I read something the other day, about how the element of the earth is actually the balance between yin and yang. The center of the compass, having qualities of all the other four elements, and tied to them in a way that symbolises the balance and the groundedness of the earth. Earth can be produced from the ashes of a fire, and be the foundation for the growth of trees, by absorbing water and revitalised by moisture, and with time, birth metals and gems. In this sense, it also feels in tune to the scales of a Libran. The balance of your energy, and your introspection. You, and me. Finally I feel like it makes sense. That, really, we didn't have to struggle, you and I, because we both stand on one end of the scale, and we balance each other. And most importantly, we ground each other, and I finally understand why it wasn't just you in the fore, and me in the background, wondering who's real or who's not. Essentially, we are each other's ground.
You've taken a long walk inwards...and you found me. And it is...in many ways, a meeting that was fated. I couldn't think of what would have happened if we hadn't met. And in the last few months, I've journeyed further into the abyss, a maze of vines, and shuttered windows, shaken every now and then by the earthquake of your soul. I've had to fight my way through the walled up sections, broken down doors which refused to be unlocked...retraced my steps countless times through the tracks in the dirt, and sand, and sometimes blinding light. And I've found this place inside...I don't know if it's our core. I can't tell yet. But I feel that this could very well be a place where we can both return to...to come back to the balance, to be grounded, before we go out to the world again.
There is this place inside...perpetually at night, but you can always see the moon. I don't know if there were stars. Then in the middle of this glade, where the grass seemed almost a velvety gray and silver, there is a lake, black as the night. At times, when you and I are both at peace, the surface is still like a mirror, and it reflects the things in both of us...and perhaps the things in others which we meet. At times, when we are shaken, the water becomes choppy. But always...it would always come back to the stillness which embodies the glade. The glade is not untouchable. I do not think that is our nature. But the glade is centered in its stillness. The winds and the quakes, and the raging sounds from the outside...they come in, and they surround the glade and alter perhaps a little of its terrain, but always, always....like the grounded earth and empty scale, rights itself into a balance, and we feel right again. It's a beautiful place...and I think that's our center at the moment. And I feel that with this glade, we could always go out there and face whatever it is, and do whatever it is...and still be able to come back to the glade and know that the reflection on that lake is who we are. Remember who we are...remember the stillness of that glade, and the image in the water. Remember, and hold on to that...and we will never lose ourselves.
Sunday, February 09, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
Letter to self #9
With the year drawing to a close, I thought it apt for us to take a look back, because this year meant a lot to both you and I.
2013...
A lot has happened, hasn't it? This year alone marks a special spot in both our histories. You allowed me to blend into you, and you allowed me to be seen by others. In a lot of ways, I feel that this year have been very important for you to become who we are.
Studying, working, doing all sorts of new crazy things...I never thought you had this whole spirit in you, because I knew you would rather be cautious than take risks. But coming into the program has really helped you, isn't that so? I think there were many moments you had to confront yourself. You could have turned away, could have run from it and no one would be the wiser. But you chose to confront yourself anyway. You didn't rely on me to lick your wounds, or allow yourself to swim in righteous self-pity. Those major moments you allowed a select few to see inside you, or to express yourself with self-censorship because you wanted to make sure to be nice and not hurt people's feelings, I think it's a sign of growth, and I think you should be proud of yourself for being able to do that.
In a lot of ways, this year had us both talking to each other a lot, didn't we? Whenever you sit down to reflect about the things that happened, you stop by to see me, and allowed me to share my perspective with you. I think it's refreshing, being able to speak up for once. There were...moments I thought we would both fail. Of course, there were moments when you struggled, but tried to stand on your own. At this rate, I wonder if I would still be needed. But of course, I am, and will always be you, so it's a given that you will continue to need me, just in a different capacity. Perhaps that too would be interesting.
Let's take a look at some of those major points...
Sharing with the class about your own painful experience. This was the beginning of it all wasn't it? That tiny little bit of courage, allowing others to see you for who you are. And to have them all come around and give you a hug, and tell that it's okay to be in pain. That was the beginning. And then, to have others acknowledge that truly, you are actually really shy and secretive about yourself, and to be okay with waiting for you to come out to them. That was what you and I have been searching for all this while. Of course, I don't mean that only good things happened after this, because then you felt more opened up to risks. There was a danger about the experience, and uncertainty which took away that sense of confidence in you. But in its place, I think you are much more honest to yourself, and that is good.
Another major event...that night you decided to tell him. You had it rehearsed over and over in your head, and still, you were nervous, weren't you? And as you'd expected, he didn't know. He didn't even see it coming; you could see it in his eyes. And in the end, you did feel sad. Not quite hurt, or in pain...just a mellow sort of loneliness and melancholy. But then you called her, like you always do, and you felt better. Over the next few days, you had this sense of quiet about you. But it wasn't a bad thing. You thought a lot about it, but you didn't overthink it like you always did. I know, because if you were stuck in a swamp of self-pity and misery, I would've come. But you didn't. You sat through it, allowed yourself time to first accept it (I wouldn't say grieve, because we both know how we're like with mourning loss). And in the end, you came out of it all right, and you still wanted to be friends. I think it's an improvement.
Then the event. Those four days...that was something wasn't it? Meeting all those new people, but especially those three, it blew away your fatigue from the year and made you feel like you could face another year. That sense of intimacy, I think, was not something you had expected, much less desired. But it was present nonetheless, and it had been great for you. I think, this is the first for both you and ! to feel this lonely after new friends leave. And to want to work so hard at keeping in touch with them, I simply hope this spells a new bond, and not an overattachment. This meeting has given both of us hope, and perhaps a little reckless bravado, because we made several promises to people we just met! (Teaching English long-distance is one thing, but agreeing to try cosplay and aim for Japan trip? I think it's unheard of from you.)
2013 has been one crazy ride for you and I, but we both made it out alive, in one piece...and perhaps kicking in a new gear for the next. I'll see you again next year, and know that I'll still be right in here when you need me.
2013...
A lot has happened, hasn't it? This year alone marks a special spot in both our histories. You allowed me to blend into you, and you allowed me to be seen by others. In a lot of ways, I feel that this year have been very important for you to become who we are.
Studying, working, doing all sorts of new crazy things...I never thought you had this whole spirit in you, because I knew you would rather be cautious than take risks. But coming into the program has really helped you, isn't that so? I think there were many moments you had to confront yourself. You could have turned away, could have run from it and no one would be the wiser. But you chose to confront yourself anyway. You didn't rely on me to lick your wounds, or allow yourself to swim in righteous self-pity. Those major moments you allowed a select few to see inside you, or to express yourself with self-censorship because you wanted to make sure to be nice and not hurt people's feelings, I think it's a sign of growth, and I think you should be proud of yourself for being able to do that.
In a lot of ways, this year had us both talking to each other a lot, didn't we? Whenever you sit down to reflect about the things that happened, you stop by to see me, and allowed me to share my perspective with you. I think it's refreshing, being able to speak up for once. There were...moments I thought we would both fail. Of course, there were moments when you struggled, but tried to stand on your own. At this rate, I wonder if I would still be needed. But of course, I am, and will always be you, so it's a given that you will continue to need me, just in a different capacity. Perhaps that too would be interesting.
Let's take a look at some of those major points...
Sharing with the class about your own painful experience. This was the beginning of it all wasn't it? That tiny little bit of courage, allowing others to see you for who you are. And to have them all come around and give you a hug, and tell that it's okay to be in pain. That was the beginning. And then, to have others acknowledge that truly, you are actually really shy and secretive about yourself, and to be okay with waiting for you to come out to them. That was what you and I have been searching for all this while. Of course, I don't mean that only good things happened after this, because then you felt more opened up to risks. There was a danger about the experience, and uncertainty which took away that sense of confidence in you. But in its place, I think you are much more honest to yourself, and that is good.
Another major event...that night you decided to tell him. You had it rehearsed over and over in your head, and still, you were nervous, weren't you? And as you'd expected, he didn't know. He didn't even see it coming; you could see it in his eyes. And in the end, you did feel sad. Not quite hurt, or in pain...just a mellow sort of loneliness and melancholy. But then you called her, like you always do, and you felt better. Over the next few days, you had this sense of quiet about you. But it wasn't a bad thing. You thought a lot about it, but you didn't overthink it like you always did. I know, because if you were stuck in a swamp of self-pity and misery, I would've come. But you didn't. You sat through it, allowed yourself time to first accept it (I wouldn't say grieve, because we both know how we're like with mourning loss). And in the end, you came out of it all right, and you still wanted to be friends. I think it's an improvement.
Then the event. Those four days...that was something wasn't it? Meeting all those new people, but especially those three, it blew away your fatigue from the year and made you feel like you could face another year. That sense of intimacy, I think, was not something you had expected, much less desired. But it was present nonetheless, and it had been great for you. I think, this is the first for both you and ! to feel this lonely after new friends leave. And to want to work so hard at keeping in touch with them, I simply hope this spells a new bond, and not an overattachment. This meeting has given both of us hope, and perhaps a little reckless bravado, because we made several promises to people we just met! (Teaching English long-distance is one thing, but agreeing to try cosplay and aim for Japan trip? I think it's unheard of from you.)
2013 has been one crazy ride for you and I, but we both made it out alive, in one piece...and perhaps kicking in a new gear for the next. I'll see you again next year, and know that I'll still be right in here when you need me.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Letter to self #8
I know today isn't the best of days. It isn't even the worst of days. But it is the day you learnt what it means to feel even a tinge of envy. It feels miserable and painful, isn't it? Watching him being so much more expressive with someone else, and he isn't that way with you, it hurts you deep inside. Deep down, you wish to yourself that he would show you such expressions, that his smile and laughter will be directed at you. I know that's what you want, but I also know that's not what you're getting.
You try to put up a bravado, like you don't care, telling yourself that you'd wait. You'd just continue to behave the way you do, hoping he would notice the signs that you're paying extra attention to him, or that you are trying to tell him, in subtle ways, that you're interested. And it hurts when you can't tell whether it's getting there. I don't know what's worst, him not getting the signals, or getting it but not interested. I know for a fact that you don't feel confident about yourself as a girl. I know for a fact that this is the first time you've been this deep in the whirlpool.
But I want you to hold on. I want you to stay strong, keep doing what you're doing, and if he's really interested, he would approach you no matter what (at least, that's what people say. I, for one, think guys will still have a touch of cowardice in them for things like this). If he's not, I guess no matter what you do, it's wasted on them. You're attracted to his kindness, his smile, and his seemingly genuine care. But at times, he doesn't even look at you twice. So it slices you up inside. Not knowing is tearing you apart, but asking is just this huge risk you don't want to take. It's ok. We all get it. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, or a complete coward, or someone who is full of it. It just means you're a normal girl, with fragile feelings for things like this. Hold on.
I want you to remember that one day, someone will come along and see the beauty in you. Someone will notice who you are, see the nuances in you that he will love, and come to love you for who you are. Someone will learn of the dark, shadowy parts inside you, and still take them in because he loves you and won't want you to be less than you. I know, one day, someone will come along. And you are worth it. I know you feel like crap now, thinking you're the most unattractive person in class, or whatever. But you are worth it. This is just...a painful feeling, which you can endure. And I know you can endure. Because you are kind, affectionate, caring and loving, and you will give your whole heart to the person you love without conditions, even though you know he can hurt you with it. But you are trusting, and you will tell him, in that slightly abashed way you get when you're shy about certain truths, that you trust and love him wholeheartedly. And you know what? He will return your love with the same. One day, someone will come along, and you are worth it. So hold on.
You try to put up a bravado, like you don't care, telling yourself that you'd wait. You'd just continue to behave the way you do, hoping he would notice the signs that you're paying extra attention to him, or that you are trying to tell him, in subtle ways, that you're interested. And it hurts when you can't tell whether it's getting there. I don't know what's worst, him not getting the signals, or getting it but not interested. I know for a fact that you don't feel confident about yourself as a girl. I know for a fact that this is the first time you've been this deep in the whirlpool.
But I want you to hold on. I want you to stay strong, keep doing what you're doing, and if he's really interested, he would approach you no matter what (at least, that's what people say. I, for one, think guys will still have a touch of cowardice in them for things like this). If he's not, I guess no matter what you do, it's wasted on them. You're attracted to his kindness, his smile, and his seemingly genuine care. But at times, he doesn't even look at you twice. So it slices you up inside. Not knowing is tearing you apart, but asking is just this huge risk you don't want to take. It's ok. We all get it. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, or a complete coward, or someone who is full of it. It just means you're a normal girl, with fragile feelings for things like this. Hold on.
I want you to remember that one day, someone will come along and see the beauty in you. Someone will notice who you are, see the nuances in you that he will love, and come to love you for who you are. Someone will learn of the dark, shadowy parts inside you, and still take them in because he loves you and won't want you to be less than you. I know, one day, someone will come along. And you are worth it. I know you feel like crap now, thinking you're the most unattractive person in class, or whatever. But you are worth it. This is just...a painful feeling, which you can endure. And I know you can endure. Because you are kind, affectionate, caring and loving, and you will give your whole heart to the person you love without conditions, even though you know he can hurt you with it. But you are trusting, and you will tell him, in that slightly abashed way you get when you're shy about certain truths, that you trust and love him wholeheartedly. And you know what? He will return your love with the same. One day, someone will come along, and you are worth it. So hold on.
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
If I could ever have a "bad day", maybe today is the day. I don't mean that my day was bad, no...but I end the night feeling down in the dumps...just for one reason.
You know, despite my personality and my confidence in many things, I still feel so anxious when it comes to things like this. Because I really don't know how to deal with it, or handle it. I acted cheerful, attentive and everything else, but how I truly felt inside. I felt a little sidelined, confused and full of turmoil. Every time I'm beside him, I want to turn to him and say something. But I felt so gripped by the loss for words that it hurts.
I could see he was occupied today. His mind was elsewhere. Something was bothering him, I think. But I couldn't say anything. I also felt a vague sense of discomfort. Maybe I'm being oversensitive. Maybe I'm being intrusive. I feel like he's stepping away from me. In my head, I know, people like him probably need their personal space. I've had so many friends like that. But it still hurts like no tomorrow. It hurts more when I start thinking that maybe I'm just annoying him.
Someone said, for every person we fall in love with, we stand a chance to take away not only that person's solitude, but also the potential happiness of someone else who may have been a part of that person's world. But I thinking for me, it's more accurate to say, for every person I fell in love with, I give away a part of myself because I want them to be happy. Sometimes at my own expense. For better or for worse. It hurts even more when the other person doesn't know. And I haven't got the courage to say anything. I watch him interact with other people and wish he could talk to me like that. A deep pressure wells up inside of me, unsettles me and it just fills me with a certain pain.
I feel like I'm hurting. I am hurting. It hurts so much to not be able to talk to him naturally, it hurts so much to feel like he doesn't seem to be comfortable enough to talk to me. It hurts, but what can I do? At times like these, should I keep my distance? Should I stay away even when I want to be beside him so, so much? Will I be able to endure it all? Every time I feel this pain, I want to talk to someone. I want answers to questions I know will never have answers. I want them to take away this pain! But I also know they can't possibly do it. So I cover up my hurt, carry on smiling and do other things to distract myself, when all I really want to do is cry and be comforted. The greatest irony lies in the fact that I do not think I can, I don't think I could allow myself to break down in front of someone. And this is just after 3 months. How long more do I need to endure? Will this all go away? Will it stay? Will it root itself more deeply than ever? And can I hold on and not tear myself up inside from the pain I feel right now?
You know, despite my personality and my confidence in many things, I still feel so anxious when it comes to things like this. Because I really don't know how to deal with it, or handle it. I acted cheerful, attentive and everything else, but how I truly felt inside. I felt a little sidelined, confused and full of turmoil. Every time I'm beside him, I want to turn to him and say something. But I felt so gripped by the loss for words that it hurts.
I could see he was occupied today. His mind was elsewhere. Something was bothering him, I think. But I couldn't say anything. I also felt a vague sense of discomfort. Maybe I'm being oversensitive. Maybe I'm being intrusive. I feel like he's stepping away from me. In my head, I know, people like him probably need their personal space. I've had so many friends like that. But it still hurts like no tomorrow. It hurts more when I start thinking that maybe I'm just annoying him.
Someone said, for every person we fall in love with, we stand a chance to take away not only that person's solitude, but also the potential happiness of someone else who may have been a part of that person's world. But I thinking for me, it's more accurate to say, for every person I fell in love with, I give away a part of myself because I want them to be happy. Sometimes at my own expense. For better or for worse. It hurts even more when the other person doesn't know. And I haven't got the courage to say anything. I watch him interact with other people and wish he could talk to me like that. A deep pressure wells up inside of me, unsettles me and it just fills me with a certain pain.
I feel like I'm hurting. I am hurting. It hurts so much to not be able to talk to him naturally, it hurts so much to feel like he doesn't seem to be comfortable enough to talk to me. It hurts, but what can I do? At times like these, should I keep my distance? Should I stay away even when I want to be beside him so, so much? Will I be able to endure it all? Every time I feel this pain, I want to talk to someone. I want answers to questions I know will never have answers. I want them to take away this pain! But I also know they can't possibly do it. So I cover up my hurt, carry on smiling and do other things to distract myself, when all I really want to do is cry and be comforted. The greatest irony lies in the fact that I do not think I can, I don't think I could allow myself to break down in front of someone. And this is just after 3 months. How long more do I need to endure? Will this all go away? Will it stay? Will it root itself more deeply than ever? And can I hold on and not tear myself up inside from the pain I feel right now?
Monday, June 03, 2013
Letter to self #7
You know those times in your life when you feel a rush of emotions for someone, and you keep trying to push it down, thinking it was nothing? You know how in those times, you doubt yourself over and over again, convinced that it is a mistake?
I thought it would be like that this time too. But I haven't forgotten. It hasn't gone away. Not even when I don't see this person. The way this person invades my thoughts at any time, anywhere, without a moment's notice or a warning, the way I can't stop thinking about him when I start, the way my mind runs away with itself when I think about him. Before this, the feelings I had for others were fleeting. I knew in my head they weren't serious, and I told myself time will wear it all down. And it did.
At first I told myself that. I told myself that maybe, like every other time, this would turn out in the exact same way with all the other times. But I knew...deep down inside, I knew. This time, it felt different. I've never had my thoughts so filled with one person. I've never had a time when, even supposedly doing something that consumes the totality of my attention, this person just simply floats in and steals my focus. I've never had someone made my heart race like this, for so long a time. I've never had someone who did this to me that I didn't want to avoid. I've never had someone who, when I see someone else engaging with him almost effortlessly, that I would feel so anxious about.
So I knew. Some people have been calling it a crush, but I don't think crushes have ever made me try to imagine a future with a person. I'm a little afraid. I've only known how to be honest with others about my thoughts, but I've never learnt how to be completely honest about my feelings. It's an insecurity that's so deeply rooted in me that I've learnt to instinctively protect myself when I'm about to get hurt. That's why the moment I feel even a fraction of attraction to a person, I try to squash it down. But this is different.
Instead of moving away, I want to be closer to him. I feel like I want to get to know him better, get to understand him. I feel like sitting down with him, just to have long chats with him. I feel like, with this person, I want to be honest with my feelings and tell him how I feel. But I am still afraid. I'm unable to read him, and that makes me wonder how to act around him. I sometimes get so self-conscious I wonder if I'm acting unnaturally. I hide my nervousness extremely well, so I appear confident, but I also want him to notice that I'm nervous and a little shy around him. I want him to know that he affects me in ways no other people have in the past. I'm afraid that he doesn't see me more than a friend, afraid that he would stay away from me if I stupidly opened my mouth. Some people say I shouldn't say a ward, some tell me to just be natural. Many say to just go with the flow. I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated over a person before. But I'm afraid...afraid that I would repeat the same mistake I did back then. A mistake that cost me a part of myself. A mistake which took a long time to heal from.
Yet in all my fear, I sometimes would get glimpses of what it would be like to say it. I get the feeling that I want to be honest with him, even if I end up getting hurt in the end. Because I'm afraid of regrets, and I'm afraid of the me in regret. I want to say it to him, yet I can't find the right words to say. I feel like I can't breathe at times, and I feel so confused and lost at such moments. My head understands what's going on, but I can't seem to get my heart to agree. I want to say it to him, but I'm afraid that I don't mean what I say, and I don't want to say things I don't mean to say. I'm afraid that after saying it, the feelings will disappear, go away. That's why I tell other people first. And in my previous experiences, after I get it out there, after the initial high, it's over. I move on. My feelings change.
But not this time. The more I talk to people about it, the more deeply rooted the feeling becomes. The more I come to realise that I want to be his friend, be by his side...be someone that's important to him. And that throws me off guard so badly I don't know what to do with myself. I won't say I know myself 100%, but I thought I had a certain degree of self-awareness. But I didn't see this coming. I didn't expect the impact he would have on me. Now, I feel stuck because I feel compelled to tell him, and I can't hide my concern, I don't exactly want to. Yet I want to wait for him, to see, to gauge how he feels about me, because that way, I feel safer. I feel less exposed to the risk of rejection. Yet I don't know if I can hold it in anymore, because I feel as though it could burst out of my chest anytime soon. Is this really a crush? Do I just do what I always do - wait for time to tell? If I act as my heart tells me, would I regret it?
I thought it would be like that this time too. But I haven't forgotten. It hasn't gone away. Not even when I don't see this person. The way this person invades my thoughts at any time, anywhere, without a moment's notice or a warning, the way I can't stop thinking about him when I start, the way my mind runs away with itself when I think about him. Before this, the feelings I had for others were fleeting. I knew in my head they weren't serious, and I told myself time will wear it all down. And it did.
At first I told myself that. I told myself that maybe, like every other time, this would turn out in the exact same way with all the other times. But I knew...deep down inside, I knew. This time, it felt different. I've never had my thoughts so filled with one person. I've never had a time when, even supposedly doing something that consumes the totality of my attention, this person just simply floats in and steals my focus. I've never had someone made my heart race like this, for so long a time. I've never had someone who did this to me that I didn't want to avoid. I've never had someone who, when I see someone else engaging with him almost effortlessly, that I would feel so anxious about.
So I knew. Some people have been calling it a crush, but I don't think crushes have ever made me try to imagine a future with a person. I'm a little afraid. I've only known how to be honest with others about my thoughts, but I've never learnt how to be completely honest about my feelings. It's an insecurity that's so deeply rooted in me that I've learnt to instinctively protect myself when I'm about to get hurt. That's why the moment I feel even a fraction of attraction to a person, I try to squash it down. But this is different.
Instead of moving away, I want to be closer to him. I feel like I want to get to know him better, get to understand him. I feel like sitting down with him, just to have long chats with him. I feel like, with this person, I want to be honest with my feelings and tell him how I feel. But I am still afraid. I'm unable to read him, and that makes me wonder how to act around him. I sometimes get so self-conscious I wonder if I'm acting unnaturally. I hide my nervousness extremely well, so I appear confident, but I also want him to notice that I'm nervous and a little shy around him. I want him to know that he affects me in ways no other people have in the past. I'm afraid that he doesn't see me more than a friend, afraid that he would stay away from me if I stupidly opened my mouth. Some people say I shouldn't say a ward, some tell me to just be natural. Many say to just go with the flow. I don't think I've ever felt this frustrated over a person before. But I'm afraid...afraid that I would repeat the same mistake I did back then. A mistake that cost me a part of myself. A mistake which took a long time to heal from.
Yet in all my fear, I sometimes would get glimpses of what it would be like to say it. I get the feeling that I want to be honest with him, even if I end up getting hurt in the end. Because I'm afraid of regrets, and I'm afraid of the me in regret. I want to say it to him, yet I can't find the right words to say. I feel like I can't breathe at times, and I feel so confused and lost at such moments. My head understands what's going on, but I can't seem to get my heart to agree. I want to say it to him, but I'm afraid that I don't mean what I say, and I don't want to say things I don't mean to say. I'm afraid that after saying it, the feelings will disappear, go away. That's why I tell other people first. And in my previous experiences, after I get it out there, after the initial high, it's over. I move on. My feelings change.
But not this time. The more I talk to people about it, the more deeply rooted the feeling becomes. The more I come to realise that I want to be his friend, be by his side...be someone that's important to him. And that throws me off guard so badly I don't know what to do with myself. I won't say I know myself 100%, but I thought I had a certain degree of self-awareness. But I didn't see this coming. I didn't expect the impact he would have on me. Now, I feel stuck because I feel compelled to tell him, and I can't hide my concern, I don't exactly want to. Yet I want to wait for him, to see, to gauge how he feels about me, because that way, I feel safer. I feel less exposed to the risk of rejection. Yet I don't know if I can hold it in anymore, because I feel as though it could burst out of my chest anytime soon. Is this really a crush? Do I just do what I always do - wait for time to tell? If I act as my heart tells me, would I regret it?
Thursday, May 02, 2013
Letter to self #6
It's the first letter in 2013. Should I say I'm off to a start? It's a little rumination this time, without a sense of depression, that I suppose makes the difference in this particular letter. I make certain observations about myself most times, but I also do think I'm good at ignoring observations I don't want to see or be aware of. Someone recently asked me, "When reflecting about yourself, what makes you feel restless? Is your real self really that boring?"
I don't think it is, so I tried to go beyond that point where I start to want to wander off. Do things instead of think, instead of ruminate. I noted to myself today that if seasons were temperaments, what would I be? I think a lot of people would say I'm summer-ish. I thought I was summer-ish too. Full of activity and buzz, never quieting down...passionate, but sometimes brash and impulsive. I have a hot temper to boot, though no one seems to believe me.
But the times I really sit down and be with myself, and look into myself, this image isn't the one that comes up. Many people say I'm interesting or funny. I don't think I am. I'm actually quite serious, especially at work. I have certain beliefs and principles I want to uphold, sometimes no matter the cost. I take my work seriously, and I'm hard on myself when I fail to meet expectations, be they my own or others'. Most times, I take others seriously, but not in the humourless way. By seriously, I mean I believe what people say and do. I think this is partly tied to my naiveté. Some people may think it's foolish. Some may tell me it's outright stupid. But I choose to believe and trust others. I don't see how people can gain by tricking or deceiving me (this is excluding dangerous/threatening situations of course) except for the occasional entertainment value. If someone gets a kick from playing tricks on me...well, nothing 'cept my ego is harmed, and well, my ego can take a battering or two. This also means I take their words for more than their face value, so a lot of times, I found myself getting more than slightly pricked when they say certain things regarding my self. After enough pricks, I developed something of a guard regarding people's words, and turn their words into jokes, and bat myself over the head with it. This way, it becomes less of what they say about me than how I poke fun of myself. Since then, I've found that I'm more or less able to take whatever people have to throw at me. Not that a lot of people do that.
A true measure of how serious I originally am (in my head anyway) is in the way I see myself. I know I just said I portrayed myself as a joke sometimes to other people, and I appear positive (I AM positive) in many ways. I do however take myself quite seriously. Whenever I sit down to myself, I find my thoughts wandering to the mistakes I've made, the things I've said or done wrong, or things I thought I could have done better. No, this is not a typical beat-myself-up...rather, in the darkness of it all, I'm more able to find myself. I struggle a lot of course. One's self-esteem isn't exactly made to take regular beatings like this without a scratch. More often than not, I find myself sinking into the negative thoughts faster than I can dig myself up. And yes, it has filled me with doubt, despair...sometimes an intense dislike for myself. And yes, there are times where I wondered if a more useless or pathetic person could ever exist. I ponder about the things I say, wondering if I really meant to say them (most of the time, I do, simply on the basis I can't process my thoughts fast enough to lie). I often joke a lot, but I do it seriously, often slipping real feelings and thoughts into the jokes. I have a lot of fun, but I do it seriously, in the sense that I make sure nothing is interfering with my fun time. In a lot of ways, I do everything at 100% if I can help it.
So when I ponder about myself, many times, I started seeing myself in a light I didn't like. The parts I didn't want to admit to, fears I didn't want to say existed, insecurities I tried to ignore. I brush them aside, turn away from myself and look outwards. When I do that, I can run away from myself. By immersing myself with other people, I can look away from inside of me. I can take a lot of hurt, but it isn't because I'm strong. I think I take a lot of hurt, because sometimes I feel that I'm not that much of a worthwhile person, so taking some hurt shouldn't matter as much to me. It's a distorted way of thinking about oneself, yes...and I was made to realise it. Remember that time when someone told me "You really don't like yourself, do you?"? That was a real eye-opener.
It made me think deeply. I ask myself over and over again, "What do I really want?" While I haven't been able to separate thinking for others from thinking about my own needs, I like to think that there is a slight difference now. I used to be afraid of what people say about me. I think I still am. I used to really, really want people to like me. I still do, of course. It's only natural. But I've started thinking less about how to carry myself and just...carry myself, if that explains anything.
When I'm with people, I act like an overcharged battery. I'm bursting with energy and excitement and laughter. For some people, it's energising. For some people, as I so readily know, it can be terribly exhausting. It's a little complicated, but inherently, I try to avoid being alone, because a part of me is afraid that when I am alone, I would become the total opposite - sad, depressed, without energy or passion for anything. But certain circumstances in the last few months have forced me to be alone, or moved me away from surrounding myself with external sources of energy. And I had to look inside. A little digression at this point. Have you had the feeling that looking at the moon gives you this strange, sad feeling, but at the same time, it's very beautiful and serene? I get that every time I look at the moon. Like the autumn season, the moon has a special meaning to me, because every time I look up and stare at the moon, a very specific feeling wells up in me. It's a feeling of wonder, and beauty and mystery...but there is also a little solitude and sublime sadness. I get a sense of emptiness when I stare at the moon, but I also feel very content with that emptiness. When I look at the moon, I sometimes get the feeling that I am alone, but I feel all right to be alone in that moment.
Lately, when I look inside, I see the moon inside. I can see the parts of me that make me miserable, that make me sad, and make me want to run away. Then I stop, and I think about the moon. What is it about myself that makes me miserable and sad? What don't I like about myself? Why can't I be content with that part of myself? I've started asking those questions...and to my surprise, I sometimes find that I can actually be content with having certain parts of myself. I know that certain parts of myself fill me with a sense of solitude, perhaps even a little emptiness...but there are times I am able to accept that solitude. I've come to be able to admit to myself that yes, I feel lonely, and it's all right to feel lonely. I've come to be able to say to myself that I don't like this person, or I was really hurt by something that was said or done to me in the past. It doesn't always work, and I usually feel bad the first few times I try. But I've been practicing, so here's to hoping for a deeper self-reflection.
So really, at my core, I really do think I'm more autumn, because the point where I feel most connected to myself is when I sink into the growing darkness. It's at that time, when I feel the creeping cold, that I feel most deeply, spiritually connected with who I am, and I find that with every step I take into the darkness, the closer I move to the light of who I am. I am at my most contemplative, most vulnerable...and I have the most potential for transformation in those moments, to find ways to better understand myself, and be a better person. I have my fair share of trial by fire, and I do think I do quite well in those trials, but I think I forget that there are different kinds of trials, and these moments of lingering between the light and the dark are important reminders of the things I have yet to face within.
I don't think it is, so I tried to go beyond that point where I start to want to wander off. Do things instead of think, instead of ruminate. I noted to myself today that if seasons were temperaments, what would I be? I think a lot of people would say I'm summer-ish. I thought I was summer-ish too. Full of activity and buzz, never quieting down...passionate, but sometimes brash and impulsive. I have a hot temper to boot, though no one seems to believe me.
But the times I really sit down and be with myself, and look into myself, this image isn't the one that comes up. Many people say I'm interesting or funny. I don't think I am. I'm actually quite serious, especially at work. I have certain beliefs and principles I want to uphold, sometimes no matter the cost. I take my work seriously, and I'm hard on myself when I fail to meet expectations, be they my own or others'. Most times, I take others seriously, but not in the humourless way. By seriously, I mean I believe what people say and do. I think this is partly tied to my naiveté. Some people may think it's foolish. Some may tell me it's outright stupid. But I choose to believe and trust others. I don't see how people can gain by tricking or deceiving me (this is excluding dangerous/threatening situations of course) except for the occasional entertainment value. If someone gets a kick from playing tricks on me...well, nothing 'cept my ego is harmed, and well, my ego can take a battering or two. This also means I take their words for more than their face value, so a lot of times, I found myself getting more than slightly pricked when they say certain things regarding my self. After enough pricks, I developed something of a guard regarding people's words, and turn their words into jokes, and bat myself over the head with it. This way, it becomes less of what they say about me than how I poke fun of myself. Since then, I've found that I'm more or less able to take whatever people have to throw at me. Not that a lot of people do that.
A true measure of how serious I originally am (in my head anyway) is in the way I see myself. I know I just said I portrayed myself as a joke sometimes to other people, and I appear positive (I AM positive) in many ways. I do however take myself quite seriously. Whenever I sit down to myself, I find my thoughts wandering to the mistakes I've made, the things I've said or done wrong, or things I thought I could have done better. No, this is not a typical beat-myself-up...rather, in the darkness of it all, I'm more able to find myself. I struggle a lot of course. One's self-esteem isn't exactly made to take regular beatings like this without a scratch. More often than not, I find myself sinking into the negative thoughts faster than I can dig myself up. And yes, it has filled me with doubt, despair...sometimes an intense dislike for myself. And yes, there are times where I wondered if a more useless or pathetic person could ever exist. I ponder about the things I say, wondering if I really meant to say them (most of the time, I do, simply on the basis I can't process my thoughts fast enough to lie). I often joke a lot, but I do it seriously, often slipping real feelings and thoughts into the jokes. I have a lot of fun, but I do it seriously, in the sense that I make sure nothing is interfering with my fun time. In a lot of ways, I do everything at 100% if I can help it.
So when I ponder about myself, many times, I started seeing myself in a light I didn't like. The parts I didn't want to admit to, fears I didn't want to say existed, insecurities I tried to ignore. I brush them aside, turn away from myself and look outwards. When I do that, I can run away from myself. By immersing myself with other people, I can look away from inside of me. I can take a lot of hurt, but it isn't because I'm strong. I think I take a lot of hurt, because sometimes I feel that I'm not that much of a worthwhile person, so taking some hurt shouldn't matter as much to me. It's a distorted way of thinking about oneself, yes...and I was made to realise it. Remember that time when someone told me "You really don't like yourself, do you?"? That was a real eye-opener.
It made me think deeply. I ask myself over and over again, "What do I really want?" While I haven't been able to separate thinking for others from thinking about my own needs, I like to think that there is a slight difference now. I used to be afraid of what people say about me. I think I still am. I used to really, really want people to like me. I still do, of course. It's only natural. But I've started thinking less about how to carry myself and just...carry myself, if that explains anything.
When I'm with people, I act like an overcharged battery. I'm bursting with energy and excitement and laughter. For some people, it's energising. For some people, as I so readily know, it can be terribly exhausting. It's a little complicated, but inherently, I try to avoid being alone, because a part of me is afraid that when I am alone, I would become the total opposite - sad, depressed, without energy or passion for anything. But certain circumstances in the last few months have forced me to be alone, or moved me away from surrounding myself with external sources of energy. And I had to look inside. A little digression at this point. Have you had the feeling that looking at the moon gives you this strange, sad feeling, but at the same time, it's very beautiful and serene? I get that every time I look at the moon. Like the autumn season, the moon has a special meaning to me, because every time I look up and stare at the moon, a very specific feeling wells up in me. It's a feeling of wonder, and beauty and mystery...but there is also a little solitude and sublime sadness. I get a sense of emptiness when I stare at the moon, but I also feel very content with that emptiness. When I look at the moon, I sometimes get the feeling that I am alone, but I feel all right to be alone in that moment.
Lately, when I look inside, I see the moon inside. I can see the parts of me that make me miserable, that make me sad, and make me want to run away. Then I stop, and I think about the moon. What is it about myself that makes me miserable and sad? What don't I like about myself? Why can't I be content with that part of myself? I've started asking those questions...and to my surprise, I sometimes find that I can actually be content with having certain parts of myself. I know that certain parts of myself fill me with a sense of solitude, perhaps even a little emptiness...but there are times I am able to accept that solitude. I've come to be able to admit to myself that yes, I feel lonely, and it's all right to feel lonely. I've come to be able to say to myself that I don't like this person, or I was really hurt by something that was said or done to me in the past. It doesn't always work, and I usually feel bad the first few times I try. But I've been practicing, so here's to hoping for a deeper self-reflection.
So really, at my core, I really do think I'm more autumn, because the point where I feel most connected to myself is when I sink into the growing darkness. It's at that time, when I feel the creeping cold, that I feel most deeply, spiritually connected with who I am, and I find that with every step I take into the darkness, the closer I move to the light of who I am. I am at my most contemplative, most vulnerable...and I have the most potential for transformation in those moments, to find ways to better understand myself, and be a better person. I have my fair share of trial by fire, and I do think I do quite well in those trials, but I think I forget that there are different kinds of trials, and these moments of lingering between the light and the dark are important reminders of the things I have yet to face within.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Letter to self #5?
Someone just told me today that we should stop being friends. Well, said person didn't actually say that, but the words were to that effect. I didn't react at that time...not sure why, but there was no sudden gush of feelings, no "Why? Did something (meaning something I did) happen?", no weird squirmy feeling in my gut. All I said was "I suppose some things are like that." and left it at that. My current emotion-radar has no blip on it, and I'm not sure it's a good thing or bad. Seeing that I've always depended on my emotional compass to dictate my reactions, a non-reaction basically entailed...well, no reaction.
Maybe it's because I've been seeing the signs and have been steeling against them. If I ask myself, "Am I surprised?", I don't think I am (on the basis that surprise would evoke strong emotional reactions in me, to which there were none). Perhaps I've seen it coming all along, and the recent episodes didn't really help. Maybe it's because I, too, share the sentiment that the relationship might be better off if we stopped sharing a closer relationship. I'm not sure about that...it defies my personal logic. But if I stop and think about it, maybe it's what the other person is comfortable with, and if that's what the person wants, who am I to stop them from having it? But wait, that's falling back into my usual pattern of putting others before myself, and right now, the issue I'm having is with the non-reactivity of my usual self.
Perhaps it's the idea that just because the other person said so, I don't necessarily feel that it affects me, because, well...I don't have to change my own behaviour do I? While the other person wants to not be friends, I don't technically have to not be friends with the person. I can still technically treat that person the way I would treat a friend, with maybe a little bit more restraint. So the lack of emotional reaction might be an actual situation where I feel that I can still make a decision on my part to not change the way I view the relationship, but I modify the way I treat the person, just enough to make them comfortable. But would that be disrespectful to the other party? If I choose to be adamant about this and be a bit self-centered, would that be annoying and well, rude to the other party? I'm afraid that it might make the other party uncomfortable (not in the actual sense of the word; rather, I have more concern rather actual fear that it would be a bother. Again, I'm puzzled at the muted emotions).
There's also a possibility that I actually do feel some form of negative emotion over this, but I'm subconsciously locking it out. That I do not overtly express it is something I didn't expect from my usual self, but it is not unlikely that I am running away from what I feel. It's strange...one of my close friends just told me that we should stop being friends, and the only thing that's on my mind now is to figure out how I actually feel about this. Huh...I wonder what this means...
Should I ruminate on this until I figure it out? Ah, but I might end up talking myself into something else...that's been the pattern so far. Perhaps I should leave it as it is until I have more insight...
Maybe it's because I've been seeing the signs and have been steeling against them. If I ask myself, "Am I surprised?", I don't think I am (on the basis that surprise would evoke strong emotional reactions in me, to which there were none). Perhaps I've seen it coming all along, and the recent episodes didn't really help. Maybe it's because I, too, share the sentiment that the relationship might be better off if we stopped sharing a closer relationship. I'm not sure about that...it defies my personal logic. But if I stop and think about it, maybe it's what the other person is comfortable with, and if that's what the person wants, who am I to stop them from having it? But wait, that's falling back into my usual pattern of putting others before myself, and right now, the issue I'm having is with the non-reactivity of my usual self.
Perhaps it's the idea that just because the other person said so, I don't necessarily feel that it affects me, because, well...I don't have to change my own behaviour do I? While the other person wants to not be friends, I don't technically have to not be friends with the person. I can still technically treat that person the way I would treat a friend, with maybe a little bit more restraint. So the lack of emotional reaction might be an actual situation where I feel that I can still make a decision on my part to not change the way I view the relationship, but I modify the way I treat the person, just enough to make them comfortable. But would that be disrespectful to the other party? If I choose to be adamant about this and be a bit self-centered, would that be annoying and well, rude to the other party? I'm afraid that it might make the other party uncomfortable (not in the actual sense of the word; rather, I have more concern rather actual fear that it would be a bother. Again, I'm puzzled at the muted emotions).
There's also a possibility that I actually do feel some form of negative emotion over this, but I'm subconsciously locking it out. That I do not overtly express it is something I didn't expect from my usual self, but it is not unlikely that I am running away from what I feel. It's strange...one of my close friends just told me that we should stop being friends, and the only thing that's on my mind now is to figure out how I actually feel about this. Huh...I wonder what this means...
Should I ruminate on this until I figure it out? Ah, but I might end up talking myself into something else...that's been the pattern so far. Perhaps I should leave it as it is until I have more insight...
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
...
Who exactly am I?
When I stepped out of my house door today, I didn't expect that I would be going home, asking myself this question. It's the first...in fact, the only time, anyone has gone on to ask me "What do you really want?"
It's the first time anyone has ever asked me why I've never thought of being responsible for myself. It's the first time anyone has told me something I've always suspected about myself: that I run around caring about other people because it's so much more difficult to uncover who I am.
It's also the first time I told someone for once, without skirting the issue, that I was indeed afraid of what could happen...that I was uncertain about a lot of things because I've never picked that option...and while I didn't say it, I also admitted to myself that it makes me very insecure, because to do that, I would need to admit that I don't know who I am, and that makes me more frightened than anything.
It's also the first time I told someone, with much difficulty, that I simply don't know how to think for myself. I really don't know...how do I tell what I want from what other people want of me? How do I tell the difference when for so many years, it's been one and the same? How do you change the way you think from "How do I make it so that more people will benefit from this, never mind myself?" to "What do I really want from this?"? How do you stop and think about a situation, and just don't care about the rest of the world, and pick an option that you want? How do you do something like that without caring about what kind of impact it'll have on your surroundings?
It's really scary, you know, when you don't know what kind of person you'd become if you listened to and acted out on the actual feelings or thoughts. I could hurt a lot of people. I could end up becoming someone I wouldn't like. I could do things that will make people hate me. All those things frighten me in a way that is really beyond my comprehension.
But after all the things that's been said...I think it's high time I stop running away and fight this battle head on. If I continue on this path, I'll regret it one day...and I don't think it'll be a great way to spend the rest of my life. So it's gonna be a thorny and rocky path...I'll probably bruise and cut myself along the way...I might get tangled in the vines, I might get lost a lot along the way...and there will definitely be times I'll want to turn back. But hey...you never know till you try right? So what the hell, let's just take one step down this path and see where it leads me.
When I stepped out of my house door today, I didn't expect that I would be going home, asking myself this question. It's the first...in fact, the only time, anyone has gone on to ask me "What do you really want?"
It's the first time anyone has ever asked me why I've never thought of being responsible for myself. It's the first time anyone has told me something I've always suspected about myself: that I run around caring about other people because it's so much more difficult to uncover who I am.
It's also the first time I told someone for once, without skirting the issue, that I was indeed afraid of what could happen...that I was uncertain about a lot of things because I've never picked that option...and while I didn't say it, I also admitted to myself that it makes me very insecure, because to do that, I would need to admit that I don't know who I am, and that makes me more frightened than anything.
It's also the first time I told someone, with much difficulty, that I simply don't know how to think for myself. I really don't know...how do I tell what I want from what other people want of me? How do I tell the difference when for so many years, it's been one and the same? How do you change the way you think from "How do I make it so that more people will benefit from this, never mind myself?" to "What do I really want from this?"? How do you stop and think about a situation, and just don't care about the rest of the world, and pick an option that you want? How do you do something like that without caring about what kind of impact it'll have on your surroundings?
It's really scary, you know, when you don't know what kind of person you'd become if you listened to and acted out on the actual feelings or thoughts. I could hurt a lot of people. I could end up becoming someone I wouldn't like. I could do things that will make people hate me. All those things frighten me in a way that is really beyond my comprehension.
But after all the things that's been said...I think it's high time I stop running away and fight this battle head on. If I continue on this path, I'll regret it one day...and I don't think it'll be a great way to spend the rest of my life. So it's gonna be a thorny and rocky path...I'll probably bruise and cut myself along the way...I might get tangled in the vines, I might get lost a lot along the way...and there will definitely be times I'll want to turn back. But hey...you never know till you try right? So what the hell, let's just take one step down this path and see where it leads me.
Saturday, April 07, 2012
A little reflection on life...
I've had a lot to think about lately...Good things, bad things, infuriating things, exciting things... A lot had been on my mind. Even in a period where my mind would supposedly be occupied with abstract thoughts and menial tasks and details most needed, it has taken a turn down to a path less beaten.
I'm not one to use my free time to think about life or philosophy or great things like that. When I have time, I do work, or indulge my hobbies (which, whether fortunate or not, are not always in the thinking department) or go around finding stuff to do. The point is: I do.
But in the past month or so, in the rush of doing, I've somehow did more thinking. It may not be a grand thing, but the things which happened, the people I've met and the things I've done (or taken upon myself to do) had triggered some change in the way I perceive things. I'm not always objective, though goodness knows I try and fail. I'm not profound, I'm not talented and I'm hardly extraordinary. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and attempt to chew it anyway, sometimes at the cost of my own. I can be really nosy and when I want to be, really bossy. I try to do good deeds and avoid the not-so-good ones.
No matter how you look at me, I'm about as ordinary as ordinary come by. Yet, I've always been surrounded by people whom I thought were talented, profound, extraordinary, excellent and extremely able. It's a strange, wondrous feeling, to be friends with people who has qualities you admire. While I've never been overly concerned about it, I know (theoretically) that it can be vexing at times. Sometimes, I wonder to myself, do I ever feel jealous? Is there not even a shred of envy? Hmmm...not really. I don't really understand the concept of envy, but if it's supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, then what I'm feeling is certainly not envy. No...the people around me make me want to better myself. Perhaps admiration is a better word...and maybe impressed. Because, at the end of the day, I may say to myself "I wish I could do that" but I can't miss what I've never had. I might think that, "Wow! That was awesome!" but I've never thought about why I never had that. I might fantasize about how to get there and what might happen along the way, but then again, I prefer daydreaming to actually finding a way to get there.
I'm starting to think that there are small, important things in life, which if you can choose to do well, is just as good as big, important things in life. I mean...I've started asking myself...what really makes me feel good? My achievements? My relationships? The things I have? The dreams I possess and the goals I aspire towards? My belief or stand over things?
I used to think it was important...I still think they are, but looking back now, the times where I felt the happiest were when I was with people whom I loved and cared deeply about. The family dinners, the hang-out sessions, the conversations I have with my friends...nothing fills me with greater joy. I'll admit that emptiness still eats at me at times because I haven't found a direction in my life, but spending time with people who matter helps me get my inner compass realigned. I know I get distracted at times, but sometimes, life needs a little detour.
And the times when I felt most good with myself? It was when I did seemingly small things for others. The time I accompanied an elderly lady to MV when all she did was ask me for directions, the times I walked past someone who dropped something and gave it back to them, the time I paid someone a compliment, the times when I sat down and listened to someone, and the times I looked someone in the eye and told them honestly, that I thought they did a great job, and saw the way they reacted...these moments warmed me up from inside out, and always left me with a good mood for the rest of the day.
Doing all these things gives me this high unlike anything, and I know for a fact that I did those things because I wanted to. It gets me into a fair spot of trouble when, say, I end up taking care of others' troubles instead of my own. And yes, I've been in that spot time and time again. And yes, I've been exhausted before because I was giving much of myself away. But do I regret doing those things? No. I might've been in a pinch because I wasn't good at learning how to differentiate when I'm in over my head, but I've never regretted a single moment of it. I guess I just need to learn to adjust myself. And maybe learn to recognise when I need to ask for help.
I think, things have become a little simpler for me. I've tried to live in slightly more complicated ways...I thought that doing more things was a way to achieve more, and perhaps, I was doing more to find a way to fill up that gap in me. I've thought that there should be a clear picture at the end, and that I should do my best to clear the things which were clouding it up. But perhaps, it's time I slow down and do things which are just...meaningful to me, and the people around me. I'm really ordinary, yes...but I think, at this point, all I want is for the people around me to find their happiness...I might still have a fuzzy picture ahead of me, but I think it's about time I stop worrying over the fact that I can't focus my lens and think about the immediate and not-too-distant things. And who knows, if I still can't "unfuzzify" my picture at the end of this, it might signal a time for me to learn to paint a new one.
I'm not one to use my free time to think about life or philosophy or great things like that. When I have time, I do work, or indulge my hobbies (which, whether fortunate or not, are not always in the thinking department) or go around finding stuff to do. The point is: I do.
But in the past month or so, in the rush of doing, I've somehow did more thinking. It may not be a grand thing, but the things which happened, the people I've met and the things I've done (or taken upon myself to do) had triggered some change in the way I perceive things. I'm not always objective, though goodness knows I try and fail. I'm not profound, I'm not talented and I'm hardly extraordinary. I tend to bite off more than I can chew and attempt to chew it anyway, sometimes at the cost of my own. I can be really nosy and when I want to be, really bossy. I try to do good deeds and avoid the not-so-good ones.
No matter how you look at me, I'm about as ordinary as ordinary come by. Yet, I've always been surrounded by people whom I thought were talented, profound, extraordinary, excellent and extremely able. It's a strange, wondrous feeling, to be friends with people who has qualities you admire. While I've never been overly concerned about it, I know (theoretically) that it can be vexing at times. Sometimes, I wonder to myself, do I ever feel jealous? Is there not even a shred of envy? Hmmm...not really. I don't really understand the concept of envy, but if it's supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, then what I'm feeling is certainly not envy. No...the people around me make me want to better myself. Perhaps admiration is a better word...and maybe impressed. Because, at the end of the day, I may say to myself "I wish I could do that" but I can't miss what I've never had. I might think that, "Wow! That was awesome!" but I've never thought about why I never had that. I might fantasize about how to get there and what might happen along the way, but then again, I prefer daydreaming to actually finding a way to get there.
I'm starting to think that there are small, important things in life, which if you can choose to do well, is just as good as big, important things in life. I mean...I've started asking myself...what really makes me feel good? My achievements? My relationships? The things I have? The dreams I possess and the goals I aspire towards? My belief or stand over things?
I used to think it was important...I still think they are, but looking back now, the times where I felt the happiest were when I was with people whom I loved and cared deeply about. The family dinners, the hang-out sessions, the conversations I have with my friends...nothing fills me with greater joy. I'll admit that emptiness still eats at me at times because I haven't found a direction in my life, but spending time with people who matter helps me get my inner compass realigned. I know I get distracted at times, but sometimes, life needs a little detour.
And the times when I felt most good with myself? It was when I did seemingly small things for others. The time I accompanied an elderly lady to MV when all she did was ask me for directions, the times I walked past someone who dropped something and gave it back to them, the time I paid someone a compliment, the times when I sat down and listened to someone, and the times I looked someone in the eye and told them honestly, that I thought they did a great job, and saw the way they reacted...these moments warmed me up from inside out, and always left me with a good mood for the rest of the day.
Doing all these things gives me this high unlike anything, and I know for a fact that I did those things because I wanted to. It gets me into a fair spot of trouble when, say, I end up taking care of others' troubles instead of my own. And yes, I've been in that spot time and time again. And yes, I've been exhausted before because I was giving much of myself away. But do I regret doing those things? No. I might've been in a pinch because I wasn't good at learning how to differentiate when I'm in over my head, but I've never regretted a single moment of it. I guess I just need to learn to adjust myself. And maybe learn to recognise when I need to ask for help.
I think, things have become a little simpler for me. I've tried to live in slightly more complicated ways...I thought that doing more things was a way to achieve more, and perhaps, I was doing more to find a way to fill up that gap in me. I've thought that there should be a clear picture at the end, and that I should do my best to clear the things which were clouding it up. But perhaps, it's time I slow down and do things which are just...meaningful to me, and the people around me. I'm really ordinary, yes...but I think, at this point, all I want is for the people around me to find their happiness...I might still have a fuzzy picture ahead of me, but I think it's about time I stop worrying over the fact that I can't focus my lens and think about the immediate and not-too-distant things. And who knows, if I still can't "unfuzzify" my picture at the end of this, it might signal a time for me to learn to paint a new one.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The end of the world?
Today, I dreamt about the end of the world. I think.
I don't remember the beginning of the dream, but I remember living next to the ocean, in a beautiful grassy valley. Then, one day, a great Titan who looked like it was made of of lava rose from the sea and a wave of liquid fire swept across the valley. And so I ran, with the one companion I had left, to the other parts of the world (which was partitioned like rooms in a rumah panjang for some reason, and I've never even been to a real rumah panjang!) warning people about the coming disaster (and yes, when I turned around to look back, the wave of lava was catching up).
Many people didn't really believe me, but I went on and on to warn everyone else until I reached the end of the world, where I saw one of our ex-PMs, at which point I just burst into tears. Weird much?
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
...
I hate it when people say "Don't be afraid of showing your true self". Because people only want to see what they want to see. I hate it when they tell you, "You can share your problems or feelings with me" and then say "I can't stand it when there's too much emotion."
I also hate it when they prepare to say something hurtful, in relation to your person, and then say "Nothing personal, okay?" because it is f**king personal. I hate it when they say something like that and expect you to suck it up and take it objectively like an unfeeling machine. I don't know about you, but I'm a feeling, bleeding human being. How would you like it if I told you "I'm gonna stick a knife in you, but can you pretend it doesn't hurt?" That's how it's like for me when you say these things.
People say to me "I can't relax when there's too much emotion" or "But it is negative". I wanna say it back to them, "How do you know it's negative?" Can you differentiate me when I'm in a neutral mood vs a bad mood? Can you tell it when I'm venting because I'm seriously venting vs when I just want to bitch about something sarcastically? You tell me "I don't like it when you assume a lot of things about me." Well, I don't like it either that you automatically take my silent spells for negative moods. So now I can't even be quiet without appearing pissy?
If I were any braver, or less feeling, I'd tell you exactly how I feel, but it's to my greatest misfortune that I am more afraid of hurting my close friends than I am myself. So when you tell me you're gonna stick a knife in me, instead of taking it and sticking it back in you like I so want to, I suck up it and pretend it doesn't hurt. It's not fair, but it's how it is, isn't it? If at this point, you say "But you can always just be open", I'll slap you and say "Bullshit", because me being open and expressive is me being emotional (especially all the negative ones) and you can 't stand emotions no? So it's tantamount to saying, "You're screwed if you do, screwed if you don't".
I'm gonna be petty now and say, there were so many things I'm not comfortable with about your person. Just a few would be "Why are you always late?" "How can you be such a rock?" "I don't like it when you say stuff like 'Chill' when you don't know if I'm chilling". But did I ever tell you? Hell no. Why? Coz I don't want to hurt you, whom I regard a friend. Screwed up isn't it? But hey, you're sending mixed signals over here. What do you expect me to do? Oh, and even if I do suck it up and you know, lessen the "emotions", do you know what that's like for me? I can't stop feeling you know, unless you kill me and replace me with a talking robot. I'm not like you, who can detach yourself from things and go, "That's nothing to do with me, why would I give a damn?" But then you go around being all upset about some stuff that for me, it really doesn't matter! So why are you feeling so hung up about it? You talk about how everyone should have and respect each other's rights to their own opinion, but you're not respecting my right to express myself. You think it's tiring to be emotional about things, but you talk about it as though you know for sure emotions are tiring. Are you sure it's not because you're not used to having all those emotions? I can't help it when I feel something, but I can certainly not express it. But the emotions have to go somewhere right? You want me to just suppress all of that just so you can have a relaxing work environment? What about me? Can you exude more emotions so I can have a more relaxing work environment?
You ask me "Why didn't you ask why I was moody?" Because the last time I f**king asked, I got told that you want your own space. So I was just trying to be respectful. Stop sending me mixed messages! What is wrong with you? I can't read your mind! And I have my own feelings too! Just because I care a lot about you and don't want to hurt your feelings, I don't appreciate being taken for granted and you expect me to understand your feelings and do something accordingly. But you know what's sad? It's the fact that I can never tell you all these, because I'm afraid of accidentally hurting or offending you. That just sucks, but I don't think you would understand.
I also hate it when they prepare to say something hurtful, in relation to your person, and then say "Nothing personal, okay?" because it is f**king personal. I hate it when they say something like that and expect you to suck it up and take it objectively like an unfeeling machine. I don't know about you, but I'm a feeling, bleeding human being. How would you like it if I told you "I'm gonna stick a knife in you, but can you pretend it doesn't hurt?" That's how it's like for me when you say these things.
People say to me "I can't relax when there's too much emotion" or "But it is negative". I wanna say it back to them, "How do you know it's negative?" Can you differentiate me when I'm in a neutral mood vs a bad mood? Can you tell it when I'm venting because I'm seriously venting vs when I just want to bitch about something sarcastically? You tell me "I don't like it when you assume a lot of things about me." Well, I don't like it either that you automatically take my silent spells for negative moods. So now I can't even be quiet without appearing pissy?
If I were any braver, or less feeling, I'd tell you exactly how I feel, but it's to my greatest misfortune that I am more afraid of hurting my close friends than I am myself. So when you tell me you're gonna stick a knife in me, instead of taking it and sticking it back in you like I so want to, I suck up it and pretend it doesn't hurt. It's not fair, but it's how it is, isn't it? If at this point, you say "But you can always just be open", I'll slap you and say "Bullshit", because me being open and expressive is me being emotional (especially all the negative ones) and you can 't stand emotions no? So it's tantamount to saying, "You're screwed if you do, screwed if you don't".
I'm gonna be petty now and say, there were so many things I'm not comfortable with about your person. Just a few would be "Why are you always late?" "How can you be such a rock?" "I don't like it when you say stuff like 'Chill' when you don't know if I'm chilling". But did I ever tell you? Hell no. Why? Coz I don't want to hurt you, whom I regard a friend. Screwed up isn't it? But hey, you're sending mixed signals over here. What do you expect me to do? Oh, and even if I do suck it up and you know, lessen the "emotions", do you know what that's like for me? I can't stop feeling you know, unless you kill me and replace me with a talking robot. I'm not like you, who can detach yourself from things and go, "That's nothing to do with me, why would I give a damn?" But then you go around being all upset about some stuff that for me, it really doesn't matter! So why are you feeling so hung up about it? You talk about how everyone should have and respect each other's rights to their own opinion, but you're not respecting my right to express myself. You think it's tiring to be emotional about things, but you talk about it as though you know for sure emotions are tiring. Are you sure it's not because you're not used to having all those emotions? I can't help it when I feel something, but I can certainly not express it. But the emotions have to go somewhere right? You want me to just suppress all of that just so you can have a relaxing work environment? What about me? Can you exude more emotions so I can have a more relaxing work environment?
You ask me "Why didn't you ask why I was moody?" Because the last time I f**king asked, I got told that you want your own space. So I was just trying to be respectful. Stop sending me mixed messages! What is wrong with you? I can't read your mind! And I have my own feelings too! Just because I care a lot about you and don't want to hurt your feelings, I don't appreciate being taken for granted and you expect me to understand your feelings and do something accordingly. But you know what's sad? It's the fact that I can never tell you all these, because I'm afraid of accidentally hurting or offending you. That just sucks, but I don't think you would understand.
Thursday, August 04, 2011
Clean up after yourself
Moving is stressful. It's also highly irritating. Especially when lots of the trash in the place does not belong to me, but I have to clean it up. I don't care. I'm not doing it. I don't think it's fair that I have to take out energy to do someone else's work when the person(s) who are supposed to clean up is just "too busy" or think that we have to do it because it was our space. Unfair, unjust, and lots of bull. So don't expect me to clean up after you.
Friday, July 08, 2011
...
If you had to choose between being a person of exceptional talent, but possibly may never be content with life and a typical person of no extraordinary ability but will be content with life, which would you choose?
It's not so much a life decision as it is a driving force behind the paths I could take. From a young age, my parents have pushed me on to a path that could have potentially brought me to becoming someone exceptional. Of course, I meant this in terms of academic excellence. But I also had many opportunities presented to me in the early years. Yet in their pursuit of making me someone exceptional with academics, they took it upon themselves to close all the other doors along the way, effectively barricading all the paths less travelled by. In all other aspects, they insisted on teaching me a life of simplicity, where I can learn to be content with being unremarkable in other areas of my life, as long as I had that one goal, that one destination for which I am headed to.
And then I grew up. I know the simplicities in life, and I know what it means to be content with the little joys. But the premature closing of all the other doors have left its unmistakable print along the path I have thus walked. The way of life made known to me since I was a child encouraged for me to be a typical person, that I should not aspire too loftily, that it was all right to aim at just a little beyond eye level. That I should not focus on other things, or that I was unremarkable in anything else but studies, was a good thing. It was a sign of concentration...plainly put, I've been invested in the one area of which I know I will be able to do well in. But the words of parents are never as their actions, and behind the unspoken rule of "no extremes" in lifestyle, they threw in a strong, resounding message to be different, to be unique, to be "of excellence and of value".
So how was I to reconcile wanting to be typical and to be exceptional at the same time? How was I to know, that their constant whisperings have long planted in me a deeply rooted need to want to be apart from the rest, to stand above the population, to be recognized in a way that no one else can? How was I to know, that at the same time, I was to strive to maintain a clear balance of not aiming too highly for its sheer unrealistic risks? What they have done, they did it for me. They advised me the best they know how, from what they best know about me. But what they never realized is that by closing those doors, I have long lost the opportunity to travel the other paths. I resigned myself to the fact that I was too far gone on this path to turn back, but sometimes, I get a glimpse of the scenery on the other side, and I come to a temporary standstill, wavering as I look at the weather-worn signboards.
It's not so much a life decision as it is a driving force behind the paths I could take. From a young age, my parents have pushed me on to a path that could have potentially brought me to becoming someone exceptional. Of course, I meant this in terms of academic excellence. But I also had many opportunities presented to me in the early years. Yet in their pursuit of making me someone exceptional with academics, they took it upon themselves to close all the other doors along the way, effectively barricading all the paths less travelled by. In all other aspects, they insisted on teaching me a life of simplicity, where I can learn to be content with being unremarkable in other areas of my life, as long as I had that one goal, that one destination for which I am headed to.
And then I grew up. I know the simplicities in life, and I know what it means to be content with the little joys. But the premature closing of all the other doors have left its unmistakable print along the path I have thus walked. The way of life made known to me since I was a child encouraged for me to be a typical person, that I should not aspire too loftily, that it was all right to aim at just a little beyond eye level. That I should not focus on other things, or that I was unremarkable in anything else but studies, was a good thing. It was a sign of concentration...plainly put, I've been invested in the one area of which I know I will be able to do well in. But the words of parents are never as their actions, and behind the unspoken rule of "no extremes" in lifestyle, they threw in a strong, resounding message to be different, to be unique, to be "of excellence and of value".
So how was I to reconcile wanting to be typical and to be exceptional at the same time? How was I to know, that their constant whisperings have long planted in me a deeply rooted need to want to be apart from the rest, to stand above the population, to be recognized in a way that no one else can? How was I to know, that at the same time, I was to strive to maintain a clear balance of not aiming too highly for its sheer unrealistic risks? What they have done, they did it for me. They advised me the best they know how, from what they best know about me. But what they never realized is that by closing those doors, I have long lost the opportunity to travel the other paths. I resigned myself to the fact that I was too far gone on this path to turn back, but sometimes, I get a glimpse of the scenery on the other side, and I come to a temporary standstill, wavering as I look at the weather-worn signboards.
Thursday, July 07, 2011
好き？
最近好きな人がいると思う。まぁ。。。そう言ってるけど、実に好きかどうか分からないけどね。あの人に惹かれてるのは確かだ。。。でも本当に好きかどうか考えると。。。まだ分からない。
ただ、一緒にいるのが楽しい。一緒に色々するのが好き。この気持ちは。。。いろんな気持ちや思いが混ざっている。憧れや友情や。。。そう。。。もしかして、恋愛感情が混ざってるかもしれない。でも、これは恋かただの憧れか？ハハ。。。考えてるだけでドキドキするな。。。
フゥン。。。好き。。かな？あの人は知らないと思う。。。でも、まぁ、私がバレバレかもしれない可能性もあるから、気づいてるかもしれない。でも別にあの人に知られているのが怖いとかわけじゃない。この気持ちは嫌いじゃないよ。ちょっぴり緊張で、ドキドキで、知られてなくても、知られていても、今を味わって、楽しく過ごせばいい。
ただ、一緒にいるのが楽しい。一緒に色々するのが好き。この気持ちは。。。いろんな気持ちや思いが混ざっている。憧れや友情や。。。そう。。。もしかして、恋愛感情が混ざってるかもしれない。でも、これは恋かただの憧れか？ハハ。。。考えてるだけでドキドキするな。。。
フゥン。。。好き。。かな？あの人は知らないと思う。。。でも、まぁ、私がバレバレかもしれない可能性もあるから、気づいてるかもしれない。でも別にあの人に知られているのが怖いとかわけじゃない。この気持ちは嫌いじゃないよ。ちょっぴり緊張で、ドキドキで、知られてなくても、知られていても、今を味わって、楽しく過ごせばいい。
Monday, February 28, 2011
Hidden feelings...
I used to think that I would be happy just being who I am. I would be contented with what I can have and not ask for more. But now, I know how difficult it is to tell myself that in the face of...face of what? A lack of a person to share my life with? A fulfilling relationship?
It isn't like I don't have fulfilling relationships. I have good, helpful colleagues, caring friends, and a family I love and who loves me. I have people to share interests with, people who understand me and people whom I show different sides to. But deep down I think I hunger for something more intimate. How do I know this? I don't.
It's just, I sometimes think I'm very fickle. Just not too long ago, I jested about a certain seiyuu whom I really liked. I like to daydream...I think I like to fantasize. Maybe I'm reaching a stage in my life where I want that kind of relationship, the kind of deep connection I see some of the people around me are having. Maybe I'm just young. Maybe I'm just wanting something that I don't have at the moment. I don't know. It's a really bizarre feeling.
The reason for this reflection right now is because, after being persuaded by a friend to rewatch a series I ended up following this particular actor I told myself I would stop following. Already I'm watching videos of him again and looking up pictures. I think it's ridiculous, to imagine being in a relationship with someone like. His looks are my type, and with the recent coverage, I realised I like his really tender side, and the side of him which can be really deep and emotional, and how he cared so much for his family. I even started thinking that, hey, maybe it won't be such a bad idea. And like I said, I like to fantasize, and I imagine meeting this person. But none of these make sense, none of these are possible. I just...I think I might be a little frustrated at myself. I think...I feel that I was being very superficial, I was being very unrealistic. I know this is the impossible, and yet I want to continue daydreaming about things like these. Is it foolish of me?
Deep down inside, I really want someone to care for me, to tell me that they think of me in a special way. But at the same time, a part of my mind rejects the whole idea that I would want, would hunger for this kind of attention. It's not that I don't want to fall in love. I just...don't want to fall into a trap of being too eager to misread signs and jump to conclusions. I don't want to spend so much time have romantic fantasies with people I know I might never even meet, yet I'm a bit...okay, a lot...of a romantic at heart.
Maybe my friend was right when they said I have high expectations. Maybe I'm just being unrealistic. I don't know. It frustrates me that I think about this and know that I'm just dreaming, yet I don't like myself for being such an airhead. I'm being contradictory, I know. What do I want? What do I really want?
Deep deep down inside, what am I looking for in the end? A successful career? To have a family of my own? Recognition? Fame, fortune? No, I don't think fortune is the one...maybe...maybe I just want affection. I want to have someone to love and that someone to love me back. And I'm foolish enough to want to wish that it was that person, whom I might never meet, in a personal circumstance, what more to actually have that person like me. I think I'm being very foolish. Yes, foolish...but I enjoy the feeling of being in a fleeting fantasy. Because right now, I don't have anyone. And I'm not in that situation to have those feelings. So I want to project, to transfer, whichever it is, my imaginary feelings to an imaginary person. Do you think I'm being silly? I think I am...but I want this sort of feeling. I need this feeling to make myself feel human. So perhaps I should simply accept that I'm a very contradictory person, who wants to be in love, but hates the idea of being in love for the sake of being in love. Indeed, a part of me has that little sliver of hope that maybe my little fantasies will come true. But as much of an optimist as I am, I think there are still things in the world which is...highly unlikely.
It isn't like I don't have fulfilling relationships. I have good, helpful colleagues, caring friends, and a family I love and who loves me. I have people to share interests with, people who understand me and people whom I show different sides to. But deep down I think I hunger for something more intimate. How do I know this? I don't.
It's just, I sometimes think I'm very fickle. Just not too long ago, I jested about a certain seiyuu whom I really liked. I like to daydream...I think I like to fantasize. Maybe I'm reaching a stage in my life where I want that kind of relationship, the kind of deep connection I see some of the people around me are having. Maybe I'm just young. Maybe I'm just wanting something that I don't have at the moment. I don't know. It's a really bizarre feeling.
The reason for this reflection right now is because, after being persuaded by a friend to rewatch a series I ended up following this particular actor I told myself I would stop following. Already I'm watching videos of him again and looking up pictures. I think it's ridiculous, to imagine being in a relationship with someone like. His looks are my type, and with the recent coverage, I realised I like his really tender side, and the side of him which can be really deep and emotional, and how he cared so much for his family. I even started thinking that, hey, maybe it won't be such a bad idea. And like I said, I like to fantasize, and I imagine meeting this person. But none of these make sense, none of these are possible. I just...I think I might be a little frustrated at myself. I think...I feel that I was being very superficial, I was being very unrealistic. I know this is the impossible, and yet I want to continue daydreaming about things like these. Is it foolish of me?
Deep down inside, I really want someone to care for me, to tell me that they think of me in a special way. But at the same time, a part of my mind rejects the whole idea that I would want, would hunger for this kind of attention. It's not that I don't want to fall in love. I just...don't want to fall into a trap of being too eager to misread signs and jump to conclusions. I don't want to spend so much time have romantic fantasies with people I know I might never even meet, yet I'm a bit...okay, a lot...of a romantic at heart.
Maybe my friend was right when they said I have high expectations. Maybe I'm just being unrealistic. I don't know. It frustrates me that I think about this and know that I'm just dreaming, yet I don't like myself for being such an airhead. I'm being contradictory, I know. What do I want? What do I really want?
Deep deep down inside, what am I looking for in the end? A successful career? To have a family of my own? Recognition? Fame, fortune? No, I don't think fortune is the one...maybe...maybe I just want affection. I want to have someone to love and that someone to love me back. And I'm foolish enough to want to wish that it was that person, whom I might never meet, in a personal circumstance, what more to actually have that person like me. I think I'm being very foolish. Yes, foolish...but I enjoy the feeling of being in a fleeting fantasy. Because right now, I don't have anyone. And I'm not in that situation to have those feelings. So I want to project, to transfer, whichever it is, my imaginary feelings to an imaginary person. Do you think I'm being silly? I think I am...but I want this sort of feeling. I need this feeling to make myself feel human. So perhaps I should simply accept that I'm a very contradictory person, who wants to be in love, but hates the idea of being in love for the sake of being in love. Indeed, a part of me has that little sliver of hope that maybe my little fantasies will come true. But as much of an optimist as I am, I think there are still things in the world which is...highly unlikely.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Another rant post
I know. I'm here again. Every time I'm here, it only means one thing. I want to rant, about my feelings of annoyance or anger or irritation, about my personal failures. Every post in this blog symbolizes one time in my life where I felt I was rock-bottom, or when I was not in control of my own emotions. It is a time of self-defeat.
And this time? Well, I guess I am just upset over how a dear friend and colleague of mine acted today. First of all, instead of blaming others, let me just reflect on my own mistakes. I admit that it wasn't right to change a preplanned course of action. I might have even sounded a bit whiny, I don't know, I couldn't obviously tell. I did not make the situation better when I made a joke of the situation, since I know how much you don't like making jokes out of situations like these. I know you were upset, it's written all over your face. That made me unhappy, knowing that as a friend, I somehow contributed to that unhappiness. But as a person, as your colleague, I was also upset over the attitude you displayed over the situation.
You claimed that changing things last minute, using the whiteboard instead of the prepared slides and making that decision in front of the students were not professional. I understood that you have spent the time and effort to book the projector. You also felt that it was more professional as tutors if we had made the changes before stepping into that room. But how professional is it to just pull out of the session like that? How professional was it to tell us that we should just do it, and that you're not going to take part? How do you think I felt? How do you think the students saw us?
I understand that it's your style. You like structure, you like stability and consistency. You like to follow a plan. But making a split second decision to go with another method doesn't mean I'm not acting professional. It's called adaptability. It's called flexibility. Given the situation that we were running late, there was no screen and only whiteboard, I was concerned that it would difficult to see, because when I was a student and had to use the white board as the screen, trust me, it's painful for my eyes and it kills my concentration. The power cord won't reach the plug. Given all these logistics, I thought that getting an extension will eat up even more time into our already delayed start. And all you did while we were deliberating was sit at the back of the class showing a clearly upset expression. It didn't help. At least, not to me.
I'll admit that I'm sensitive. I'm easily influenced by other people. And this includes my emotions. Seeing you like that made me feel bad, and it puts an immediate end to my eagerness to continue presenting the material. But I can't pull out and say I won't do it, because that's my job. At that time, I felt that that was the best step to take and I felt that it was of utmost importance that I remain flexible and keep up a good-humoured appearance. All because I could see that the students felt the tension between us. I wanted to handle it as professionally as I could, so I made jokes, I injected a personal touch to the presentation, to put them at ease. It's not the most interesting topic, so the only thing that will make a difference is the presenters. And one of them had just walked off.
I was affected, not so bad that I couldn't function, but enough that I couldn't perform my best. The whole time I was presenting, a part of me couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. But it was part of my job, and my own personal principles on professionalism that I remain engaged and cheery for the sake of the students. And thinking about how I couldn't give them the best made me feel as though I fell short of my own professional standards.
I was upset, not so much at you, but at myself for being affected. I was not happy that I lost self-control over myself. I was disappointed in myself that I felt that I failed you as a friend and a colleague. Above all, I was disappointed that I could not put it aside and perform my best. I understand that you were unhappy, that you disagreed with what we did, and I respect that you had good basis for it, and I respect that your style was different than mine. But I would have appreciated that you could think beyond yourself and your own unhappiness and respected me, because I too have feelings.
And this time? Well, I guess I am just upset over how a dear friend and colleague of mine acted today. First of all, instead of blaming others, let me just reflect on my own mistakes. I admit that it wasn't right to change a preplanned course of action. I might have even sounded a bit whiny, I don't know, I couldn't obviously tell. I did not make the situation better when I made a joke of the situation, since I know how much you don't like making jokes out of situations like these. I know you were upset, it's written all over your face. That made me unhappy, knowing that as a friend, I somehow contributed to that unhappiness. But as a person, as your colleague, I was also upset over the attitude you displayed over the situation.
You claimed that changing things last minute, using the whiteboard instead of the prepared slides and making that decision in front of the students were not professional. I understood that you have spent the time and effort to book the projector. You also felt that it was more professional as tutors if we had made the changes before stepping into that room. But how professional is it to just pull out of the session like that? How professional was it to tell us that we should just do it, and that you're not going to take part? How do you think I felt? How do you think the students saw us?
I understand that it's your style. You like structure, you like stability and consistency. You like to follow a plan. But making a split second decision to go with another method doesn't mean I'm not acting professional. It's called adaptability. It's called flexibility. Given the situation that we were running late, there was no screen and only whiteboard, I was concerned that it would difficult to see, because when I was a student and had to use the white board as the screen, trust me, it's painful for my eyes and it kills my concentration. The power cord won't reach the plug. Given all these logistics, I thought that getting an extension will eat up even more time into our already delayed start. And all you did while we were deliberating was sit at the back of the class showing a clearly upset expression. It didn't help. At least, not to me.
I'll admit that I'm sensitive. I'm easily influenced by other people. And this includes my emotions. Seeing you like that made me feel bad, and it puts an immediate end to my eagerness to continue presenting the material. But I can't pull out and say I won't do it, because that's my job. At that time, I felt that that was the best step to take and I felt that it was of utmost importance that I remain flexible and keep up a good-humoured appearance. All because I could see that the students felt the tension between us. I wanted to handle it as professionally as I could, so I made jokes, I injected a personal touch to the presentation, to put them at ease. It's not the most interesting topic, so the only thing that will make a difference is the presenters. And one of them had just walked off.
I was affected, not so bad that I couldn't function, but enough that I couldn't perform my best. The whole time I was presenting, a part of me couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation. But it was part of my job, and my own personal principles on professionalism that I remain engaged and cheery for the sake of the students. And thinking about how I couldn't give them the best made me feel as though I fell short of my own professional standards.
I was upset, not so much at you, but at myself for being affected. I was not happy that I lost self-control over myself. I was disappointed in myself that I felt that I failed you as a friend and a colleague. Above all, I was disappointed that I could not put it aside and perform my best. I understand that you were unhappy, that you disagreed with what we did, and I respect that you had good basis for it, and I respect that your style was different than mine. But I would have appreciated that you could think beyond yourself and your own unhappiness and respected me, because I too have feelings.
Friday, June 25, 2010
A reflection...
When I look at this blog...it's been four years since I created it.
It was not a blog meant to keep track of my life...it was not a blog meant to share. This was a place where I turned to, only when I'm hurt, only when I want to cry, only when I feel alone and so apart from the rest of the world and yet my mind knows I'm being irrational...
I looked back at the posts I've made...and I noted with a form of reminiscence the first few entries I made. They were posts about my breakup with my first boyfriend. It was so strange, the way I felt detached from it...there was no painful squeezing in my chest, no "If only" thoughts...In a way, I have managed to go through this with no regrets.
I don't know if I have healed, but I think I have. After that, up till now, I have not been in any relationships. Studies just...naturally took over. It was the most important thing to me at this stage, where my future hinged on it. I see him sometimes, in classes. But we don't talk anymore. We've naturally gone our own ways. I wonder if he still thinks about me, or what happened back then? But it doesn't matter. Now, I have my own group of friends, my own priorities. Even though I didn't get into a new relationship, it wasn't as though I wished I was. I knew it was foolish to think that way. It wasn't as though I was not attracted to other guys. But I came to a point where I start to have doubts in my own feelings. I was afraid that all those are fleeting feelings, that I didn't really like the person. So I learnt to stop saying...I learnt to just wait. I told myself that if I can stop worrying about it and wait and see if it holds against the test of time, then it may be true. None of it has. And none ever said anything to me.
So I spent the last few years, being happy with my friends, getting excited over anime...and even now, I am more attracted to certain seiyuu than I am to certain individuals in my immediate life. I guess I stop myself from dwelling on it. I came to appreciate the things and the people that I have....but I told myself not to ask for too much more. A lover, a soulmate...someone I want to share the deepest and most secret part of me...I will be lying if I said I don't think about wanting someone like that. But I know right now, I'm not ready for it. Not because I'm still hurt, but because, right now, I want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in the relationship. That means I'm not ready. And I believe and trust in God, that when the moment comes, that I love someone with every fibre of my being, and that person will love me in return, for every bit of myself, I will be ready.
It was not a blog meant to keep track of my life...it was not a blog meant to share. This was a place where I turned to, only when I'm hurt, only when I want to cry, only when I feel alone and so apart from the rest of the world and yet my mind knows I'm being irrational...
I looked back at the posts I've made...and I noted with a form of reminiscence the first few entries I made. They were posts about my breakup with my first boyfriend. It was so strange, the way I felt detached from it...there was no painful squeezing in my chest, no "If only" thoughts...In a way, I have managed to go through this with no regrets.
I don't know if I have healed, but I think I have. After that, up till now, I have not been in any relationships. Studies just...naturally took over. It was the most important thing to me at this stage, where my future hinged on it. I see him sometimes, in classes. But we don't talk anymore. We've naturally gone our own ways. I wonder if he still thinks about me, or what happened back then? But it doesn't matter. Now, I have my own group of friends, my own priorities. Even though I didn't get into a new relationship, it wasn't as though I wished I was. I knew it was foolish to think that way. It wasn't as though I was not attracted to other guys. But I came to a point where I start to have doubts in my own feelings. I was afraid that all those are fleeting feelings, that I didn't really like the person. So I learnt to stop saying...I learnt to just wait. I told myself that if I can stop worrying about it and wait and see if it holds against the test of time, then it may be true. None of it has. And none ever said anything to me.
So I spent the last few years, being happy with my friends, getting excited over anime...and even now, I am more attracted to certain seiyuu than I am to certain individuals in my immediate life. I guess I stop myself from dwelling on it. I came to appreciate the things and the people that I have....but I told myself not to ask for too much more. A lover, a soulmate...someone I want to share the deepest and most secret part of me...I will be lying if I said I don't think about wanting someone like that. But I know right now, I'm not ready for it. Not because I'm still hurt, but because, right now, I want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in the relationship. That means I'm not ready. And I believe and trust in God, that when the moment comes, that I love someone with every fibre of my being, and that person will love me in return, for every bit of myself, I will be ready.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
少女ロマン？
最近「君に届け」を見てたけど。。。可愛いすぎる。
何その高校少女ロマンス。。。でも。。。風早と爽子の恋はいいね。。。やっぱり、私女子高だったので、憧れますね。。。
“私もこういう恋がしたいな。。。”と思ってたよ。でも、ちゃんと考えば、私の性格ってチズちゃんに似ているよね。。。バカと運動神経のところ以外にな。。。
何その高校少女ロマンス。。。でも。。。風早と爽子の恋はいいね。。。やっぱり、私女子高だったので、憧れますね。。。
“私もこういう恋がしたいな。。。”と思ってたよ。でも、ちゃんと考えば、私の性格ってチズちゃんに似ているよね。。。バカと運動神経のところ以外にな。。。
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Old problem again?
Ah, I'm a typical Libran after all...was what I've been thinking recently. I hate being alone, need social company, am indecisive, like to please people, can't confront others and seem to enjoy fleeting feelings of crushing on people.
I'm starting to feel a little like an idiot these few days. I mean...after hanging out with certain people for a long while, I just upped and thought one random day, "Hey, *beep*'s pretty cute..."
What!?! Stop right there! Now, I ain't got nothing against you thinking people are cute, but girl, your old illness is coming back, man! This is soooo exposure effect. Just cause you spent a lot of time together lately doesn't mean it makes the person suddenly more attractive. I know you have a problem, girl, and I think that problem is you just want COMPANY! If you start liking every decent-looking person who starts to look out for you, you're gonna be like some candle in the wind, man! And I know that you can't head or tails about the way you interpret these crushes, so I know that you're gonna get your head way in on the deep end. So, do like you always do, shut it and wait it out. Coz knowing you, it's probably just a passing fancy.
I'm starting to feel a little like an idiot these few days. I mean...after hanging out with certain people for a long while, I just upped and thought one random day, "Hey, *beep*'s pretty cute..."
What!?! Stop right there! Now, I ain't got nothing against you thinking people are cute, but girl, your old illness is coming back, man! This is soooo exposure effect. Just cause you spent a lot of time together lately doesn't mean it makes the person suddenly more attractive. I know you have a problem, girl, and I think that problem is you just want COMPANY! If you start liking every decent-looking person who starts to look out for you, you're gonna be like some candle in the wind, man! And I know that you can't head or tails about the way you interpret these crushes, so I know that you're gonna get your head way in on the deep end. So, do like you always do, shut it and wait it out. Coz knowing you, it's probably just a passing fancy.
Friday, September 25, 2009
これは。。。
何で? 誰でもないのに。。。貴方の一言で。。。胸が熱くなる、全身が止まらないほど震えている。息が旨く出来ない。鼓動もメチャメチャになって。
なのに、嫌。。。じゃない。これは。。。何の気持ちだろう? 貴方は私の何?
なのに、嫌。。。じゃない。これは。。。何の気持ちだろう? 貴方は私の何?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
