.......

It happened...I've been having premonitions about this for some time already. So it has finally happened...and the reason was because I had been overboard in certain ways I act...behaviour which comes to me naturally, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry....was all I could say. I knew I had the tendencies to be loud, and hyper...but I never thought it would be this bad. I wondered why this rift was growing between us, and now I know...

......

I can't say anything...except that I'll try to restrain myself a little more. The funny thing is, when I feel the stress from this problem, it translates into excessive energy...meaning my hyperness increases drastically. Huh, ironic huh? But this is my defense mechanism...when I'm hyper, beyond the normal amount, it's my way of making myself numb to the pain... I feel it too much, the distance between us. I now know why people said loneliness is a very cold feeling...it really is...so I dealt with it the way I've dealt with this kind of pain. I become more..."bright". If I behave like I'm happy, or hyper, in this case...it makes me believe that I am. The brain can do that...deceive you into feeling things are okay when they're not...

But it's this device which caused this problem. I don't know how to deal with it...I don't dare to talk to you guys about it....because I'm scared. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong...but I need to know. The feeling overwhelms me..why...why...why? And it was only by design and genuine care from one of you that I found out.

It hurts...of course it does. But it's necessary. Maybe I'm a stupid person, but I think of it like this...this is the price. I say to others to pay attention to others' feelings, but I remained so blind to how I've caused others discomfort. It sucks, doesn't it...when you find out...

Maybe...it's better if I hurt a little longer from this...this way, maybe I'll finally learn...just drown for a while...yeah...

The Irony of Morality

After attending a lecture on morality, it made me wonder about morality and the human conscience. How do we differentiate right from wrong? How is that we judge and evaluate the actions and intentions of other human beings? It's simple for animals; if it doesn't harm you then it's not bad. We humans establish complex systems and concepts to regulate this idea we call morality.

According to Kohlberg, at one point, the human morality adheres to right and wrong because the rules or norms have been socially accepted and reviewed. The highest level of morality results from ethics which an individual chooses to adhere to. But doesn't that tell us that morality is not a stable, concrete thing? I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron, no? Society tells us that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but who created the laws? Is there a universal 'right' and a universal 'wrong'? If indeed, as Kohlberg had said, laws and rules were created through norms, and that they are rules because the society decides that it is...then morality is about as malleable as PlayDoh. And isn't this visible even now? Different societies have a different system for what can and cannot be done...and even then, there are those who would bend and manipulate these existing rules to ensure that they get the biggest piece of the pie.

If we think about it, morality was simply a concept thought up by humans to maintain order and avoid anarchy. But what good is morality if we simply 'put' it on to save our skins? Because isn't that what many do? To follow the law because they don't want to suffer the unpleasant consequences...in some case, laws be damned, they just want to get what they want. Behind the "moral" actions of many lie other things...things we call pride, fear, attention...self-serving righteousness... Are we so primitive that we cannot process the idea of morality at a level higher than ourselves? Yes, we have religion..and these have emphasised on a morality that seems true, but again, we have those people who would not hesitate to twist the word of God to serve their own needs. We humans can be pretty hypocritical.

Of course, there are people who have transcended this flawed perspective, but these people are so rare, you wonder if they really are so noble. And we call ourselves higher beings compared to animals. At least my dog is sincerely doing whatever he pleases and expressing himself as he is. Perhaps we human beings have yet to undergo a moral evolution that can help us become better people...I guess we will only find out in the next hundred million years or so, if we don't buck up.

Coming to terms...

To think that the one time my gut instinct proved right was when I suspected that I was out of the running. It's strange...when I first got a vague sense that I won't even qualify to compete, it's as though I became resigned to the fact. Surely it was a defense mechanism, this strange apathy, this unsurmising callousness.

Because all the intensity I had felt over this, when I realised that there was hardly any chance that it will be reciprocated, I immediate withdrew upon the well-built fortress of my mind, constructed with logic, strengthened by rationality. It was a response I am too familiar with...to distance myself and intellectualise the emotional part of me...to chastise it so that I mold myself to the rules of logic and thereby, rendering the injury to my fragile sense to its minimum.

And it worked of, of course. Intellect and logic are great things. They can kill, suffocate, numb one's emotional sensitivity. I know now for sure that I have lost, but I am able to joke about it, to feel detached from the repercussions that should have accompanied this blow. But I am fine, thanks to my wretched rationality. Ah, how ironical that the thing that is protecting me is also my biggest liability...but for now, I shall give it appreciation, for saving my soul from a cut.

Falling out?

It's a bit weird isn't it, lately? At least, that's what I've been feeling. Like I'm falling out with you guys. I want to hang out with you guys, but can't because of the things I needed to do. I couldn't lunch with you guys due to meetings and stuff, couldn't hang out coz I was busy...and I have the feeling lately that I'm not clicking anymore.

When I try to talk to you people, it's like it's nothing more than being superficial. Something's wrong...something's missing. It's as though when I try to talk to you, there's no eagerness to talk. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward.

In all honestly, I felt left out when you guys went ahead and grouped yourselves without any hints of whether you want me in or not. In fact, it felt more like you guys weren't too keen on it. I felt that it was weird, but I thought, hey, we're all grown up. We don't need to be in the same groups all the time.

But my paranoia has only been getting worse. I don't know how to start a conversation with you guys anymore, because it's strangely silent. You guys talk amongst yourselves...but I was never able to include myself, because firstly I had no clue what you guys were harping on about, so I chose to just keep quiet and listen. And when I tried talking, the conversation ended quickly.

Am I being oversensitive? Maybe I am...but it doesn't mean that I deny what I've been feeling. I feel like an outcast, like I'm just an extra of the group...I'm not needed there. That's the vibe I've been getting. And because I still feel that we are friends that I chose not to ask if something was wrong. I don't know if something was indeed off. I don't dare to ask. Was it me? Was it something I did or did not do? Why does it feel like I'm drifting further apart from the group? It's like, having your friends go out and never invite you, yet to hear all about it later...that kind of feeling..

I'm lost and confused about what's happening. I think I'm being paranoid...maybe just too touchy lately. But it doesn't help that I really feel that you guys don't seem to want to talk. Maybe I'm just being weird lately...but it's making me lonely...