Old problem again?

Ah, I'm a typical Libran after all...was what I've been thinking recently. I hate being alone, need social company, am indecisive, like to please people, can't confront others and seem to enjoy fleeting feelings of crushing on people.

I'm starting to feel a little like an idiot these few days. I mean...after hanging out with certain people for a long while, I just upped and thought one random day, "Hey, *beep*'s pretty cute..."

What!?! Stop right there! Now, I ain't got nothing against you thinking people are cute, but girl, your old illness is coming back, man! This is soooo exposure effect. Just cause you spent a lot of time together lately doesn't mean it makes the person suddenly more attractive. I know you have a problem, girl, and I think that problem is you just want COMPANY! If you start liking every decent-looking person who starts to look out for you, you're gonna be like some candle in the wind, man! And I know that you can't head or tails about the way you interpret these crushes, so I know that you're gonna get your head way in on the deep end. So, do like you always do, shut it and wait it out. Coz knowing you, it's probably just a passing fancy.

これは。。。

何で? 誰でもないのに。。。貴方の一言で。。。胸が熱くなる、全身が止まらないほど震えている。息が旨く出来ない。鼓動もメチャメチャになって。


なのに、嫌。。。じゃない。これは。。。何の気持ちだろう? 貴方は私の何?

A lil' surprise

You always liked to fool around...I knew that, so I thought I'd play along with. Being coy, unleashed from the chains called 'norms' and 'rules' even for a while. It was fun, playing a game like that. We never overstepped the real boundaries of course...we're careful that way. But it was an experience, testing the limits...it was thrilling...and on top of that, it brought out a side of me I kept tightly reined.

Today wasn't any different. It was the same ol' game...feather-light touches, teasing each other through our words and eye contact. But in that last moment, when you leaned in suddenly...my mind went blank. In that 3 seconds, I wondered if you were really gonna lean all the way in, but you pulled away after that.


本当にキスしようとしたのかな? ちょっとだけ。。ドッキしたのさ。。。

Two sides...

誰でも裏と面がある。。。

そう。。。誰にでも、面と裏があるよ。誰でも分かるはず言葉なのに。。。人は何故、誰かの裏を見ると悪口をするのかな?

どんなきれいな面を持っていても。。。必ず同じほどの裏があるさ。私自身もね。。。

これこそ逃げられない現実だ。自分は思うほど良くなくて、強くない。心の中に。。。弱くて、臆病な私がどこかで隠れている。

それにしても、ひとはそれぞれ精いっぱいがんばって、本当の自分をなる為に。。。

Too late

これでいいのかな?

このまま諦めても本当にいいのかな?

好きとか何とか言われなかったけど、 この思いを押えるのかしら?

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でももう。。。手が届かないんだ。。。

Dreams of being chased

Ah...recently I've been seeing some really strange dreams...and they all have a particular theme...chasing.

More precisely, I've been dreaming about being chased by people quite often lately. It's a little strange, but from what I can remember, it's happened about three times now, and in a short period of a few weeks. Given that I don't normally remember my dreams well, it must have made a significant impact on my mind.

The first of these took place in a kinda small village in some isolated place. I vividly remember there was a really big lake...or maybe it was the sea...but it was very beautiful. Then in the center of that lake, there was a small isle, and some way off was an entrace to a cave which can only be entered when the tide is low. There's a very high, very sharp cliff that's facing the lake, and there's a really big house right at the edge. In my dream, I somehow knew the house belonged to someone with a lot of authority. I mingled with the common people during the day, but at night, I had to infiltrate the house to steal something. I don't know why...but the sense of having a mission to do was there. And when I got to the room on the highest floor, before I could grab whatever it was I needed to take...someone barged right in. Somehow I knew it was the bodyguard of whoever lived there. There was nowhere to run, so I jumped through a glass window and fell towards the lake... It was a very surreal feeling, falling from that height. I could almost feel the wind rippling through my hair and clothes, the unusual sensation that I was probably going to fall to my death. Yet the only thing I could think of then was how the surface of the lake looked like beautiful jewels glittering under the moonlight. Miraculously (or not), I was uninjured as I landed in the lake...swam into the cave, and hoped the guy after me wouldn't know this cave existed. But he did, and I was trapped with no way out. The moment he called me, I woke up.

At first I thought it was because I watched too much anime, but a similar dream happened soon after that. Again, the theme was that I intruded into a building, this time a flat-like structure. Vaguely, I remembered seeing some shops there...and again, there was someone pursuing. This time, I couldn't remember why I was being chased, but I get the feeling if I get caught, the consequences wouldn't be pleasant. So I ran up, floor after floor, till I hit like...maybe the fourth or fifth floor, then I ran into a fabric shop I think. The guy who was chasing me ran off in another direction, and I ran into the toilet, or the storeroom...can't remember which. Then he was banging on the door...he knew I was there. And it was really...odd. A part of me wants to get caught...see what would happen if I did, but another part of me knew I needed to escape. So I climbed out of a small window, and there I was standing on a very narrow ledge of the fourth or fifth floor. I think I woke up at that point, because I can't remember anything beyond that.

Then the last one, which was really recent, was even more vague. I was just walking around when someone ordered a guy to capture me. Again, I don't know why...It was bizarre, because the guy drove like...a truck or something to come after me, and I was running on foot. I saw the face of the dude (looks strangely similar to Wooyoung, though) and I remember feeling somewhat terrified. At some point, I got on a horse and tried escaping on it, but I hit a dead end when it refused to jump the fence. Figures...I never knew how to ride a horse., in and out of the dreams. And the Wooyoung-lookalike was coming nearer too. Again, at the critical moment when he was close to approaching, there was a conflicting feeling of wanting to be caught, yet wanting to get away.

In all these dreams, I never really knew why I was running away, or why exactly was I being pursued. But as a psych student, maybe...I don't know, it's just my own interpretation...maybe I was running from something in my waking life. It felt like something that was way bigger than me...sometihng that I knew I should give in to, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was something like my responsibilities...maybe there's something in my life that I really want to let go off...or something I don't want to face, but I have to. Then again, I remember the vague thrill of the chase...it was slightly scary, yes, but at every moment when I feel like I'm cornered...there was always a slight feeling of excitement that I'll finally get caught, yet there's the feeling that I shouldn't "lose". It's a really odd way of seeing it, but maybe I want to relinquish control...wanting to succumb..to surrender for once. After fighting, struggling, running for a long time, there was a sense of wanting to just give in and give up. Accompanying that thought was a rush of being in a situation where I'm not in control. Haha...maybe I'm an M. But it could also mean that I'm tired of playing the leader role and having to take responsibility for...whatever it is, and just have someone lead me instead...

This is all way too Freudian, but hey, every Psych student falls into Freudian interpretation now and then...or maybe my friend was right and I'm just a tsundere who really wants to do it. XD

Hisashiburi ni...

It's been a month....a month since I last posted here...a month of calm. Or rather, there were other things, distractors...things that were much more important than me. So much work that it's almost driving me nuts...so many issues on the job and off the job that I need to think of....so much so that I haven't had the time for myself...and that means I haven't had the time to pick on the issues I've been worrying about. But finally the assignments are over, finally I have some time freed up, and what better time to reflect on what's been happening.

First off...I seem to remember being ill most times. Well, not ill, just a bit off colour, but that's something to be expected, I guess. After all, juggling the schedules of a college student and a tutor means I need to constantly on the top of the game, so I suppose it's not surprising that it's taking a toll on my body. It isn't a good thing...must nurse my body back to health once the holidays come by. Right now, I'm still coughing...and there's an ulcer near my tonsils, so every time I swallow it hurts. ><

Mentally, I'm exhausting myself everyday just thinking about how to organise all my work so everything gets done on time. The game assignment, the research...to be honest, I've put so much of myself in it I wonder if it's a good sign. I'm kinda glad it's over, so I can slow down a little now...study for the finals at a nice pace...

There's been a lot going on in the family too. Haven't been keeping in touch with them as often as I should...miss them a lot... I just want to finish up quickly so I can go home and see the faces of my loved ones. Ah, I'm tearing up a little...looks like I've really been stretched. Just yesterday, I received news that my granddad has been hospitalised. His lungs collapsed and he's now having a really tough time breathing. I don't know what to say to that. To be honest, I've never been that close to my father's side of the family, but to be so detached...should I be ashamed?

I wonder if stress makes people want to do some crazy things... My desire for learning is coming back to me in full strength. I've already taken the placement test for Jap, but my mum insisted that I should go for it next year...so that I can come back to Ipoh for te long break in Aug. I don't know...I suppose it can be done. After all, sensei is in Ipoh. Then there's the deep thirst to try out dancing...as a form of exercise it'd be great, since I'm not fond of working out, so dance is about teh only physical activity that I might enjoy. Jazz and hip hop are the top ones in my head right now. There's also drums...and guitar. How can one person want to learn so many things? I'm surprised at myself sometimes...am I a fickle person?

Ah, on a side note, looks like the flame isn't out yet...there's yet an ember still glowing dimly at the sight of the person. But knowing that I'm not the spark the person is looking for, I'll need to extinguish it...drowned out with a barrage of other things which are more important.

.......

It happened...I've been having premonitions about this for some time already. So it has finally happened...and the reason was because I had been overboard in certain ways I act...behaviour which comes to me naturally, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry....was all I could say. I knew I had the tendencies to be loud, and hyper...but I never thought it would be this bad. I wondered why this rift was growing between us, and now I know...

......

I can't say anything...except that I'll try to restrain myself a little more. The funny thing is, when I feel the stress from this problem, it translates into excessive energy...meaning my hyperness increases drastically. Huh, ironic huh? But this is my defense mechanism...when I'm hyper, beyond the normal amount, it's my way of making myself numb to the pain... I feel it too much, the distance between us. I now know why people said loneliness is a very cold feeling...it really is...so I dealt with it the way I've dealt with this kind of pain. I become more..."bright". If I behave like I'm happy, or hyper, in this case...it makes me believe that I am. The brain can do that...deceive you into feeling things are okay when they're not...

But it's this device which caused this problem. I don't know how to deal with it...I don't dare to talk to you guys about it....because I'm scared. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong...but I need to know. The feeling overwhelms me..why...why...why? And it was only by design and genuine care from one of you that I found out.

It hurts...of course it does. But it's necessary. Maybe I'm a stupid person, but I think of it like this...this is the price. I say to others to pay attention to others' feelings, but I remained so blind to how I've caused others discomfort. It sucks, doesn't it...when you find out...

Maybe...it's better if I hurt a little longer from this...this way, maybe I'll finally learn...just drown for a while...yeah...

The Irony of Morality

After attending a lecture on morality, it made me wonder about morality and the human conscience. How do we differentiate right from wrong? How is that we judge and evaluate the actions and intentions of other human beings? It's simple for animals; if it doesn't harm you then it's not bad. We humans establish complex systems and concepts to regulate this idea we call morality.

According to Kohlberg, at one point, the human morality adheres to right and wrong because the rules or norms have been socially accepted and reviewed. The highest level of morality results from ethics which an individual chooses to adhere to. But doesn't that tell us that morality is not a stable, concrete thing? I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron, no? Society tells us that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but who created the laws? Is there a universal 'right' and a universal 'wrong'? If indeed, as Kohlberg had said, laws and rules were created through norms, and that they are rules because the society decides that it is...then morality is about as malleable as PlayDoh. And isn't this visible even now? Different societies have a different system for what can and cannot be done...and even then, there are those who would bend and manipulate these existing rules to ensure that they get the biggest piece of the pie.

If we think about it, morality was simply a concept thought up by humans to maintain order and avoid anarchy. But what good is morality if we simply 'put' it on to save our skins? Because isn't that what many do? To follow the law because they don't want to suffer the unpleasant consequences...in some case, laws be damned, they just want to get what they want. Behind the "moral" actions of many lie other things...things we call pride, fear, attention...self-serving righteousness... Are we so primitive that we cannot process the idea of morality at a level higher than ourselves? Yes, we have religion..and these have emphasised on a morality that seems true, but again, we have those people who would not hesitate to twist the word of God to serve their own needs. We humans can be pretty hypocritical.

Of course, there are people who have transcended this flawed perspective, but these people are so rare, you wonder if they really are so noble. And we call ourselves higher beings compared to animals. At least my dog is sincerely doing whatever he pleases and expressing himself as he is. Perhaps we human beings have yet to undergo a moral evolution that can help us become better people...I guess we will only find out in the next hundred million years or so, if we don't buck up.

Coming to terms...

To think that the one time my gut instinct proved right was when I suspected that I was out of the running. It's strange...when I first got a vague sense that I won't even qualify to compete, it's as though I became resigned to the fact. Surely it was a defense mechanism, this strange apathy, this unsurmising callousness.

Because all the intensity I had felt over this, when I realised that there was hardly any chance that it will be reciprocated, I immediate withdrew upon the well-built fortress of my mind, constructed with logic, strengthened by rationality. It was a response I am too familiar with...to distance myself and intellectualise the emotional part of me...to chastise it so that I mold myself to the rules of logic and thereby, rendering the injury to my fragile sense to its minimum.

And it worked of, of course. Intellect and logic are great things. They can kill, suffocate, numb one's emotional sensitivity. I know now for sure that I have lost, but I am able to joke about it, to feel detached from the repercussions that should have accompanied this blow. But I am fine, thanks to my wretched rationality. Ah, how ironical that the thing that is protecting me is also my biggest liability...but for now, I shall give it appreciation, for saving my soul from a cut.

Falling out?

It's a bit weird isn't it, lately? At least, that's what I've been feeling. Like I'm falling out with you guys. I want to hang out with you guys, but can't because of the things I needed to do. I couldn't lunch with you guys due to meetings and stuff, couldn't hang out coz I was busy...and I have the feeling lately that I'm not clicking anymore.

When I try to talk to you people, it's like it's nothing more than being superficial. Something's wrong...something's missing. It's as though when I try to talk to you, there's no eagerness to talk. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward.

In all honestly, I felt left out when you guys went ahead and grouped yourselves without any hints of whether you want me in or not. In fact, it felt more like you guys weren't too keen on it. I felt that it was weird, but I thought, hey, we're all grown up. We don't need to be in the same groups all the time.

But my paranoia has only been getting worse. I don't know how to start a conversation with you guys anymore, because it's strangely silent. You guys talk amongst yourselves...but I was never able to include myself, because firstly I had no clue what you guys were harping on about, so I chose to just keep quiet and listen. And when I tried talking, the conversation ended quickly.

Am I being oversensitive? Maybe I am...but it doesn't mean that I deny what I've been feeling. I feel like an outcast, like I'm just an extra of the group...I'm not needed there. That's the vibe I've been getting. And because I still feel that we are friends that I chose not to ask if something was wrong. I don't know if something was indeed off. I don't dare to ask. Was it me? Was it something I did or did not do? Why does it feel like I'm drifting further apart from the group? It's like, having your friends go out and never invite you, yet to hear all about it later...that kind of feeling..

I'm lost and confused about what's happening. I think I'm being paranoid...maybe just too touchy lately. But it doesn't help that I really feel that you guys don't seem to want to talk. Maybe I'm just being weird lately...but it's making me lonely...