The end of the world?

Today, I dreamt about the end of the world. I think.

I don't remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember living next to the ocean, in a beautiful grassy valley. Then, one day, a great Titan who looked like it was made of of lava rose from the sea and a wave of liquid fire swept across the valley. And so I ran, with the one companion I had left, to the other parts of the world (which was partitioned like rooms in a rumah panjang for some reason, and I've never even been to a real rumah panjang!) warning people about the coming disaster (and yes, when I turned around to look back, the wave of lava was catching up).

Many people didn't really believe me, but I went on and on to warn everyone else until I reached the end of the world, where I saw one of our ex-PMs, at which point I just burst into tears. Weird much?

...

I hate it when people say "Don't be afraid of showing your true self". Because people only want to see what they want to see. I hate it when they tell you, "You can share your problems or feelings with me" and then say "I can't stand it when there's too much emotion."

I also hate it when they prepare to say something hurtful, in relation to your person, and then say "Nothing personal, okay?" because it is f**king personal. I hate it when they say something like that and expect you to suck it up and take it objectively like an unfeeling machine. I don't know about you, but I'm a feeling, bleeding human being. How would you like it if I told you "I'm gonna stick a knife in you, but can you pretend it doesn't hurt?" That's how it's like for me when you say these things.

People say to me "I can't relax when there's too much emotion" or "But it is negative". I wanna say it back to them, "How do you know it's negative?" Can you differentiate me when I'm in a neutral mood vs a bad mood? Can you tell it when I'm venting because I'm seriously venting vs when I just want to bitch about something sarcastically? You tell me "I don't like it when you assume a lot of things about me." Well, I don't like it either that you automatically take my silent spells for negative moods. So now I can't even be quiet without appearing pissy?

If I were any braver, or less feeling, I'd tell you exactly how I feel, but it's to my greatest misfortune that I am more afraid of hurting my close friends than I am myself. So when you tell me you're gonna stick a knife in me, instead of taking it and sticking it back in you like I so want to, I suck up it and pretend it doesn't hurt. It's not fair, but it's how it is, isn't it? If at this point, you say "But you can always just be open", I'll slap you and say "Bullshit", because me being open and expressive is me being emotional (especially all the negative ones) and you can 't stand emotions no? So it's tantamount to saying, "You're screwed if you do, screwed if you don't".

I'm gonna be petty now and say, there were so many things I'm not comfortable with about your person. Just a few would be "Why are you always late?" "How can you be such a rock?" "I don't like it when you say stuff like 'Chill' when you don't know if I'm chilling". But did I ever tell you? Hell no. Why? Coz I don't want to hurt you, whom I regard a friend. Screwed up isn't it? But hey, you're sending mixed signals over here. What do you expect me to do? Oh, and even if I do suck it up and you know, lessen the "emotions", do you know what that's like for me? I can't stop feeling you know, unless you kill me and replace me with a talking robot. I'm not like you, who can detach yourself from things and go, "That's nothing to do with me, why would I give a damn?" But then you go around being all upset about some stuff that for me, it really doesn't matter! So why are you feeling so hung up about it? You talk about how everyone should have and respect each other's rights to their own opinion, but you're not respecting my right to express myself. You think it's tiring to be emotional about things, but you talk about it as though you know for sure emotions are tiring. Are you sure it's not because you're not used to having all those emotions? I can't help it when I feel something, but I can certainly not express it. But the emotions have to go somewhere right? You want me to just suppress all of that just so you can have a relaxing work environment? What about me? Can you exude more emotions so I can have a more relaxing work environment?

You ask me "Why didn't you ask why I was moody?" Because the last time I f**king asked, I got told that you want your own space. So I was just trying to be respectful. Stop sending me mixed messages! What is wrong with you? I can't read your mind! And I have my own feelings too! Just because I care a lot about you and don't want to hurt your feelings, I don't appreciate being taken for granted and you expect me to understand your feelings and do something accordingly. But you know what's sad? It's the fact that I can never tell you all these, because I'm afraid of accidentally hurting or offending you. That just sucks, but I don't think you would understand.

Clean up after yourself

Moving is stressful. It's also highly irritating. Especially when lots of the trash in the place does not belong to me, but I have to clean it up. I don't care. I'm not doing it. I don't think it's fair that I have to take out energy to do someone else's work when the person(s) who are supposed to clean up is just "too busy" or think that we have to do it because it was our space. Unfair, unjust, and lots of bull. So don't expect me to clean up after you.

...

If you had to choose between being a person of exceptional talent, but possibly may never be content with life and a typical person of no extraordinary ability but will be content with life, which would you choose?

It's not so much a life decision as it is a driving force behind the paths I could take. From a young age, my parents have pushed me on to a path that could have potentially brought me to becoming someone exceptional. Of course, I meant this in terms of academic excellence. But I also had many opportunities presented to me in the early years. Yet in their pursuit of making me someone exceptional with academics, they took it upon themselves to close all the other doors along the way, effectively barricading all the paths less travelled by. In all other aspects, they insisted on teaching me a life of simplicity, where I can learn to be content with being unremarkable in other areas of my life, as long as I had that one goal, that one destination for which I am headed to.

And then I grew up. I know the simplicities in life, and I know what it means to be content with the little joys. But the premature closing of all the other doors have left its unmistakable print along the path I have thus walked. The way of life made known to me since I was a child encouraged for me to be a typical person, that I should not aspire too loftily, that it was all right to aim at just a little beyond eye level. That I should not focus on other things, or that I was unremarkable in anything else but studies, was a good thing. It was a sign of concentration...plainly put, I've been invested in the one area of which I know I will be able to do well in. But the words of parents are never as their actions, and behind the unspoken rule of "no extremes" in lifestyle, they threw in a strong, resounding message to be different, to be unique, to be "of excellence and of value".

So how was I to reconcile wanting to be typical and to be exceptional at the same time? How was I to know, that their constant whisperings have long planted in me a deeply rooted need to want to be apart from the rest, to stand above the population, to be recognized in a way that no one else can? How was I to know, that at the same time, I was to strive to maintain a clear balance of not aiming too highly for its sheer unrealistic risks? What they have done, they did it for me. They advised me the best they know how, from what they best know about me. But what they never realized is that by closing those doors, I have long lost the opportunity to travel the other paths. I resigned myself to the fact that I was too far gone on this path to turn back, but sometimes, I get a glimpse of the scenery on the other side, and I come to a temporary standstill, wavering as I look at the weather-worn signboards.

好き？

最近好きな人がいると思う。まぁ。。。そう言ってるけど、実に好きかどうか分からないけどね。あの人に惹かれてるのは確かだ。。。でも本当に好きかどうか考えると。。。まだ分からない。

ただ、一緒にいるのが楽しい。一緒に色々するのが好き。この気持ちは。。。いろんな気持ちや思いが混ざっている。憧れや友情や。。。そう。。。もしかして、恋愛感情が混ざってるかもしれない。でも、これは恋かただの憧れか？ハハ。。。考えてるだけでドキドキするな。。。

フゥン。。。好き。。かな？あの人は知らないと思う。。。でも、まぁ、私がバレバレかもしれない可能性もあるから、気づいてるかもしれない。でも別にあの人に知られているのが怖いとかわけじゃない。この気持ちは嫌いじゃないよ。ちょっぴり緊張で、ドキドキで、知られてなくても、知られていても、今を味わって、楽しく過ごせばいい。

Hidden feelings...

I used to think that I would be happy just being who I am. I would be contented with what I can have and not ask for more. But now, I know how difficult it is to tell myself that in the face of...face of what? A lack of a person to share my life with? A fulfilling relationship?

It isn't like I don't have fulfilling relationships. I have good, helpful colleagues, caring friends, and a family I love and who loves me. I have people to share interests with, people who understand me and people whom I show different sides to. But deep down I think I hunger for something more intimate. How do I know this? I don't.

It's just, I sometimes think I'm very fickle. Just not too long ago, I jested about a certain seiyuu whom I really liked. I like to daydream...I think I like to fantasize. Maybe I'm reaching a stage in my life where I want that kind of relationship, the kind of deep connection I see some of the people around me are having. Maybe I'm just young. Maybe I'm just wanting something that I don't have at the moment. I don't know. It's a really bizarre feeling.

The reason for this reflection right now is because, after being persuaded by a friend to rewatch a series I ended up following this particular actor I told myself I would stop following. Already I'm watching videos of him again and looking up pictures. I think it's ridiculous, to imagine being in a relationship with someone like. His looks are my type, and with the recent coverage, I realised I like his really tender side, and the side of him which can be really deep and emotional, and how he cared so much for his family. I even started thinking that, hey, maybe it won't be such a bad idea. And like I said, I like to fantasize, and I imagine meeting this person. But none of these make sense, none of these are possible. I just...I think I might be a little frustrated at myself. I think...I feel that I was being very superficial, I was being very unrealistic. I know this is the impossible, and yet I want to continue daydreaming about things like these. Is it foolish of me?

Deep down inside, I really want someone to care for me, to tell me that they think of me in a special way. But at the same time, a part of my mind rejects the whole idea that I would want, would hunger for this kind of attention. It's not that I don't want to fall in love. I just...don't want to fall into a trap of being too eager to misread signs and jump to conclusions. I don't want to spend so much time have romantic fantasies with people I know I might never even meet, yet I'm a bit...okay, a lot...of a romantic at heart.

Maybe my friend was right when they said I have high expectations. Maybe I'm just being unrealistic. I don't know. It frustrates me that I think about this and know that I'm just dreaming, yet I don't like myself for being such an airhead. I'm being contradictory, I know. What do I want? What do I really want?

Deep deep down inside, what am I looking for in the end? A successful career? To have a family of my own? Recognition? Fame, fortune? No, I don't think fortune is the one...maybe...maybe I just want affection. I want to have someone to love and that someone to love me back. And I'm foolish enough to want to wish that it was that person, whom I might never meet, in a personal circumstance, what more to actually have that person like me. I think I'm being very foolish. Yes, foolish...but I enjoy the feeling of being in a fleeting fantasy. Because right now, I don't have anyone. And I'm not in that situation to have those feelings. So I want to project, to transfer, whichever it is, my imaginary feelings to an imaginary person. Do you think I'm being silly? I think I am...but I want this sort of feeling. I need this feeling to make myself feel human. So perhaps I should simply accept that I'm a very contradictory person, who wants to be in love, but hates the idea of being in love for the sake of being in love. Indeed, a part of me has that little sliver of hope that maybe my little fantasies will come true. But as much of an optimist as I am, I think there are still things in the world which is...highly unlikely.

Another rant post

I know. I'm here again. Every time I'm here, it only means one thing. I want to rant, about my feelings of annoyance or anger or irritation, about my personal failures. Every post in this blog symbolizes one time in my life where I felt I was rock-bottom, or when I was not in control of my own emotions. It is a time of self-defeat.

And this time? Well, I guess I am just upset over how a dear friend and colleague of mine acted today. First of all, instead of blaming others, let me just reflect on my own mistakes. I admit that it wasn't right to change a preplanned course of action. I might have even sounded a bit whiny, I don't know, I couldn't obviously tell. I did not make the situation better when I made a joke of the situation, since I know how much you don't like making jokes out of situations like these. I know you were upset, it's written all over your face. That made me unhappy, knowing that as a friend, I somehow contributed to that unhappiness. But as a person, as your colleague, I was also upset over the attitude you displayed over the situation.

You claimed that changing things last minute, using the whiteboard instead of the prepared slides and making that decision in front of the students were not professional. I understood that you have spent the time and effort to book the projector. You also felt that it was more professional as tutors if we had made the changes before stepping into that room. But how professional is it to just pull out of the session like that? How professional was it to tell us that we should just do it, and that you're not going to take part? How do you think I felt? How do you think the students saw us?

I understand that it's your style. You like structure, you like stability and consistency. You like to follow a plan. But making a split second decision to go with another method doesn't mean I'm not acting professional. It's called adaptability. It's called flexibility. Given the situation that we were running late, there was no screen and only whiteboard, I was concerned that it would difficult to see, because when I was a student and had to use the white board as the screen, trust me, it's painful for my eyes and it kills my concentration. The power cord won't reach the plug. Given all these logistics, I thought that getting an extension will eat up even more time into our already delayed start. And all you did while we were deliberating was sit at the back of the class showing a clearly upset expression. It didn't help. At least, not to me.

I'll admit that I'm sensitive. I'm easily influenced by other people. And this includes my emotions. Seeing you like that made me feel bad, and it puts an immediate end to my eagerness to continue presenting the material. But I can't pull out and say I won't do it, because that's my job. At that time, I felt that that was the best step to take and I felt that it was of utmost importance that I remain flexible and keep up a good-humoured appearance. All because I could see that the students felt the tension between us. I wanted to handle it as professionally as I could, so I made jokes, I injected a personal touch to the presentation, to put them at ease. It's not the most interesting topic, so the only thing that will make a difference is the presenters. And one of them had just walked off.

I was affected, not so bad that I couldn't function, but enough that I couldn't perform my best. The whole time I was presenting, a part of me couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. But it was part of my job, and my own personal principles on professionalism that I remain engaged and cheery for the sake of the students. And thinking about how I couldn't give them the best made me feel as though I fell short of my own professional standards.

I was upset, not so much at you, but at myself for being affected. I was not happy that I lost self-control over myself. I was disappointed in myself that I felt that I failed you as a friend and a colleague. Above all, I was disappointed that I could not put it aside and perform my best. I understand that you were unhappy, that you disagreed with what we did, and I respect that you had good basis for it, and I respect that your style was different than mine. But I would have appreciated that you could think beyond yourself and your own unhappiness and respected me, because I too have feelings.

A reflection...

When I look at this blog...it's been four years since I created it.

It was not a blog meant to keep track of my life...it was not a blog meant to share. This was a place where I turned to, only when I'm hurt, only when I want to cry, only when I feel alone and so apart from the rest of the world and yet my mind knows I'm being irrational...

I looked back at the posts I've made...and I noted with a form of reminiscence the first few entries I made. They were posts about my breakup with my first boyfriend. It was so strange, the way I felt detached from it...there was no painful squeezing in my chest, no "If only" thoughts...In a way, I have managed to go through this with no regrets.

I don't know if I have healed, but I think I have. After that, up till now, I have not been in any relationships. Studies just...naturally took over. It was the most important thing to me at this stage, where my future hinged on it. I see him sometimes, in classes. But we don't talk anymore. We've naturally gone our own ways. I wonder if he still thinks about me, or what happened back then? But it doesn't matter. Now, I have my own group of friends, my own priorities. Even though I didn't get into a new relationship, it wasn't as though I wished I was. I knew it was foolish to think that way. It wasn't as though I was not attracted to other guys. But I came to a point where I start to have doubts in my own feelings. I was afraid that all those are fleeting feelings, that I didn't really like the person. So I learnt to stop saying...I learnt to just wait. I told myself that if I can stop worrying about it and wait and see if it holds against the test of time, then it may be true. None of it has. And none ever said anything to me.

So I spent the last few years, being happy with my friends, getting excited over anime...and even now, I am more attracted to certain seiyuu than I am to certain individuals in my immediate life. I guess I stop myself from dwelling on it. I came to appreciate the things and the people that I have....but I told myself not to ask for too much more. A lover, a soulmate...someone I want to share the deepest and most secret part of me...I will be lying if I said I don't think about wanting someone like that. But I know right now, I'm not ready for it. Not because I'm still hurt, but because, right now, I want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in the relationship. That means I'm not ready. And I believe and trust in God, that when the moment comes, that I love someone with every fibre of my being, and that person will love me in return, for every bit of myself, I will be ready.

少女ロマン？

最近「君に届け」を見てたけど。。。可愛いすぎる。　

何その高校少女ロマンス。。。でも。。。風早と爽子の恋はいいね。。。やっぱり、私女子高だったので、憧れますね。。。

“私もこういう恋がしたいな。。。”と思ってたよ。でも、ちゃんと考えば、私の性格ってチズちゃんに似ているよね。。。バカと運動神経のところ以外にな。。。

Old problem again?

Ah, I'm a typical Libran after all...was what I've been thinking recently. I hate being alone, need social company, am indecisive, like to please people, can't confront others and seem to enjoy fleeting feelings of crushing on people.

I'm starting to feel a little like an idiot these few days. I mean...after hanging out with certain people for a long while, I just upped and thought one random day, "Hey, *beep*'s pretty cute..."

What!?! Stop right there! Now, I ain't got nothing against you thinking people are cute, but girl, your old illness is coming back, man! This is soooo exposure effect. Just cause you spent a lot of time together lately doesn't mean it makes the person suddenly more attractive. I know you have a problem, girl, and I think that problem is you just want COMPANY! If you start liking every decent-looking person who starts to look out for you, you're gonna be like some candle in the wind, man! And I know that you can't head or tails about the way you interpret these crushes, so I know that you're gonna get your head way in on the deep end. So, do like you always do, shut it and wait it out. Coz knowing you, it's probably just a passing fancy.

これは。。。

何で? 誰でもないのに。。。貴方の一言で。。。胸が熱くなる、全身が止まらないほど震えている。息が旨く出来ない。鼓動もメチャメチャになって。


なのに、嫌。。。じゃない。これは。。。何の気持ちだろう? 貴方は私の何?

A lil' surprise

You always liked to fool around...I knew that, so I thought I'd play along with. Being coy, unleashed from the chains called 'norms' and 'rules' even for a while. It was fun, playing a game like that. We never overstepped the real boundaries of course...we're careful that way. But it was an experience, testing the limits...it was thrilling...and on top of that, it brought out a side of me I kept tightly reined.

Today wasn't any different. It was the same ol' game...feather-light touches, teasing each other through our words and eye contact. But in that last moment, when you leaned in suddenly...my mind went blank. In that 3 seconds, I wondered if you were really gonna lean all the way in, but you pulled away after that.


本当にキスしようとしたのかな? ちょっとだけ。。ドッキしたのさ。。。

Two sides...

誰でも裏と面がある。。。

そう。。。誰にでも、面と裏があるよ。誰でも分かるはず言葉なのに。。。人は何故、誰かの裏を見ると悪口をするのかな?

どんなきれいな面を持っていても。。。必ず同じほどの裏があるさ。私自身もね。。。

これこそ逃げられない現実だ。自分は思うほど良くなくて、強くない。心の中に。。。弱くて、臆病な私がどこかで隠れている。

それにしても、ひとはそれぞれ精いっぱいがんばって、本当の自分をなる為に。。。

Too late

これでいいのかな?

このまま諦めても本当にいいのかな?

好きとか何とか言われなかったけど、 この思いを押えるのかしら?

。
。
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。
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でももう。。。手が届かないんだ。。。

Dreams of being chased

Ah...recently I've been seeing some really strange dreams...and they all have a particular theme...chasing.

More precisely, I've been dreaming about being chased by people quite often lately. It's a little strange, but from what I can remember, it's happened about three times now, and in a short period of a few weeks. Given that I don't normally remember my dreams well, it must have made a significant impact on my mind.

The first of these took place in a kinda small village in some isolated place. I vividly remember there was a really big lake...or maybe it was the sea...but it was very beautiful. Then in the center of that lake, there was a small isle, and some way off was an entrace to a cave which can only be entered when the tide is low. There's a very high, very sharp cliff that's facing the lake, and there's a really big house right at the edge. In my dream, I somehow knew the house belonged to someone with a lot of authority. I mingled with the common people during the day, but at night, I had to infiltrate the house to steal something. I don't know why...but the sense of having a mission to do was there. And when I got to the room on the highest floor, before I could grab whatever it was I needed to take...someone barged right in. Somehow I knew it was the bodyguard of whoever lived there. There was nowhere to run, so I jumped through a glass window and fell towards the lake... It was a very surreal feeling, falling from that height. I could almost feel the wind rippling through my hair and clothes, the unusual sensation that I was probably going to fall to my death. Yet the only thing I could think of then was how the surface of the lake looked like beautiful jewels glittering under the moonlight. Miraculously (or not), I was uninjured as I landed in the lake...swam into the cave, and hoped the guy after me wouldn't know this cave existed. But he did, and I was trapped with no way out. The moment he called me, I woke up.

At first I thought it was because I watched too much anime, but a similar dream happened soon after that. Again, the theme was that I intruded into a building, this time a flat-like structure. Vaguely, I remembered seeing some shops there...and again, there was someone pursuing. This time, I couldn't remember why I was being chased, but I get the feeling if I get caught, the consequences wouldn't be pleasant. So I ran up, floor after floor, till I hit like...maybe the fourth or fifth floor, then I ran into a fabric shop I think. The guy who was chasing me ran off in another direction, and I ran into the toilet, or the storeroom...can't remember which. Then he was banging on the door...he knew I was there. And it was really...odd. A part of me wants to get caught...see what would happen if I did, but another part of me knew I needed to escape. So I climbed out of a small window, and there I was standing on a very narrow ledge of the fourth or fifth floor. I think I woke up at that point, because I can't remember anything beyond that.

Then the last one, which was really recent, was even more vague. I was just walking around when someone ordered a guy to capture me. Again, I don't know why...It was bizarre, because the guy drove like...a truck or something to come after me, and I was running on foot. I saw the face of the dude (looks strangely similar to Wooyoung, though) and I remember feeling somewhat terrified. At some point, I got on a horse and tried escaping on it, but I hit a dead end when it refused to jump the fence. Figures...I never knew how to ride a horse., in and out of the dreams. And the Wooyoung-lookalike was coming nearer too. Again, at the critical moment when he was close to approaching, there was a conflicting feeling of wanting to be caught, yet wanting to get away.

In all these dreams, I never really knew why I was running away, or why exactly was I being pursued. But as a psych student, maybe...I don't know, it's just my own interpretation...maybe I was running from something in my waking life. It felt like something that was way bigger than me...sometihng that I knew I should give in to, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was something like my responsibilities...maybe there's something in my life that I really want to let go off...or something I don't want to face, but I have to. Then again, I remember the vague thrill of the chase...it was slightly scary, yes, but at every moment when I feel like I'm cornered...there was always a slight feeling of excitement that I'll finally get caught, yet there's the feeling that I shouldn't "lose". It's a really odd way of seeing it, but maybe I want to relinquish control...wanting to succumb..to surrender for once. After fighting, struggling, running for a long time, there was a sense of wanting to just give in and give up. Accompanying that thought was a rush of being in a situation where I'm not in control. Haha...maybe I'm an M. But it could also mean that I'm tired of playing the leader role and having to take responsibility for...whatever it is, and just have someone lead me instead...

This is all way too Freudian, but hey, every Psych student falls into Freudian interpretation now and then...or maybe my friend was right and I'm just a tsundere who really wants to do it. XD

Hisashiburi ni...

It's been a month....a month since I last posted here...a month of calm. Or rather, there were other things, distractors...things that were much more important than me. So much work that it's almost driving me nuts...so many issues on the job and off the job that I need to think of....so much so that I haven't had the time for myself...and that means I haven't had the time to pick on the issues I've been worrying about. But finally the assignments are over, finally I have some time freed up, and what better time to reflect on what's been happening.

First off...I seem to remember being ill most times. Well, not ill, just a bit off colour, but that's something to be expected, I guess. After all, juggling the schedules of a college student and a tutor means I need to constantly on the top of the game, so I suppose it's not surprising that it's taking a toll on my body. It isn't a good thing...must nurse my body back to health once the holidays come by. Right now, I'm still coughing...and there's an ulcer near my tonsils, so every time I swallow it hurts. ><

Mentally, I'm exhausting myself everyday just thinking about how to organise all my work so everything gets done on time. The game assignment, the research...to be honest, I've put so much of myself in it I wonder if it's a good sign. I'm kinda glad it's over, so I can slow down a little now...study for the finals at a nice pace...

There's been a lot going on in the family too. Haven't been keeping in touch with them as often as I should...miss them a lot... I just want to finish up quickly so I can go home and see the faces of my loved ones. Ah, I'm tearing up a little...looks like I've really been stretched. Just yesterday, I received news that my granddad has been hospitalised. His lungs collapsed and he's now having a really tough time breathing. I don't know what to say to that. To be honest, I've never been that close to my father's side of the family, but to be so detached...should I be ashamed?

I wonder if stress makes people want to do some crazy things... My desire for learning is coming back to me in full strength. I've already taken the placement test for Jap, but my mum insisted that I should go for it next year...so that I can come back to Ipoh for te long break in Aug. I don't know...I suppose it can be done. After all, sensei is in Ipoh. Then there's the deep thirst to try out dancing...as a form of exercise it'd be great, since I'm not fond of working out, so dance is about teh only physical activity that I might enjoy. Jazz and hip hop are the top ones in my head right now. There's also drums...and guitar. How can one person want to learn so many things? I'm surprised at myself sometimes...am I a fickle person?

Ah, on a side note, looks like the flame isn't out yet...there's yet an ember still glowing dimly at the sight of the person. But knowing that I'm not the spark the person is looking for, I'll need to extinguish it...drowned out with a barrage of other things which are more important.

.......

It happened...I've been having premonitions about this for some time already. So it has finally happened...and the reason was because I had been overboard in certain ways I act...behaviour which comes to me naturally, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry....was all I could say. I knew I had the tendencies to be loud, and hyper...but I never thought it would be this bad. I wondered why this rift was growing between us, and now I know...

......

I can't say anything...except that I'll try to restrain myself a little more. The funny thing is, when I feel the stress from this problem, it translates into excessive energy...meaning my hyperness increases drastically. Huh, ironic huh? But this is my defense mechanism...when I'm hyper, beyond the normal amount, it's my way of making myself numb to the pain... I feel it too much, the distance between us. I now know why people said loneliness is a very cold feeling...it really is...so I dealt with it the way I've dealt with this kind of pain. I become more..."bright". If I behave like I'm happy, or hyper, in this case...it makes me believe that I am. The brain can do that...deceive you into feeling things are okay when they're not...

But it's this device which caused this problem. I don't know how to deal with it...I don't dare to talk to you guys about it....because I'm scared. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong...but I need to know. The feeling overwhelms me..why...why...why? And it was only by design and genuine care from one of you that I found out.

It hurts...of course it does. But it's necessary. Maybe I'm a stupid person, but I think of it like this...this is the price. I say to others to pay attention to others' feelings, but I remained so blind to how I've caused others discomfort. It sucks, doesn't it...when you find out...

Maybe...it's better if I hurt a little longer from this...this way, maybe I'll finally learn...just drown for a while...yeah...

The Irony of Morality

After attending a lecture on morality, it made me wonder about morality and the human conscience. How do we differentiate right from wrong? How is that we judge and evaluate the actions and intentions of other human beings? It's simple for animals; if it doesn't harm you then it's not bad. We humans establish complex systems and concepts to regulate this idea we call morality.

According to Kohlberg, at one point, the human morality adheres to right and wrong because the rules or norms have been socially accepted and reviewed. The highest level of morality results from ethics which an individual chooses to adhere to. But doesn't that tell us that morality is not a stable, concrete thing? I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron, no? Society tells us that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but who created the laws? Is there a universal 'right' and a universal 'wrong'? If indeed, as Kohlberg had said, laws and rules were created through norms, and that they are rules because the society decides that it is...then morality is about as malleable as PlayDoh. And isn't this visible even now? Different societies have a different system for what can and cannot be done...and even then, there are those who would bend and manipulate these existing rules to ensure that they get the biggest piece of the pie.

If we think about it, morality was simply a concept thought up by humans to maintain order and avoid anarchy. But what good is morality if we simply 'put' it on to save our skins? Because isn't that what many do? To follow the law because they don't want to suffer the unpleasant consequences...in some case, laws be damned, they just want to get what they want. Behind the "moral" actions of many lie other things...things we call pride, fear, attention...self-serving righteousness... Are we so primitive that we cannot process the idea of morality at a level higher than ourselves? Yes, we have religion..and these have emphasised on a morality that seems true, but again, we have those people who would not hesitate to twist the word of God to serve their own needs. We humans can be pretty hypocritical.

Of course, there are people who have transcended this flawed perspective, but these people are so rare, you wonder if they really are so noble. And we call ourselves higher beings compared to animals. At least my dog is sincerely doing whatever he pleases and expressing himself as he is. Perhaps we human beings have yet to undergo a moral evolution that can help us become better people...I guess we will only find out in the next hundred million years or so, if we don't buck up.

Coming to terms...

To think that the one time my gut instinct proved right was when I suspected that I was out of the running. It's strange...when I first got a vague sense that I won't even qualify to compete, it's as though I became resigned to the fact. Surely it was a defense mechanism, this strange apathy, this unsurmising callousness.

Because all the intensity I had felt over this, when I realised that there was hardly any chance that it will be reciprocated, I immediate withdrew upon the well-built fortress of my mind, constructed with logic, strengthened by rationality. It was a response I am too familiar with...to distance myself and intellectualise the emotional part of me...to chastise it so that I mold myself to the rules of logic and thereby, rendering the injury to my fragile sense to its minimum.

And it worked of, of course. Intellect and logic are great things. They can kill, suffocate, numb one's emotional sensitivity. I know now for sure that I have lost, but I am able to joke about it, to feel detached from the repercussions that should have accompanied this blow. But I am fine, thanks to my wretched rationality. Ah, how ironical that the thing that is protecting me is also my biggest liability...but for now, I shall give it appreciation, for saving my soul from a cut.

Falling out?

It's a bit weird isn't it, lately? At least, that's what I've been feeling. Like I'm falling out with you guys. I want to hang out with you guys, but can't because of the things I needed to do. I couldn't lunch with you guys due to meetings and stuff, couldn't hang out coz I was busy...and I have the feeling lately that I'm not clicking anymore.

When I try to talk to you people, it's like it's nothing more than being superficial. Something's wrong...something's missing. It's as though when I try to talk to you, there's no eagerness to talk. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward.

In all honestly, I felt left out when you guys went ahead and grouped yourselves without any hints of whether you want me in or not. In fact, it felt more like you guys weren't too keen on it. I felt that it was weird, but I thought, hey, we're all grown up. We don't need to be in the same groups all the time.

But my paranoia has only been getting worse. I don't know how to start a conversation with you guys anymore, because it's strangely silent. You guys talk amongst yourselves...but I was never able to include myself, because firstly I had no clue what you guys were harping on about, so I chose to just keep quiet and listen. And when I tried talking, the conversation ended quickly.

Am I being oversensitive? Maybe I am...but it doesn't mean that I deny what I've been feeling. I feel like an outcast, like I'm just an extra of the group...I'm not needed there. That's the vibe I've been getting. And because I still feel that we are friends that I chose not to ask if something was wrong. I don't know if something was indeed off. I don't dare to ask. Was it me? Was it something I did or did not do? Why does it feel like I'm drifting further apart from the group? It's like, having your friends go out and never invite you, yet to hear all about it later...that kind of feeling..

I'm lost and confused about what's happening. I think I'm being paranoid...maybe just too touchy lately. But it doesn't help that I really feel that you guys don't seem to want to talk. Maybe I'm just being weird lately...but it's making me lonely...