Someone just told me today that we should stop being friends. Well, said person didn't actually say that, but the words were to that effect. I didn't react at that time...not sure why, but there was no sudden gush of feelings, no "Why? Did something (meaning something I did) happen?", no weird squirmy feeling in my gut. All I said was "I suppose some things are like that." and left it at that. My current emotion-radar has no blip on it, and I'm not sure it's a good thing or bad. Seeing that I've always depended on my emotional compass to dictate my reactions, a non-reaction basically entailed...well, no reaction.
Maybe it's because I've been seeing the signs and have been steeling against them. If I ask myself, "Am I surprised?", I don't think I am (on the basis that surprise would evoke strong emotional reactions in me, to which there were none). Perhaps I've seen it coming all along, and the recent episodes didn't really help. Maybe it's because I, too, share the sentiment that the relationship might be better off if we stopped sharing a closer relationship. I'm not sure about that...it defies my personal logic. But if I stop and think about it, maybe it's what the other person is comfortable with, and if that's what the person wants, who am I to stop them from having it? But wait, that's falling back into my usual pattern of putting others before myself, and right now, the issue I'm having is with the non-reactivity of my usual self.
Perhaps it's the idea that just because the other person said so, I don't necessarily feel that it affects me, because, well...I don't have to change my own behaviour do I? While the other person wants to not be friends, I don't technically have to not be friends with the person. I can still technically treat that person the way I would treat a friend, with maybe a little bit more restraint. So the lack of emotional reaction might be an actual situation where I feel that I can still make a decision on my part to not change the way I view the relationship, but I modify the way I treat the person, just enough to make them comfortable. But would that be disrespectful to the other party? If I choose to be adamant about this and be a bit self-centered, would that be annoying and well, rude to the other party? I'm afraid that it might make the other party uncomfortable (not in the actual sense of the word; rather, I have more concern rather actual fear that it would be a bother. Again, I'm puzzled at the muted emotions).
There's also a possibility that I actually do feel some form of negative emotion over this, but I'm subconsciously locking it out. That I do not overtly express it is something I didn't expect from my usual self, but it is not unlikely that I am running away from what I feel. It's strange...one of my close friends just told me that we should stop being friends, and the only thing that's on my mind now is to figure out how I actually feel about this. Huh...I wonder what this means...
Should I ruminate on this until I figure it out? Ah, but I might end up talking myself into something else...that's been the pattern so far. Perhaps I should leave it as it is until I have more insight...
Monday, April 23, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
...
Who exactly am I?
When I stepped out of my house door today, I didn't expect that I would be going home, asking myself this question. It's the first...in fact, the only time, anyone has gone on to ask me "What do you really want?"
It's the first time anyone has ever asked me why I've never thought of being responsible for myself. It's the first time anyone has told me something I've always suspected about myself: that I run around caring about other people because it's so much more difficult to uncover who I am.
It's also the first time I told someone for once, without skirting the issue, that I was indeed afraid of what could happen...that I was uncertain about a lot of things because I've never picked that option...and while I didn't say it, I also admitted to myself that it makes me very insecure, because to do that, I would need to admit that I don't know who I am, and that makes me more frightened than anything.
It's also the first time I told someone, with much difficulty, that I simply don't know how to think for myself. I really don't know...how do I tell what I want from what other people want of me? How do I tell the difference when for so many years, it's been one and the same? How do you change the way you think from "How do I make it so that more people will benefit from this, never mind myself?" to "What do I really want from this?"? How do you stop and think about a situation, and just don't care about the rest of the world, and pick an option that you want? How do you do something like that without caring about what kind of impact it'll have on your surroundings?
It's really scary, you know, when you don't know what kind of person you'd become if you listened to and acted out on the actual feelings or thoughts. I could hurt a lot of people. I could end up becoming someone I wouldn't like. I could do things that will make people hate me. All those things frighten me in a way that is really beyond my comprehension.
But after all the things that's been said...I think it's high time I stop running away and fight this battle head on. If I continue on this path, I'll regret it one day...and I don't think it'll be a great way to spend the rest of my life. So it's gonna be a thorny and rocky path...I'll probably bruise and cut myself along the way...I might get tangled in the vines, I might get lost a lot along the way...and there will definitely be times I'll want to turn back. But hey...you never know till you try right? So what the hell, let's just take one step down this path and see where it leads me.
When I stepped out of my house door today, I didn't expect that I would be going home, asking myself this question. It's the first...in fact, the only time, anyone has gone on to ask me "What do you really want?"
It's the first time anyone has ever asked me why I've never thought of being responsible for myself. It's the first time anyone has told me something I've always suspected about myself: that I run around caring about other people because it's so much more difficult to uncover who I am.
It's also the first time I told someone for once, without skirting the issue, that I was indeed afraid of what could happen...that I was uncertain about a lot of things because I've never picked that option...and while I didn't say it, I also admitted to myself that it makes me very insecure, because to do that, I would need to admit that I don't know who I am, and that makes me more frightened than anything.
It's also the first time I told someone, with much difficulty, that I simply don't know how to think for myself. I really don't know...how do I tell what I want from what other people want of me? How do I tell the difference when for so many years, it's been one and the same? How do you change the way you think from "How do I make it so that more people will benefit from this, never mind myself?" to "What do I really want from this?"? How do you stop and think about a situation, and just don't care about the rest of the world, and pick an option that you want? How do you do something like that without caring about what kind of impact it'll have on your surroundings?
It's really scary, you know, when you don't know what kind of person you'd become if you listened to and acted out on the actual feelings or thoughts. I could hurt a lot of people. I could end up becoming someone I wouldn't like. I could do things that will make people hate me. All those things frighten me in a way that is really beyond my comprehension.
But after all the things that's been said...I think it's high time I stop running away and fight this battle head on. If I continue on this path, I'll regret it one day...and I don't think it'll be a great way to spend the rest of my life. So it's gonna be a thorny and rocky path...I'll probably bruise and cut myself along the way...I might get tangled in the vines, I might get lost a lot along the way...and there will definitely be times I'll want to turn back. But hey...you never know till you try right? So what the hell, let's just take one step down this path and see where it leads me.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
A little reflection on life...
I've had a lot to think about lately...Good things, bad things, infuriating things, exciting things... A lot had been on my mind. Even in a period where my mind would supposedly be occupied with abstract thoughts and menial tasks and details most needed, it has taken a turn down to a path less beaten.
I'm not one to use my free time to think about life or philosophy or great things like that. When I have time, I do work, or indulge my hobbies (which, whether fortunate or not, are not always in the thinking department) or go around finding stuff to do. The point is: I do.
But in the past month or so, in the rush of doing, I've somehow did more thinking. It may not be a grand thing, but the things which happened, the people I've met and the things I've done (or taken upon myself to do) had triggered some change in the way I perceive things. I'm not always objective, though goodness knows I try and fail. I'm not profound, I'm not talented and I'm hardly extraordinary. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and attempt to chew it anyway, sometimes at the cost of my own. I can be really nosy and when I want to be, really bossy. I try to do good deeds and avoid the not-so-good ones.
No matter how you look at me, I'm about as ordinary as ordinary come by. Yet, I've always been surrounded by people whom I thought were talented, profound, extraordinary, excellent and extremely able. It's a strange, wondrous feeling, to be friends with people who has qualities you admire. While I've never been overly concerned about it, I know (theoretically) that it can be vexing at times. Sometimes, I wonder to myself, do I ever feel jealous? Is there not even a shred of envy? Hmmm...not really. I don't really understand the concept of envy, but if it's supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, then what I'm feeling is certainly not envy. No...the people around me make me want to better myself. Perhaps admiration is a better word...and maybe impressed. Because, at the end of the day, I may say to myself "I wish I could do that" but I can't miss what I've never had. I might think that, "Wow! That was awesome!" but I've never thought about why I never had that. I might fantasize about how to get there and what might happen along the way, but then again, I prefer daydreaming to actually finding a way to get there.
I'm starting to think that there are small, important things in life, which if you can choose to do well, is just as good as big, important things in life. I mean...I've started asking myself...what really makes me feel good? My achievements? My relationships? The things I have? The dreams I possess and the goals I aspire towards? My belief or stand over things?
I used to think it was important...I still think they are, but looking back now, the times where I felt the happiest were when I was with people whom I loved and cared deeply about. The family dinners, the hang-out sessions, the conversations I have with my friends...nothing fills me with greater joy. I'll admit that emptiness still eats at me at times because I haven't found a direction in my life, but spending time with people who matter helps me get my inner compass realigned. I know I get distracted at times, but sometimes, life needs a little detour.
And the times when I felt most good with myself? It was when I did seemingly small things for others. The time I accompanied an elderly lady to MV when all she did was ask me for directions, the times I walked past someone who dropped something and gave it back to them, the time I paid someone a compliment, the times when I sat down and listened to someone, and the times I looked someone in the eye and told them honestly, that I thought they did a great job, and saw the way they reacted...these moments warmed me up from inside out, and always left me with a good mood for the rest of the day.
Doing all these things gives me this high unlike anything, and I know for a fact that I did those things because I wanted to. It gets me into a fair spot of trouble when, say, I end up taking care of others' troubles instead of my own. And yes, I've been in that spot time and time again. And yes, I've been exhausted before because I was giving much of myself away. But do I regret doing those things? No. I might've been in a pinch because I wasn't good at learning how to differentiate when I'm in over my head, but I've never regretted a single moment of it. I guess I just need to learn to adjust myself. And maybe learn to recognise when I need to ask for help.
I think, things have become a little simpler for me. I've tried to live in slightly more complicated ways...I thought that doing more things was a way to achieve more, and perhaps, I was doing more to find a way to fill up that gap in me. I've thought that there should be a clear picture at the end, and that I should do my best to clear the things which were clouding it up. But perhaps, it's time I slow down and do things which are just...meaningful to me, and the people around me. I'm really ordinary, yes...but I think, at this point, all I want is for the people around me to find their happiness...I might still have a fuzzy picture ahead of me, but I think it's about time I stop worrying over the fact that I can't focus my lens and think about the immediate and not-too-distant things. And who knows, if I still can't "unfuzzify" my picture at the end of this, it might signal a time for me to learn to paint a new one.
I'm not one to use my free time to think about life or philosophy or great things like that. When I have time, I do work, or indulge my hobbies (which, whether fortunate or not, are not always in the thinking department) or go around finding stuff to do. The point is: I do.
But in the past month or so, in the rush of doing, I've somehow did more thinking. It may not be a grand thing, but the things which happened, the people I've met and the things I've done (or taken upon myself to do) had triggered some change in the way I perceive things. I'm not always objective, though goodness knows I try and fail. I'm not profound, I'm not talented and I'm hardly extraordinary. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and attempt to chew it anyway, sometimes at the cost of my own. I can be really nosy and when I want to be, really bossy. I try to do good deeds and avoid the not-so-good ones.
No matter how you look at me, I'm about as ordinary as ordinary come by. Yet, I've always been surrounded by people whom I thought were talented, profound, extraordinary, excellent and extremely able. It's a strange, wondrous feeling, to be friends with people who has qualities you admire. While I've never been overly concerned about it, I know (theoretically) that it can be vexing at times. Sometimes, I wonder to myself, do I ever feel jealous? Is there not even a shred of envy? Hmmm...not really. I don't really understand the concept of envy, but if it's supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, then what I'm feeling is certainly not envy. No...the people around me make me want to better myself. Perhaps admiration is a better word...and maybe impressed. Because, at the end of the day, I may say to myself "I wish I could do that" but I can't miss what I've never had. I might think that, "Wow! That was awesome!" but I've never thought about why I never had that. I might fantasize about how to get there and what might happen along the way, but then again, I prefer daydreaming to actually finding a way to get there.
I'm starting to think that there are small, important things in life, which if you can choose to do well, is just as good as big, important things in life. I mean...I've started asking myself...what really makes me feel good? My achievements? My relationships? The things I have? The dreams I possess and the goals I aspire towards? My belief or stand over things?
I used to think it was important...I still think they are, but looking back now, the times where I felt the happiest were when I was with people whom I loved and cared deeply about. The family dinners, the hang-out sessions, the conversations I have with my friends...nothing fills me with greater joy. I'll admit that emptiness still eats at me at times because I haven't found a direction in my life, but spending time with people who matter helps me get my inner compass realigned. I know I get distracted at times, but sometimes, life needs a little detour.
And the times when I felt most good with myself? It was when I did seemingly small things for others. The time I accompanied an elderly lady to MV when all she did was ask me for directions, the times I walked past someone who dropped something and gave it back to them, the time I paid someone a compliment, the times when I sat down and listened to someone, and the times I looked someone in the eye and told them honestly, that I thought they did a great job, and saw the way they reacted...these moments warmed me up from inside out, and always left me with a good mood for the rest of the day.
Doing all these things gives me this high unlike anything, and I know for a fact that I did those things because I wanted to. It gets me into a fair spot of trouble when, say, I end up taking care of others' troubles instead of my own. And yes, I've been in that spot time and time again. And yes, I've been exhausted before because I was giving much of myself away. But do I regret doing those things? No. I might've been in a pinch because I wasn't good at learning how to differentiate when I'm in over my head, but I've never regretted a single moment of it. I guess I just need to learn to adjust myself. And maybe learn to recognise when I need to ask for help.
I think, things have become a little simpler for me. I've tried to live in slightly more complicated ways...I thought that doing more things was a way to achieve more, and perhaps, I was doing more to find a way to fill up that gap in me. I've thought that there should be a clear picture at the end, and that I should do my best to clear the things which were clouding it up. But perhaps, it's time I slow down and do things which are just...meaningful to me, and the people around me. I'm really ordinary, yes...but I think, at this point, all I want is for the people around me to find their happiness...I might still have a fuzzy picture ahead of me, but I think it's about time I stop worrying over the fact that I can't focus my lens and think about the immediate and not-too-distant things. And who knows, if I still can't "unfuzzify" my picture at the end of this, it might signal a time for me to learn to paint a new one.
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