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Who exactly am I?

When I stepped out of my house door today, I didn't expect that I would be going home, asking myself this question. It's the first...in fact, the only time, anyone has gone on to ask me "What do you really want?"

It's the first time anyone has ever asked me why I've never thought of being responsible for myself. It's the first time anyone has told me something I've always suspected about myself: that I run around caring about other people because it's so much more difficult to uncover who I am.

It's also the first time I told someone for once, without skirting the issue, that I was indeed afraid of what could happen...that I was uncertain about a lot of things because I've never picked that option...and while I didn't say it, I also admitted to myself that it makes me very insecure, because to do that, I would need to admit that I don't know who I am, and that makes me more frightened than anything.

It's also the first time I told someone, with much difficulty, that I simply don't know how to think for myself. I really don't know...how do I tell what I want from what other people want of me? How do I tell the difference when for so many years, it's been one and the same? How do you change the way you think from "How do I make it so that more people will benefit from this, never mind myself?" to "What do I really want from this?"? How do you stop and think about a situation, and just don't care about the rest of the world, and pick an option that you want? How do you do something like that without caring about what kind of impact it'll have on your surroundings?

It's really scary, you know, when you don't know what kind of person you'd become if you listened to and acted out on the actual feelings or thoughts. I could hurt a lot of people. I could end up becoming someone I wouldn't like. I could do things that will make people hate me. All those things frighten me in a way that is really beyond my comprehension.

But after all the things that's been said...I think it's high time I stop running away and fight this battle head on. If I continue on this path, I'll regret it one day...and I don't think it'll be a great way to spend the rest of my life. So it's gonna be a thorny and rocky path...I'll probably bruise and cut myself along the way...I might get tangled in the vines, I might get lost a lot along the way...and there will definitely be times I'll want to turn back. But hey...you never know till you try right? So what the hell, let's just take one step down this path and see where it leads me.