Letter to self #5?

Someone just told me today that we should stop being friends. Well, said person didn't actually say that, but the words were to that effect. I didn't react at that time...not sure why, but there was no sudden gush of feelings, no "Why? Did something (meaning something I did) happen?", no weird squirmy feeling in my gut. All I said was "I suppose some things are like that." and left it at that. My current emotion-radar has no blip on it, and I'm not sure it's a good thing or bad. Seeing that I've always depended on my emotional compass to dictate my reactions, a non-reaction basically entailed...well, no reaction.

Maybe it's because I've been seeing the signs and have been steeling against them. If I ask myself, "Am I surprised?", I don't think I am (on the basis that surprise would evoke strong emotional reactions in me, to which there were none). Perhaps I've seen it coming all along, and the recent episodes didn't really help. Maybe it's because I, too, share the sentiment that the relationship might be better off if we stopped sharing a closer relationship. I'm not sure about that...it defies my personal logic. But if I stop and think about it, maybe it's what the other person is comfortable with, and if that's what the person wants, who am I to stop them from having it? But wait, that's falling back into my usual pattern of putting others before myself, and right now, the issue I'm having is with the non-reactivity of my usual self.

Perhaps it's the idea that just because the other person said so, I don't necessarily feel that it affects me, because, well...I don't have to change my own behaviour do I? While the other person wants to not be friends, I don't technically have to not be friends with the person. I can still technically treat that person the way I would treat a friend, with maybe a little bit more restraint. So the lack of emotional reaction might be an actual situation where I feel that I can still make a decision on my part to not change the way I view the relationship, but I modify the way I treat the person, just enough to make them comfortable. But would that be disrespectful to the other party? If I choose to be adamant about this and be a bit self-centered, would that be annoying and well, rude to the other party? I'm afraid that it might make the other party uncomfortable (not in the actual sense of the word; rather, I have more concern rather actual fear that it would be a bother. Again, I'm puzzled at the muted emotions).

There's also a possibility that I actually do feel some form of negative emotion over this, but I'm subconsciously locking it out. That I do not overtly express it is something I didn't expect from my usual self, but it is not unlikely that I am running away from what I feel. It's strange...one of my close friends just told me that we should stop being friends, and the only thing that's on my mind now is to figure out how I actually feel about this. Huh...I wonder what this means...

Should I ruminate on this until I figure it out? Ah, but I might end up talking myself into something else...that's been the pattern so far. Perhaps I should leave it as it is until I have more insight...