A little reflection on life...

I've had a lot to think about lately...Good things, bad things, infuriating things, exciting things... A lot had been on my mind. Even in a period where my mind would supposedly be occupied with abstract thoughts and menial tasks and details most needed, it has taken a turn down to a path less beaten.

I'm not one to use my free time to think about life or philosophy or great things like that. When I have time, I do work, or indulge my hobbies (which, whether fortunate or not, are not always in the thinking department) or go around finding stuff to do. The point is: I do.

But in the past month or so, in the rush of doing, I've somehow did more thinking. It may not be a grand thing, but the things which happened, the people I've met and the things I've done (or taken upon myself to do) had triggered some change in the way I perceive things. I'm not always objective, though goodness knows I try and fail. I'm not profound, I'm not talented and I'm hardly extraordinary. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and attempt to chew it anyway, sometimes at the cost of my own. I can be really nosy and when I want to be, really bossy. I try to do good deeds and avoid the not-so-good ones.

No matter how you look at me, I'm about as ordinary as ordinary come by. Yet, I've always been surrounded by people whom I thought were talented, profound, extraordinary, excellent and extremely able. It's a strange, wondrous feeling, to be friends with people who has qualities you admire. While I've never been overly concerned about it, I know (theoretically) that it can be vexing at times. Sometimes, I wonder to myself, do I ever feel jealous? Is there not even a shred of envy? Hmmm...not really. I don't really understand the concept of envy, but if it's supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, then what I'm feeling is certainly not envy. No...the people around me make me want to better myself. Perhaps admiration is a better word...and maybe impressed. Because, at the end of the day, I may say to myself "I wish I could do that" but I can't miss what I've never had. I might think that, "Wow! That was awesome!" but I've never thought about why I never had that. I might fantasize about how to get there and what might happen along the way, but then again, I prefer daydreaming to actually finding a way to get there.

I'm starting to think that there are small, important things in life, which if you can choose to do well, is just as good as big, important things in life. I mean...I've started asking myself...what really makes me feel good? My achievements? My relationships? The things I have? The dreams I possess and the goals I aspire towards? My belief or stand over things?

I used to think it was important...I still think they are, but looking back now, the times where I felt the happiest were when I was with people whom I loved and cared deeply about. The family dinners, the hang-out sessions, the conversations I have with my friends...nothing fills me with greater joy. I'll admit that emptiness still eats at me at times because I haven't found a direction in my life, but spending time with people who matter helps me get my inner compass realigned. I know I get distracted at times, but sometimes, life needs a little detour.

And the times when I felt most good with myself? It was when I did seemingly small things for others. The time I accompanied an elderly lady to MV when all she did was ask me for directions, the times I walked past someone who dropped something and gave it back to them, the time I paid someone a compliment, the times when I sat down and listened to someone, and the times I looked someone in the eye and told them honestly, that I thought they did a great job, and saw the way they reacted...these moments warmed me up from inside out, and always left me with a good mood for the rest of the day.

Doing all these things gives me this high unlike anything, and I know for a fact that I did those things because I wanted to. It gets me into a fair spot of trouble when, say, I end up taking care of others' troubles instead of my own. And yes, I've been in that spot time and time again. And yes, I've been exhausted before because I was giving much of myself away. But do I regret doing those things? No. I might've been in a pinch because I wasn't good at learning how to differentiate when I'm in over my head, but I've never regretted a single moment of it. I guess I just need to learn to adjust myself. And maybe learn to recognise when I need to ask for help.

I think, things have become a little simpler for me. I've tried to live in slightly more complicated ways...I thought that doing more things was a way to achieve more, and perhaps, I was doing more to find a way to fill up that gap in me. I've thought that there should be a clear picture at the end, and that I should do my best to clear the things which were clouding it up. But perhaps, it's time I slow down and do things which are just...meaningful to me, and the people around me. I'm really ordinary, yes...but I think, at this point, all I want is for the people around me to find their happiness...I might still have a fuzzy picture ahead of me, but I think it's about time I stop worrying over the fact that I can't focus my lens and think about the immediate and not-too-distant things. And who knows, if I still can't "unfuzzify" my picture at the end of this, it might signal a time for me to learn to paint a new one.