Too late

これでいいのかな?

このまま諦めても本当にいいのかな?

好きとか何とか言われなかったけど、 この思いを押えるのかしら?

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でももう。。。手が届かないんだ。。。

Dreams of being chased

Ah...recently I've been seeing some really strange dreams...and they all have a particular theme...chasing.

More precisely, I've been dreaming about being chased by people quite often lately. It's a little strange, but from what I can remember, it's happened about three times now, and in a short period of a few weeks. Given that I don't normally remember my dreams well, it must have made a significant impact on my mind.

The first of these took place in a kinda small village in some isolated place. I vividly remember there was a really big lake...or maybe it was the sea...but it was very beautiful. Then in the center of that lake, there was a small isle, and some way off was an entrace to a cave which can only be entered when the tide is low. There's a very high, very sharp cliff that's facing the lake, and there's a really big house right at the edge. In my dream, I somehow knew the house belonged to someone with a lot of authority. I mingled with the common people during the day, but at night, I had to infiltrate the house to steal something. I don't know why...but the sense of having a mission to do was there. And when I got to the room on the highest floor, before I could grab whatever it was I needed to take...someone barged right in. Somehow I knew it was the bodyguard of whoever lived there. There was nowhere to run, so I jumped through a glass window and fell towards the lake... It was a very surreal feeling, falling from that height. I could almost feel the wind rippling through my hair and clothes, the unusual sensation that I was probably going to fall to my death. Yet the only thing I could think of then was how the surface of the lake looked like beautiful jewels glittering under the moonlight. Miraculously (or not), I was uninjured as I landed in the lake...swam into the cave, and hoped the guy after me wouldn't know this cave existed. But he did, and I was trapped with no way out. The moment he called me, I woke up.

At first I thought it was because I watched too much anime, but a similar dream happened soon after that. Again, the theme was that I intruded into a building, this time a flat-like structure. Vaguely, I remembered seeing some shops there...and again, there was someone pursuing. This time, I couldn't remember why I was being chased, but I get the feeling if I get caught, the consequences wouldn't be pleasant. So I ran up, floor after floor, till I hit like...maybe the fourth or fifth floor, then I ran into a fabric shop I think. The guy who was chasing me ran off in another direction, and I ran into the toilet, or the storeroom...can't remember which. Then he was banging on the door...he knew I was there. And it was really...odd. A part of me wants to get caught...see what would happen if I did, but another part of me knew I needed to escape. So I climbed out of a small window, and there I was standing on a very narrow ledge of the fourth or fifth floor. I think I woke up at that point, because I can't remember anything beyond that.

Then the last one, which was really recent, was even more vague. I was just walking around when someone ordered a guy to capture me. Again, I don't know why...It was bizarre, because the guy drove like...a truck or something to come after me, and I was running on foot. I saw the face of the dude (looks strangely similar to Wooyoung, though) and I remember feeling somewhat terrified. At some point, I got on a horse and tried escaping on it, but I hit a dead end when it refused to jump the fence. Figures...I never knew how to ride a horse., in and out of the dreams. And the Wooyoung-lookalike was coming nearer too. Again, at the critical moment when he was close to approaching, there was a conflicting feeling of wanting to be caught, yet wanting to get away.

In all these dreams, I never really knew why I was running away, or why exactly was I being pursued. But as a psych student, maybe...I don't know, it's just my own interpretation...maybe I was running from something in my waking life. It felt like something that was way bigger than me...sometihng that I knew I should give in to, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was something like my responsibilities...maybe there's something in my life that I really want to let go off...or something I don't want to face, but I have to. Then again, I remember the vague thrill of the chase...it was slightly scary, yes, but at every moment when I feel like I'm cornered...there was always a slight feeling of excitement that I'll finally get caught, yet there's the feeling that I shouldn't "lose". It's a really odd way of seeing it, but maybe I want to relinquish control...wanting to succumb..to surrender for once. After fighting, struggling, running for a long time, there was a sense of wanting to just give in and give up. Accompanying that thought was a rush of being in a situation where I'm not in control. Haha...maybe I'm an M. But it could also mean that I'm tired of playing the leader role and having to take responsibility for...whatever it is, and just have someone lead me instead...

This is all way too Freudian, but hey, every Psych student falls into Freudian interpretation now and then...or maybe my friend was right and I'm just a tsundere who really wants to do it. XD

Hisashiburi ni...

It's been a month....a month since I last posted here...a month of calm. Or rather, there were other things, distractors...things that were much more important than me. So much work that it's almost driving me nuts...so many issues on the job and off the job that I need to think of....so much so that I haven't had the time for myself...and that means I haven't had the time to pick on the issues I've been worrying about. But finally the assignments are over, finally I have some time freed up, and what better time to reflect on what's been happening.

First off...I seem to remember being ill most times. Well, not ill, just a bit off colour, but that's something to be expected, I guess. After all, juggling the schedules of a college student and a tutor means I need to constantly on the top of the game, so I suppose it's not surprising that it's taking a toll on my body. It isn't a good thing...must nurse my body back to health once the holidays come by. Right now, I'm still coughing...and there's an ulcer near my tonsils, so every time I swallow it hurts. ><

Mentally, I'm exhausting myself everyday just thinking about how to organise all my work so everything gets done on time. The game assignment, the research...to be honest, I've put so much of myself in it I wonder if it's a good sign. I'm kinda glad it's over, so I can slow down a little now...study for the finals at a nice pace...

There's been a lot going on in the family too. Haven't been keeping in touch with them as often as I should...miss them a lot... I just want to finish up quickly so I can go home and see the faces of my loved ones. Ah, I'm tearing up a little...looks like I've really been stretched. Just yesterday, I received news that my granddad has been hospitalised. His lungs collapsed and he's now having a really tough time breathing. I don't know what to say to that. To be honest, I've never been that close to my father's side of the family, but to be so detached...should I be ashamed?

I wonder if stress makes people want to do some crazy things... My desire for learning is coming back to me in full strength. I've already taken the placement test for Jap, but my mum insisted that I should go for it next year...so that I can come back to Ipoh for te long break in Aug. I don't know...I suppose it can be done. After all, sensei is in Ipoh. Then there's the deep thirst to try out dancing...as a form of exercise it'd be great, since I'm not fond of working out, so dance is about teh only physical activity that I might enjoy. Jazz and hip hop are the top ones in my head right now. There's also drums...and guitar. How can one person want to learn so many things? I'm surprised at myself sometimes...am I a fickle person?

Ah, on a side note, looks like the flame isn't out yet...there's yet an ember still glowing dimly at the sight of the person. But knowing that I'm not the spark the person is looking for, I'll need to extinguish it...drowned out with a barrage of other things which are more important.

.......

It happened...I've been having premonitions about this for some time already. So it has finally happened...and the reason was because I had been overboard in certain ways I act...behaviour which comes to me naturally, but that doesn't make it right.

I'm sorry....was all I could say. I knew I had the tendencies to be loud, and hyper...but I never thought it would be this bad. I wondered why this rift was growing between us, and now I know...

......

I can't say anything...except that I'll try to restrain myself a little more. The funny thing is, when I feel the stress from this problem, it translates into excessive energy...meaning my hyperness increases drastically. Huh, ironic huh? But this is my defense mechanism...when I'm hyper, beyond the normal amount, it's my way of making myself numb to the pain... I feel it too much, the distance between us. I now know why people said loneliness is a very cold feeling...it really is...so I dealt with it the way I've dealt with this kind of pain. I become more..."bright". If I behave like I'm happy, or hyper, in this case...it makes me believe that I am. The brain can do that...deceive you into feeling things are okay when they're not...

But it's this device which caused this problem. I don't know how to deal with it...I don't dare to talk to you guys about it....because I'm scared. I didn't want to admit that something was wrong...but I need to know. The feeling overwhelms me..why...why...why? And it was only by design and genuine care from one of you that I found out.

It hurts...of course it does. But it's necessary. Maybe I'm a stupid person, but I think of it like this...this is the price. I say to others to pay attention to others' feelings, but I remained so blind to how I've caused others discomfort. It sucks, doesn't it...when you find out...

Maybe...it's better if I hurt a little longer from this...this way, maybe I'll finally learn...just drown for a while...yeah...

The Irony of Morality

After attending a lecture on morality, it made me wonder about morality and the human conscience. How do we differentiate right from wrong? How is that we judge and evaluate the actions and intentions of other human beings? It's simple for animals; if it doesn't harm you then it's not bad. We humans establish complex systems and concepts to regulate this idea we call morality.

According to Kohlberg, at one point, the human morality adheres to right and wrong because the rules or norms have been socially accepted and reviewed. The highest level of morality results from ethics which an individual chooses to adhere to. But doesn't that tell us that morality is not a stable, concrete thing? I mean, that's a bit of an oxymoron, no? Society tells us that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but who created the laws? Is there a universal 'right' and a universal 'wrong'? If indeed, as Kohlberg had said, laws and rules were created through norms, and that they are rules because the society decides that it is...then morality is about as malleable as PlayDoh. And isn't this visible even now? Different societies have a different system for what can and cannot be done...and even then, there are those who would bend and manipulate these existing rules to ensure that they get the biggest piece of the pie.

If we think about it, morality was simply a concept thought up by humans to maintain order and avoid anarchy. But what good is morality if we simply 'put' it on to save our skins? Because isn't that what many do? To follow the law because they don't want to suffer the unpleasant consequences...in some case, laws be damned, they just want to get what they want. Behind the "moral" actions of many lie other things...things we call pride, fear, attention...self-serving righteousness... Are we so primitive that we cannot process the idea of morality at a level higher than ourselves? Yes, we have religion..and these have emphasised on a morality that seems true, but again, we have those people who would not hesitate to twist the word of God to serve their own needs. We humans can be pretty hypocritical.

Of course, there are people who have transcended this flawed perspective, but these people are so rare, you wonder if they really are so noble. And we call ourselves higher beings compared to animals. At least my dog is sincerely doing whatever he pleases and expressing himself as he is. Perhaps we human beings have yet to undergo a moral evolution that can help us become better people...I guess we will only find out in the next hundred million years or so, if we don't buck up.

Coming to terms...

To think that the one time my gut instinct proved right was when I suspected that I was out of the running. It's strange...when I first got a vague sense that I won't even qualify to compete, it's as though I became resigned to the fact. Surely it was a defense mechanism, this strange apathy, this unsurmising callousness.

Because all the intensity I had felt over this, when I realised that there was hardly any chance that it will be reciprocated, I immediate withdrew upon the well-built fortress of my mind, constructed with logic, strengthened by rationality. It was a response I am too familiar with...to distance myself and intellectualise the emotional part of me...to chastise it so that I mold myself to the rules of logic and thereby, rendering the injury to my fragile sense to its minimum.

And it worked of, of course. Intellect and logic are great things. They can kill, suffocate, numb one's emotional sensitivity. I know now for sure that I have lost, but I am able to joke about it, to feel detached from the repercussions that should have accompanied this blow. But I am fine, thanks to my wretched rationality. Ah, how ironical that the thing that is protecting me is also my biggest liability...but for now, I shall give it appreciation, for saving my soul from a cut.

Falling out?

It's a bit weird isn't it, lately? At least, that's what I've been feeling. Like I'm falling out with you guys. I want to hang out with you guys, but can't because of the things I needed to do. I couldn't lunch with you guys due to meetings and stuff, couldn't hang out coz I was busy...and I have the feeling lately that I'm not clicking anymore.

When I try to talk to you people, it's like it's nothing more than being superficial. Something's wrong...something's missing. It's as though when I try to talk to you, there's no eagerness to talk. It's uncomfortable. It's awkward.

In all honestly, I felt left out when you guys went ahead and grouped yourselves without any hints of whether you want me in or not. In fact, it felt more like you guys weren't too keen on it. I felt that it was weird, but I thought, hey, we're all grown up. We don't need to be in the same groups all the time.

But my paranoia has only been getting worse. I don't know how to start a conversation with you guys anymore, because it's strangely silent. You guys talk amongst yourselves...but I was never able to include myself, because firstly I had no clue what you guys were harping on about, so I chose to just keep quiet and listen. And when I tried talking, the conversation ended quickly.

Am I being oversensitive? Maybe I am...but it doesn't mean that I deny what I've been feeling. I feel like an outcast, like I'm just an extra of the group...I'm not needed there. That's the vibe I've been getting. And because I still feel that we are friends that I chose not to ask if something was wrong. I don't know if something was indeed off. I don't dare to ask. Was it me? Was it something I did or did not do? Why does it feel like I'm drifting further apart from the group? It's like, having your friends go out and never invite you, yet to hear all about it later...that kind of feeling..

I'm lost and confused about what's happening. I think I'm being paranoid...maybe just too touchy lately. But it doesn't help that I really feel that you guys don't seem to want to talk. Maybe I'm just being weird lately...but it's making me lonely...

A Metaphor, Really...

Life likes to deal a strange hand to those who expect otherwise.... When one expects to better a situation, life delivers a rather dreary circumstance. When one anticipates a time of struggle, life throws pleasantries into the path. It never does turn out the way you expect it to be.

I thought it was over, this monsoon. But when I looked up to hunt for the tint of blue sky I so expected, there it was, in the distance, rising and advancing like a siege upon the land clouds of grey. I could not be prepared to face it...it was much abrupt, but there was a sliver of excitement that tingled through my nerves as the first spray began.

The storm which I thought to have fully receded struck softly against my boat. The waves were just enough to rock me without threatening to capsize the tiny vessel in which I was contained. Do I want to be out there watching it? I do not know. On one hand, I fear the danger it may pose to be exposed so overtly to the cause of my distress. Yet that which lies in the eye of the storm is a rather engaging sight. I cannot hope to be free if I fret at being tossed around in the water while vaguely enjoying the sensation. Is there no end to my turmoil against myself?

A Calm from the Storm

It has been quieter now....the storm has receded...for the moment at least. The workload has taken away the initial anxiety I've been feeling recently. Indeed, work can cure such subtle pains...or kill it perhaps. But it has no more long-term effect as a quick fix of sugar when I'm tired. I crash later...

You know, Dr. Goh once said that your state of mind affects how you interpret all the different things you feel....but I'm not sure he's entirely right. Or maybe I'm just a different case. When I'm optimistic, rather than being sorta kinda sure that I'm in it, I feel more like...that's not it. I'm a little more assured that I might not have made a possibly embarrassing (and painful) mistake, and the grip of that paradoxical fear loosens. But in days when I've had it rough, I ache a little more....and I doubt myself a little more. The fear clutches me in an iron grip and throws me out to sea, where I have to struggle to stay above it all. I lose my direction altogether, and there's nothing around me that could draw me out of this confusion. Am I so afraid of mistakes? Or am I afraid of falling in in the first place because I can't tell for sure it's the right place to be? I don't know...

Now, I'm just enjoying the short-lived peace of mind and calm of heart that the moment has provided me. The storm will stir again, of that I'm sure...especially since I'll be seeing you again.

Anata he no tegami

I really can't tell what's wrong with me.... As I write this, I'm thinking of you, and my chest feels a little uncomfortable because it's beating faster than I'm comfortable with. Lately, I've been wondering about you...what are your likes, dislikes? What are your interests? What are the things that you like talking about most?

Normally, I won't see this as a problem. I'm curious this way with a lot of my friends. I'm a very affectionate person, and I dare say I love my friends a lot....but.... It's weird that I want to know all these things...and when I'm with you, I have the chance to ask, but I couldn't say anything...

It's an amazing thing, because very little can make me speechless. Very little can stop me from talking when I want to talk, and yet...I find that I cannot speak to you when we are alone. And it has come to my notice that lately I look forward to seeing you. Yet, I can't look at you straight in the eye. The reason eludes me even now.

Even as I write this, my chest constricts and I can't breathe properly. Why do you affect me this way? I suspect, but I have no confidence in it. I can't trust myself to know exactly what I'm feeling.

I look forward to the trips home...and sometimes, when you're occupied and someone else offers that trip...in the corner of my heart, I feel a little disappointed. A strange thing considering that we don't speak during that 20-30 mins. I have so many questions, but I can't bring myself to ask. I don't know what we have in common....you are perhaps one of the few people whom I don't dare to load my troubles on...which is strange because I don't normally find it difficult to talk to people I trust. I trust you, yet I can't confide in you because I'm afraid it might bother you, or that it might reflect badly on me.

I'd say that public self-awareness is quite high. I'm conscious of the way I act in front of people, but I can be free-spirited. Though I'm aware of the things I do, I do it because it is me. But in front of you, I don't know how to act. My self-consciousness heightens, and I become afraid that I'm being pretentious. Yet, I'm afraid to show you the real me, afraid that you'll see the flaws, the things I'm not proud of....when I heard you talk about a person the other day, it sounded as though you were interested in that person....it was not the first time, you know, when I find out about these things. I don't know for sure if you have other interests, and I don't know at all if you are aware of the strange way I've been. But it shocked me because when I recall what you say, a little part of me felt a little hurt. And during that trip home, I composed myself, put a smile on my face and waited....waited till I crossed the threshold into my home, and the pretense dropped. The hurt took over me and I could feel the tears brimming up in my eyes. And I wondered why I felt like crying...was there such a need? Did it matter to me that you might have someone else in mind? Why should I cry over something which I don't know to be true, especially when I don't know I feel about it?

Since when did you start affecting me like this? And why didn't I realise it? I keep wondering if what I feel is what I think I'm feeling...but I'm scared of admiting it...scared that after I say to myself that this is how I feel about you, just to find out later that I've been mistaken. Because nothing scares me more than not knowing how I feel....yet it is consistently the thing I know the least. I'm good with theories, books...I have confidence in all things but this, and that is how I feel in matters of the heart. I can read other people's feelings, but I can't read mine...and it bothers me that I don't know.

Today, I talked to one person about this. And she looked at me with a sort of knowing look. I know what she was thinking of, but I cannot say I'm as sure as her. The only thing I can do is let time test it, as I have always done....and pray for the best.

Buddhism VS Christianity

More and more problems are cropping up with my attempts at getting financial assistance for my college fees. The truth is my parents are having difficulties paying, will probably continue to have difficulties paying for the next year or so. I'm worried to the point that it's taking off some of my concentration. My parents said not to, but hell, you already told me. Of course I worry!

My mum is making it sound like it's my fault that they're in this situation. It's my fault that I didn't get the qualifying grade for scholarship, it's my fault that my chances for financial assistance is slim, it's my fault that I chose to study at HELP. So I suppose it's my fault too that the US stock dropped 700+ points?

I don't know whether to be pissed or sad...these circumstances are not within my control, yet she conveniently grumbles in a way that hints at my responsibility in this predicament. What do you want me to do? Change college? Change major? Would you be happier if I just stopped studying and work to support you?

I like studying. I have never caught myself once saying that I hate learning. Never. To learn...to study is the only thing I know how to do...without it, I am nothing. None of my other skills have meaning if it wasn't because I liked to study. I don't want to lose the only thing that I know how to do. I certainly don't want to be pushed to the edge by something as stupid as financial problems. If I have to stop studying because I can't bloody pay for it, I might as well jump off a building because I can't fly. I've been thinking of alternatives...the most obvious being trying out for whatever scholarship or financial assistance available. The other is try to get a part-time job to partially provide for myself, but I know myself more than anyone else. I won't be able to concentrate fully on my studies, and I won't compromise my studies. I'm not like other people. I wasn't born into a wealthy family, I wasn't born pretty so that I can fall back on my looks, I wasn't born with much talent at anything else. The only shot I get at my future is through my studies, and if I lose it......I don't even want to think about what will happen....

The thing is, my parents said something that caused my a lot of internal conflict. "Why do you have so many obstacles in your way? Have you noticed that ever since you became a Christian, nothing has ever gone smoothly for you?"

I was hurt...I was shocked, but worst of all...I knew it was true. It was true that ever since 2 years ago, whenever I tried to do something, I faced a lot of obstacles. Even things which normally would not have been tough became problematic. I had to fight, I had to struggle. I always thought it was because God was testing me. But it could also be because I had created a bond while I was a Buddhist. This bond is not made lightly, because once you are bound, then you are a disciple forever. Yet, I broke this bond and abandon my old 'family'. While I believed that Buddha was compassionate, I also wondered if I'm having so much trouble because I had lost their blessings.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a believer for close to 2 years now. I truly felt God, and I know He exists. But at the same time, I wonder if this is the road I am supposed to walk on? Religion isn't like clothes, you can't choose to switch religion however you want. I know because I've suffered from the painful process of deciding....I still am. I am being truthful when I say that in my heart, there exists 2 spiritual beliefs. One is the side of me who had been brougth up and initiated as a Buddhist. The side of me who, even before I became a Christian, was taught to be 'Godly' in Christian terms by changing certain behaviours. The side of me who still believes that sometimes, your karma decides your future. Yet, there is another side of me who felt the presence of God so strongly I cried. The me who felt that God truly existed and that He is indeed here to bring us salvation.

Yet the idiosyncrasy with religion is that you can never be both. I have to choose, but I cannot because I can sincerely say I believe in both. I believe in fate, and I believe that there is a road I'm fated to walk on. Even my religion is set into the stones of this road. I believe in God, but is Christianity my fate? Am I written in the stones of destiny as a Christian? 2 great gurus once told my parents that I will walk back unto this road one day. I don't know what to say. I believe the gurus the same way I believe my pastor. They're all credited people who can speak for the religion. But I cannot make a choice. I really can't.

There is no one I can turn to in this, because the nature of human beings are to be biased to one's own group. It cannot be helped. My parents have said that they cannot advise me on religious issues, because this is a choice I have to make myself, but they're not forcing me to choose now. They say that time will show you the way, but my journey to that moment will be painful. It will be filled with obstacles and I will constantly have to fight. I don't know what to do...there is no discerning between the 2 beliefs I've held dear to me. Both are real, both are true...and only time will show me the way.

Stuck at a crossroad...

A loss of direction...no map...no signboards...no strangers to ask.... It was always like that with my life, because I lived my life dictated by other people, people who could 'tell' me what I needed to do. It's like not learning how to drive because you're always driven around. It's not something I'm proud of, but I took advantage of the convenience. And now...I'm paying the price.

I've been left in the outbacks with a car and no directions. I don't know which way to go because I don't know where I want to go. Right now there are many roads ahead of me....a crossroad perhaps....that's where I am. There are many options ahead of me.

I can choose to go in a direction which I have been dictated, but even that destination has several routes to it. An assured way is to head straight on, sure that I will reach the destination, but the road is much travelled by, and I have no desire to be the 'same'. I'm not an anti-conformist, but I seek ways to be individualistic. The other option is therefore to take a longer route which should also take me to the dictated destination, except it is much longer, and there are more unfamiliar scenery along the way.

Of course, there's also the option of choosing a destination of my own. But where? There are so many places I want to go to, but I only have so much fuel and so much time... Vaguely, in my mind, there is a destination, but it means stepping on foreign soil. It means wading in unknown waters, unsure of myself, unsure of the world, uncertain about the sight which will greet me. Will it be a path paved with bricks, or a rocky mountain trail? It is tempting, but at the same time it is frightening, because I don't know if I can rely on my internal compass to guide me to the end. There will be more signs on the way, but can I trust myself not to misread them?

Of course, I can always choose to turn off the engine and stay where I am but I won't be making any headway, will I? To stay put, is to be unable to advance...and unable to retreat, and it is not an option I will consider lightly.

It is much riskier to tread unknown waters, but it is far more frightening not knowing where I want to go. I don't want to drive around aimlessly and suddenly find that I am way off course, with no fuel left in my tank. It is...nightmarish... Yet how do I decide the path for which I will travel for the miles ahead? How can I assure myself that it was the right choice? And how can I ever know if it was wrong?

未来は闇に。。。

いったい何をやりたいのか? 自分にもあまり分からない。 ただ、人が好き、音楽が好き、言葉が好き。。。日本についての事が大好き。 この全てできる仕事はあるのかな? 心理学を勉強しても、ただの心理学者なりたくない。

何か。。。ステージに関わりたい仕事とかやりたいね。歌う事はあんま出来ないけど。。。演技とかドラマとかすごい興味ある。 今もまだスクリプト書く事が好きし。。。昔のように、変わらない。 日本語はもっと旨くなりたい。。。ならなきゃダメだって。。。今はそう思うの。未来はまだ見えてきないだけど、せめてこの道を。。。

S**t

It's a little strange, but....is feeling distant now and then a part of growing up? It occurs to me lately....when I notice that I can no longer 'key' with the things that some of my friends are saying. It's a bit bizarre....I think I'm losing touch with reality lately...or maybe I'm finally sinking back to Earth.

A lot of you are dealing with loss isn't it? Now, even with what I'm feeling...well, I don't have any right to be depressed. Compared to you, who have lost someone, whether literally or metaphorically, what I feel is nothing. All these flashes of loneliness and distance are nothing compared to what you can truly feel. That is why I must remain strong, I must remain smiling. Because I do not have the need nor the right to feel what I'm feeling now.

Stop being such a drama queen, girl...you need to learn to grow up already. Are you doing this to yourself so people would look at you? Do you think being sad and down will make people notice you? They would, but not for the right reasons.

Ah...I know more than anyone what I'm thinking of...at least, I should. But I don't feel like I do...in fact, I don't feel like I know anyone anymore.

When people look at you, they only see someone who's active, happy...always laughing and smiling, someone loud....someone who couldn't possibly understand the meaning of being in emotional pain...but I know you more than they do...and right now, I can tell you that you're just showing them a mask. What I don't understand is why hide it? If you show it, it's not like they'll flee from you. You're human too, no one expects you to be perfect....

I know they don't, but they have more reasons to be in pain than I do. I'm supposed to be 'optimistic'. I'm supposed to be 'carefree' and 'strong'. I need to remain strong so that I can break their fall...or comfort them when they have problems. I can't afford to be weak, or show tears.

You expect too much from yourself...you know that's not true...it's just what you think. You don't have to be that way. If you keep straining yourself to catch them when they fall....who's going to catch you when you fall?

That's why I can't afford to fall....because when I hit the ground...I don't know if anyone will be there. Not that I don't have confidence in them...but can they really see me when I'm in pain? Can they see me when I try to be strong? Do they know it when I cry secretly? Pain is the emotion I will show the least....when it gets through...all I have to say is, "I'm okay." Then they'll believe me and hope that I'll get better in a while. But no one knows how I can remain in pain for a long, long time.

You're being unreasonable...

Oh, but I am being very reasonable. That's the whole problem isn't it? I deal with everything oh-so-logically...with the level of rationality any adult would respect, but that's the whole thing, ain't it? That's what killing my emotions...isn't that it... The times I just wanna throw a tantrum coz I'm so bloody pissed, but I can't because it's immature and childish so I hold it in....the times I wanna just bawl my eyes out over small, ridiculous matters but I held back coz it was just stupid to cry over things that doesn't matter....the times when people come to me with their problems and I try to reason them out of their depression, but I can't do the same to myself...

Sometimes, I catch myself saying I hate myself....or at least, a part of me. But I don't want to end it....because this is the only way I know that I'm alive and breathing....because only when you're alive can you feel pain...

Great...another emo post?

Crap....it's here again, this feeling... You just can't beat it down, can you? No matter how many times I've picked myself up, no matter how many times I tell myself to get over this side of me, it keeps coming back to haunt me....

You don't really belong with these people...don't you notice? How you sometimes can't understand what they're sharing...don't you realise that you're just there....like some decoration...

I hate and love this feeling at the same time...hate it because it makes me feel miserable...love it because...well, let's face it...I want to feel miserable sometimes....that's the only time I actually sit myself down and talk to myself...like....another me...trying to catch my attention.

So I guess, it was time for another talk with my inner self..and it was again....same old issue...

Why don't you feel like you belong?

Why can't you trust that other people love you for who you are?

Why do you always try to hide, be strong...when there are others you can lean?

Why be independent and yet, yearn to let go of yourself and have someone be in total control of you?

What are you looking for? What exactly do you want?

It really sucks to feel like this...because the real reason eludes me most of the time...but I think it's the same thing anyway....a yearning for attention and love. And I've told myself again and again, I've got friends, I've got family....they love me a lot, and I know that. But that doesn't make the pain easier to bear. Because I know I yearn for another kind of love....and that kind of love is not something I can just get.

I read somewhere that I'm someone who takes a long time to fall in love....I think it's true...because I'm someone who has absolutely no confidence in myself when it comes to this sort of relationship. I've made mistakes....and I don't want to make the same mistake again...honestly, now....even if I get a feeling that I like someone, immediately I just tell myself...look, it might just be that you're having a fleeting fancy...that's all. Think some more...take your time. It'll go away after a while...and most of the time it does. It's contradictory ain't it...I'm confident and comfortable with myself in most every area but intimate relationships...and let's face it. There hasn't been any guy who's interested in me. I'm not pretty, I'm not cute...I don't know how to dress up and all....all these...really fem stuff. I can learn...but I don't want to....I don't knwo why...maybe I'm afraid of changing who I am, because I don't want someone to fall for how I look like but who I am.

I tell myself that I have a great personality, but come on...no matter what people say about inner beauty, your appearance is the first thing they judge you by, and if you don't cut it...then too bad. A friend once told me that I've got high standards..

There isn't anyone in class who can match you intellectually

And I guess it's true....intellect is one of the things I look for...as well as an attitude that shows maturity. I guess, it's because, although I appear childlike most of the time...I go crazy hyper and stuff, there's a part of me that's really mature, because I am the eldest...I'm living by myself...I need to learn to handle things independently... People may not think so, but I do feel that there's a side of me who is mature...and wants someone who is equally mature... And let's face the truth...I look at appearance too.

Why am I even at this topic? I don't know.....I'm just crapping again...

Sick and tired of myself

I'm getting tired....of life...of my family's problems...tired that I want to run away but I can't...I know....I know that running away won't solve anything....I can't forgive myself if I ran away. But when a problem comes...and it's not something I can ignore...can't run, can't hide...I can only face it head on...no matter how tired I am...

I'm starting to get sick of responsibility...and I sometimes am sick of myself...because I can't let go of my responsibilities. It's frustrating, isn't it? I know...when something happens...and it's not my fault...there was nothing I could do about it...because I can't change mindsets... But when something, especially in my family, happens...then...I feel like...I should have done something. If I shouldered my responsibilities better...then maybe...maybe it wouldn't happen. If I only I did better, if only I watched over her closely...be a bit more strict...it's sickening isn't it, this sense of responsibility. Yet, I can and will not relinquish this..I'm a hypocrite...I stand tall and try to be cheerful all the time...it's weird...I really am happy..but at the same time...I feel that I put up a mask for people to see...but it's real...

I don't want things to break...I don't want relationships to get ruined....but I can't think of any ways to solve this problem without burdening any of those three. I'm selfishly trying to change myself...but I don't want others to change....私。。。いやな人でしょう? 自分が変わりたいのに。。回りの人達変わりさせたくない。。。自分のこんなところ。。。いやなんだよ。。。

Always...always trying to solve problems logically....stifling the emotional side of me...why? It's too dangerous...I can't let my emotions take me over...if it happens...then all I have now..all I worked to build in myself...it'll all break. Have I become...numb? Hahahaha....I'm a hypocrite aren't I? I'm so good at lying I deceive even myself...but all that I say and do, I say and do truthfully...there has never been anything that is of false intention. All that I say and do...I mean them...but to feel so many conflicting emotions...to have these contradicting thoughts...I might be lying to myself, aren't I?

Where I Belong

Just one more step...one more step, and I'll be with you, where I belong...

The world appears as a shade of grey. What is there to admire? What is there that is beautiful? Nothing...nothing....everything has lost its colour...why? It used to be so vibrant...so, so beautiful...yet now, the landscape is as barren as this heart.

What changed? Now and then...where's the difference?

Your presence...your existence...it's not here anymore. You're not here...

In this hardened heart, you planted a seed, and you watered it with your tears. One single bloom bursting with life, yet too quickly wilted...all because you left suddenly. The landscape became bare once more...this time far more acutely...

Cruel, aren't you? Like a painter creating a masterpiece, but striking the eyes blind...you came with a promise of fulfilment, yet you left behind a greater emptiness. What can fill this gaping void now?

Yet you haunt these memories....your voice, your smile, your light.... No rain in here...no salve for wound...no time, no sense of anything, really...

A whisper riding on the wind...your voice? It couldn't be...but...

Your voice is getting distant...you're drifting away again. Where are you going this time? Don't leave...don't leave....

You are standing there, just out of reach. You smile...it is so strange, how everything else is grey but you. One step at a time...closer, closer... Now you spread your arms....asking for an embrace. Are you lonely? Are you cold?

The world dissolves...nothing but you now...there is only one more step. A single tear rolls down your cheek. Why are you crying? Yet you smile...then you whisper something softly to the wind.

I jump, and you embrace me with open arms.

Entry #10: Dreaming of Reality

Am I in safe haven, or false dreams? Sometimes, a person just wonders. What I'm living in right now...is this reality, or a dream of reality? How to know that I'm really here in the present, and not existing simply as a fragment of my own imagination? How indeed...

I feel, sometimes, that I'm not really here, on this realm. So removed from my surroundings, it's more than a daydream, more than detachment..it's like I'm just...not there. When there's no one to understand me, I feel even more separated from the people around me. Cold, distant, feeling nothing but the slightest interest in observing them. But it's all inside, all inside of me. I isolate myself when I'm like this, waiting for my consciousness to restore to humanness. When I feel less...empty, I step out from my temporary sanctuary, taking a deep breath, ready to face the world. In the process, I put up a mask. I never realised until now...what I'm showing the world is simply the side I want them to see. At those times of isolation, I wonder if I have not been temporarily disrupted from a long, long dream I've been creating for myself, a dream to hide myself in, to live my desires with...

If this were reality, then I think I'd be disappointed. But then, what is to be done if it is? Nothing...simply nothing...just that...as long as it's real to me, dream, reality....what's the difference?

Entry #9: Don't Belong

Yes, I know you're probably tired of reading about this, but again I feel this sense of not belonging. And this recurrent emotion triggered many questions, which I have answered myself time and time again. But what are answers but poor excuses to hide from the truth? And what is the truth?

Well, it's really simple actually. The problem is this: I feel left out when my friends go about their own businesses, more so if they start doing their own things together, without me. Problem 2: I'm hypersensitive to emotions and body language, and when I don't get the attention of my friends, my mood drops. Problem 3: It never used to be like this. Back in Ipoh, I never had this feeling that I don't belong, even when my friends left me alone. In fact, I took the time to chill out by myself.

So what's my conclusion? After much thought, I think I have it. I miss my family and old friends. Back then, no matter how many people I hang out with, at the end of the day I return to a house with people who knew me. And at school, without the need of much speech really, I had friends who understood me. And I shared so much with them that I feel a certain emptiness when I don't get to see them for a long period of time. I do have friends, but I miss the times when my friends could tell what was wrong without asking, and do the exact thing to make me feel all right again. Another thing I just realised, I had become accustomed to the intimacy of having someone really close to me, someone I knew I could lean on at any time. I guess that sudden loss did affect me.

When I saw my old buddies when I went back to my hometown, I couldn't explain it, but I feel like there was so much I needed to tell them, so much to express...and I felt once again like the little kid that I am with them. I get pampered when I'm with them, emotionally pampered, that is. Haha, isn't strange that I need my them at precisely the moment they are farthest from me? That's life isn't it? I guess...I can't act like the child I am with my current friends, not when they seem so distant from me. I can't take off my mask because I'm too afraid. Lord, I feel so tested now. I hope You'll give my strngth to see me through. Amen.

Saving Anna: Chapter 4

Stepping lightly inside the apartment, Anna eased the door shut. She found Chrissy and Sophie in Chrissy’s room. Mama was nowhere to be found. Anna understood these disappearances…she knew that when Mama was that drunk, she’d go to some cheap motel, do some cheap stuff with some guy who could put some cheap whiskey in her mouth, together with something else. Disgusted, Anna swept the thought away and took out the cupcakes she bought.

For those three, they were living in a world where words just weren’t needed. Everything that happened needed no explanation; they simply…knew. Every time they had to use words, it was for the unpleasant purpose of arguing with Mama. So they just stopped saying anything anymore. Chrissy distanced himself emotionally, becoming aloof and cold in all things regarding Mama. He didn’t react to anything; outwardly, he wore the same expression almost all the time. Sophie couldn’t go to school yet; Anna was going to try and make enough money to send her to grade school. Sophie didn’t really get a chance to get away from the apartment. She was a prisoner in her own way. And Anna? Well, Anna just put up with it.

Till one day when she was in her eighteenth year, she couldn’t stand it anymore. Mama picked up a steady from somewhere, and he had been coming up to their apartment too often. Anna knew from the first look that this guy was up to no good; then again, Mama’s choice in men had always been disastrous.

She had come back from work late at night, and then she saw blood on the floor. The first thing she did was bolt into Mama’s room. No one. Then she looked into Sophie’s room. It was empty as well. Then she heard Sophie’s soft crying from Chrissy’s room. When she opened that door, Anna had to hold back a cry.