In fact, I took the time to chill out by myself.

So what's my conclusion? After much thought, I think I have it. I miss my family and old friends. Back then, no matter how many people I hang out with, at the end of the day I return to a house with people who knew me. And at school, without the need of much speech really, I had friends who understood me. And I shared so much with them that I feel a certain emptiness when I don't get to see them for a long period of time. I do have friends, but I miss the times when my friends could tell what was wrong without asking, and do the exact thing to make me feel all right again. Another thing I just realised, I had become accustomed to the intimacy of having someone really close to me, someone I knew I could lean on at any time. I guess that sudden loss did affect me.

When I saw my old buddies when I went back to my hometown, I couldn't explain it, but I feel like there was so much I needed to tell them, so much to express...and I felt once again like the little kid that I am with them. I get pampered when I'm with them, emotionally pampered, that is. Haha, isn't strange that I need my them at precisely the moment they are farthest from me? That's life isn't it? I guess...I can't act like the child I am with my current friends, not when they seem so distant from me. I can't take off my mask because I'm too afraid. Lord, I feel so tested now. I hope You'll give my strngth to see me through. Amen.