A Metaphor, Really...

Life likes to deal a strange hand to those who expect otherwise.... When one expects to better a situation, life delivers a rather dreary circumstance. When one anticipates a time of struggle, life throws pleasantries into the path. It never does turn out the way you expect it to be.

I thought it was over, this monsoon. But when I looked up to hunt for the tint of blue sky I so expected, there it was, in the distance, rising and advancing like a siege upon the land clouds of grey. I could not be prepared to face it...it was much abrupt, but there was a sliver of excitement that tingled through my nerves as the first spray began.

The storm which I thought to have fully receded struck softly against my boat. The waves were just enough to rock me without threatening to capsize the tiny vessel in which I was contained. Do I want to be out there watching it? I do not know. On one hand, I fear the danger it may pose to be exposed so overtly to the cause of my distress. Yet that which lies in the eye of the storm is a rather engaging sight. I cannot hope to be free if I fret at being tossed around in the water while vaguely enjoying the sensation. Is there no end to my turmoil against myself?

A Calm from the Storm

It has been quieter now....the storm has receded...for the moment at least. The workload has taken away the initial anxiety I've been feeling recently. Indeed, work can cure such subtle pains...or kill it perhaps. But it has no more long-term effect as a quick fix of sugar when I'm tired. I crash later...

You know, Dr. Goh once said that your state of mind affects how you interpret all the different things you feel....but I'm not sure he's entirely right. Or maybe I'm just a different case. When I'm optimistic, rather than being sorta kinda sure that I'm in it, I feel more like...that's not it. I'm a little more assured that I might not have made a possibly embarrassing (and painful) mistake, and the grip of that paradoxical fear loosens. But in days when I've had it rough, I ache a little more....and I doubt myself a little more. The fear clutches me in an iron grip and throws me out to sea, where I have to struggle to stay above it all. I lose my direction altogether, and there's nothing around me that could draw me out of this confusion. Am I so afraid of mistakes? Or am I afraid of falling in in the first place because I can't tell for sure it's the right place to be? I don't know...

Now, I'm just enjoying the short-lived peace of mind and calm of heart that the moment has provided me. The storm will stir again, of that I'm sure...especially since I'll be seeing you again.

Anata he no tegami

I really can't tell what's wrong with me.... As I write this, I'm thinking of you, and my chest feels a little uncomfortable because it's beating faster than I'm comfortable with. Lately, I've been wondering about you...what are your likes, dislikes? What are your interests? What are the things that you like talking about most?

Normally, I won't see this as a problem. I'm curious this way with a lot of my friends. I'm a very affectionate person, and I dare say I love my friends a lot....but.... It's weird that I want to know all these things...and when I'm with you, I have the chance to ask, but I couldn't say anything...

It's an amazing thing, because very little can make me speechless. Very little can stop me from talking when I want to talk, and yet...I find that I cannot speak to you when we are alone. And it has come to my notice that lately I look forward to seeing you. Yet, I can't look at you straight in the eye. The reason eludes me even now.

Even as I write this, my chest constricts and I can't breathe properly. Why do you affect me this way? I suspect, but I have no confidence in it. I can't trust myself to know exactly what I'm feeling.

I look forward to the trips home...and sometimes, when you're occupied and someone else offers that trip...in the corner of my heart, I feel a little disappointed. A strange thing considering that we don't speak during that 20-30 mins. I have so many questions, but I can't bring myself to ask. I don't know what we have in common....you are perhaps one of the few people whom I don't dare to load my troubles on...which is strange because I don't normally find it difficult to talk to people I trust. I trust you, yet I can't confide in you because I'm afraid it might bother you, or that it might reflect badly on me.

I'd say that public self-awareness is quite high. I'm conscious of the way I act in front of people, but I can be free-spirited. Though I'm aware of the things I do, I do it because it is me. But in front of you, I don't know how to act. My self-consciousness heightens, and I become afraid that I'm being pretentious. Yet, I'm afraid to show you the real me, afraid that you'll see the flaws, the things I'm not proud of....when I heard you talk about a person the other day, it sounded as though you were interested in that person....it was not the first time, you know, when I find out about these things. I don't know for sure if you have other interests, and I don't know at all if you are aware of the strange way I've been. But it shocked me because when I recall what you say, a little part of me felt a little hurt. And during that trip home, I composed myself, put a smile on my face and waited....waited till I crossed the threshold into my home, and the pretense dropped. The hurt took over me and I could feel the tears brimming up in my eyes. And I wondered why I felt like crying...was there such a need? Did it matter to me that you might have someone else in mind? Why should I cry over something which I don't know to be true, especially when I don't know I feel about it?

Since when did you start affecting me like this? And why didn't I realise it? I keep wondering if what I feel is what I think I'm feeling...but I'm scared of admiting it...scared that after I say to myself that this is how I feel about you, just to find out later that I've been mistaken. Because nothing scares me more than not knowing how I feel....yet it is consistently the thing I know the least. I'm good with theories, books...I have confidence in all things but this, and that is how I feel in matters of the heart. I can read other people's feelings, but I can't read mine...and it bothers me that I don't know.

Today, I talked to one person about this. And she looked at me with a sort of knowing look. I know what she was thinking of, but I cannot say I'm as sure as her. The only thing I can do is let time test it, as I have always done....and pray for the best.

Buddhism VS Christianity

More and more problems are cropping up with my attempts at getting financial assistance for my college fees. The truth is my parents are having difficulties paying, will probably continue to have difficulties paying for the next year or so. I'm worried to the point that it's taking off some of my concentration. My parents said not to, but hell, you already told me. Of course I worry!

My mum is making it sound like it's my fault that they're in this situation. It's my fault that I didn't get the qualifying grade for scholarship, it's my fault that my chances for financial assistance is slim, it's my fault that I chose to study at HELP. So I suppose it's my fault too that the US stock dropped 700+ points?

I don't know whether to be pissed or sad...these circumstances are not within my control, yet she conveniently grumbles in a way that hints at my responsibility in this predicament. What do you want me to do? Change college? Change major? Would you be happier if I just stopped studying and work to support you?

I like studying. I have never caught myself once saying that I hate learning. Never. To learn...to study is the only thing I know how to do...without it, I am nothing. None of my other skills have meaning if it wasn't because I liked to study. I don't want to lose the only thing that I know how to do. I certainly don't want to be pushed to the edge by something as stupid as financial problems. If I have to stop studying because I can't bloody pay for it, I might as well jump off a building because I can't fly. I've been thinking of alternatives...the most obvious being trying out for whatever scholarship or financial assistance available. The other is try to get a part-time job to partially provide for myself, but I know myself more than anyone else. I won't be able to concentrate fully on my studies, and I won't compromise my studies. I'm not like other people. I wasn't born into a wealthy family, I wasn't born pretty so that I can fall back on my looks, I wasn't born with much talent at anything else. The only shot I get at my future is through my studies, and if I lose it......I don't even want to think about what will happen....

The thing is, my parents said something that caused my a lot of internal conflict. "Why do you have so many obstacles in your way? Have you noticed that ever since you became a Christian, nothing has ever gone smoothly for you?"

I was hurt...I was shocked, but worst of all...I knew it was true. It was true that ever since 2 years ago, whenever I tried to do something, I faced a lot of obstacles. Even things which normally would not have been tough became problematic. I had to fight, I had to struggle. I always thought it was because God was testing me. But it could also be because I had created a bond while I was a Buddhist. This bond is not made lightly, because once you are bound, then you are a disciple forever. Yet, I broke this bond and abandon my old 'family'. While I believed that Buddha was compassionate, I also wondered if I'm having so much trouble because I had lost their blessings.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a believer for close to 2 years now. I truly felt God, and I know He exists. But at the same time, I wonder if this is the road I am supposed to walk on? Religion isn't like clothes, you can't choose to switch religion however you want. I know because I've suffered from the painful process of deciding....I still am. I am being truthful when I say that in my heart, there exists 2 spiritual beliefs. One is the side of me who had been brougth up and initiated as a Buddhist. The side of me who, even before I became a Christian, was taught to be 'Godly' in Christian terms by changing certain behaviours. The side of me who still believes that sometimes, your karma decides your future. Yet, there is another side of me who felt the presence of God so strongly I cried. The me who felt that God truly existed and that He is indeed here to bring us salvation.

Yet the idiosyncrasy with religion is that you can never be both. I have to choose, but I cannot because I can sincerely say I believe in both. I believe in fate, and I believe that there is a road I'm fated to walk on. Even my religion is set into the stones of this road. I believe in God, but is Christianity my fate? Am I written in the stones of destiny as a Christian? 2 great gurus once told my parents that I will walk back unto this road one day. I don't know what to say. I believe the gurus the same way I believe my pastor. They're all credited people who can speak for the religion. But I cannot make a choice. I really can't.

There is no one I can turn to in this, because the nature of human beings are to be biased to one's own group. It cannot be helped. My parents have said that they cannot advise me on religious issues, because this is a choice I have to make myself, but they're not forcing me to choose now. They say that time will show you the way, but my journey to that moment will be painful. It will be filled with obstacles and I will constantly have to fight. I don't know what to do...there is no discerning between the 2 beliefs I've held dear to me. Both are real, both are true...and only time will show me the way.

Stuck at a crossroad...

A loss of direction...no map...no signboards...no strangers to ask.... It was always like that with my life, because I lived my life dictated by other people, people who could 'tell' me what I needed to do. It's like not learning how to drive because you're always driven around. It's not something I'm proud of, but I took advantage of the convenience. And now...I'm paying the price.

I've been left in the outbacks with a car and no directions. I don't know which way to go because I don't know where I want to go. Right now there are many roads ahead of me....a crossroad perhaps....that's where I am. There are many options ahead of me.

I can choose to go in a direction which I have been dictated, but even that destination has several routes to it. An assured way is to head straight on, sure that I will reach the destination, but the road is much travelled by, and I have no desire to be the 'same'. I'm not an anti-conformist, but I seek ways to be individualistic. The other option is therefore to take a longer route which should also take me to the dictated destination, except it is much longer, and there are more unfamiliar scenery along the way.

Of course, there's also the option of choosing a destination of my own. But where? There are so many places I want to go to, but I only have so much fuel and so much time... Vaguely, in my mind, there is a destination, but it means stepping on foreign soil. It means wading in unknown waters, unsure of myself, unsure of the world, uncertain about the sight which will greet me. Will it be a path paved with bricks, or a rocky mountain trail? It is tempting, but at the same time it is frightening, because I don't know if I can rely on my internal compass to guide me to the end. There will be more signs on the way, but can I trust myself not to misread them?

Of course, I can always choose to turn off the engine and stay where I am but I won't be making any headway, will I? To stay put, is to be unable to advance...and unable to retreat, and it is not an option I will consider lightly.

It is much riskier to tread unknown waters, but it is far more frightening not knowing where I want to go. I don't want to drive around aimlessly and suddenly find that I am way off course, with no fuel left in my tank. It is...nightmarish... Yet how do I decide the path for which I will travel for the miles ahead? How can I assure myself that it was the right choice? And how can I ever know if it was wrong?

未来は闇に。。。

いったい何をやりたいのか? 自分にもあまり分からない。 ただ、人が好き、音楽が好き、言葉が好き。。。日本についての事が大好き。 この全てできる仕事はあるのかな? 心理学を勉強しても、ただの心理学者なりたくない。

何か。。。ステージに関わりたい仕事とかやりたいね。歌う事はあんま出来ないけど。。。演技とかドラマとかすごい興味ある。 今もまだスクリプト書く事が好きし。。。昔のように、変わらない。 日本語はもっと旨くなりたい。。。ならなきゃダメだって。。。今はそう思うの。未来はまだ見えてきないだけど、せめてこの道を。。。

S**t

It's a little strange, but....is feeling distant now and then a part of growing up? It occurs to me lately....when I notice that I can no longer 'key' with the things that some of my friends are saying. It's a bit bizarre....I think I'm losing touch with reality lately...or maybe I'm finally sinking back to Earth.

A lot of you are dealing with loss isn't it? Now, even with what I'm feeling...well, I don't have any right to be depressed. Compared to you, who have lost someone, whether literally or metaphorically, what I feel is nothing. All these flashes of loneliness and distance are nothing compared to what you can truly feel. That is why I must remain strong, I must remain smiling. Because I do not have the need nor the right to feel what I'm feeling now.

Stop being such a drama queen, girl...you need to learn to grow up already. Are you doing this to yourself so people would look at you? Do you think being sad and down will make people notice you? They would, but not for the right reasons.

Ah...I know more than anyone what I'm thinking of...at least, I should. But I don't feel like I do...in fact, I don't feel like I know anyone anymore.

When people look at you, they only see someone who's active, happy...always laughing and smiling, someone loud....someone who couldn't possibly understand the meaning of being in emotional pain...but I know you more than they do...and right now, I can tell you that you're just showing them a mask. What I don't understand is why hide it? If you show it, it's not like they'll flee from you. You're human too, no one expects you to be perfect....

I know they don't, but they have more reasons to be in pain than I do. I'm supposed to be 'optimistic'. I'm supposed to be 'carefree' and 'strong'. I need to remain strong so that I can break their fall...or comfort them when they have problems. I can't afford to be weak, or show tears.

You expect too much from yourself...you know that's not true...it's just what you think. You don't have to be that way. If you keep straining yourself to catch them when they fall....who's going to catch you when you fall?

That's why I can't afford to fall....because when I hit the ground...I don't know if anyone will be there. Not that I don't have confidence in them...but can they really see me when I'm in pain? Can they see me when I try to be strong? Do they know it when I cry secretly? Pain is the emotion I will show the least....when it gets through...all I have to say is, "I'm okay." Then they'll believe me and hope that I'll get better in a while. But no one knows how I can remain in pain for a long, long time.

You're being unreasonable...

Oh, but I am being very reasonable. That's the whole problem isn't it? I deal with everything oh-so-logically...with the level of rationality any adult would respect, but that's the whole thing, ain't it? That's what killing my emotions...isn't that it... The times I just wanna throw a tantrum coz I'm so bloody pissed, but I can't because it's immature and childish so I hold it in....the times I wanna just bawl my eyes out over small, ridiculous matters but I held back coz it was just stupid to cry over things that doesn't matter....the times when people come to me with their problems and I try to reason them out of their depression, but I can't do the same to myself...

Sometimes, I catch myself saying I hate myself....or at least, a part of me. But I don't want to end it....because this is the only way I know that I'm alive and breathing....because only when you're alive can you feel pain...

Great...another emo post?

Crap....it's here again, this feeling... You just can't beat it down, can you? No matter how many times I've picked myself up, no matter how many times I tell myself to get over this side of me, it keeps coming back to haunt me....

You don't really belong with these people...don't you notice? How you sometimes can't understand what they're sharing...don't you realise that you're just there....like some decoration...

I hate and love this feeling at the same time...hate it because it makes me feel miserable...love it because...well, let's face it...I want to feel miserable sometimes....that's the only time I actually sit myself down and talk to myself...like....another me...trying to catch my attention.

So I guess, it was time for another talk with my inner self..and it was again....same old issue...

Why don't you feel like you belong?

Why can't you trust that other people love you for who you are?

Why do you always try to hide, be strong...when there are others you can lean?

Why be independent and yet, yearn to let go of yourself and have someone be in total control of you?

What are you looking for? What exactly do you want?

It really sucks to feel like this...because the real reason eludes me most of the time...but I think it's the same thing anyway....a yearning for attention and love. And I've told myself again and again, I've got friends, I've got family....they love me a lot, and I know that. But that doesn't make the pain easier to bear. Because I know I yearn for another kind of love....and that kind of love is not something I can just get.

I read somewhere that I'm someone who takes a long time to fall in love....I think it's true...because I'm someone who has absolutely no confidence in myself when it comes to this sort of relationship. I've made mistakes....and I don't want to make the same mistake again...honestly, now....even if I get a feeling that I like someone, immediately I just tell myself...look, it might just be that you're having a fleeting fancy...that's all. Think some more...take your time. It'll go away after a while...and most of the time it does. It's contradictory ain't it...I'm confident and comfortable with myself in most every area but intimate relationships...and let's face it. There hasn't been any guy who's interested in me. I'm not pretty, I'm not cute...I don't know how to dress up and all....all these...really fem stuff. I can learn...but I don't want to....I don't knwo why...maybe I'm afraid of changing who I am, because I don't want someone to fall for how I look like but who I am.

I tell myself that I have a great personality, but come on...no matter what people say about inner beauty, your appearance is the first thing they judge you by, and if you don't cut it...then too bad. A friend once told me that I've got high standards..

There isn't anyone in class who can match you intellectually

And I guess it's true....intellect is one of the things I look for...as well as an attitude that shows maturity. I guess, it's because, although I appear childlike most of the time...I go crazy hyper and stuff, there's a part of me that's really mature, because I am the eldest...I'm living by myself...I need to learn to handle things independently... People may not think so, but I do feel that there's a side of me who is mature...and wants someone who is equally mature... And let's face the truth...I look at appearance too.

Why am I even at this topic? I don't know.....I'm just crapping again...

Sick and tired of myself

I'm getting tired....of life...of my family's problems...tired that I want to run away but I can't...I know....I know that running away won't solve anything....I can't forgive myself if I ran away. But when a problem comes...and it's not something I can ignore...can't run, can't hide...I can only face it head on...no matter how tired I am...

I'm starting to get sick of responsibility...and I sometimes am sick of myself...because I can't let go of my responsibilities. It's frustrating, isn't it? I know...when something happens...and it's not my fault...there was nothing I could do about it...because I can't change mindsets... But when something, especially in my family, happens...then...I feel like...I should have done something. If I shouldered my responsibilities better...then maybe...maybe it wouldn't happen. If I only I did better, if only I watched over her closely...be a bit more strict...it's sickening isn't it, this sense of responsibility. Yet, I can and will not relinquish this..I'm a hypocrite...I stand tall and try to be cheerful all the time...it's weird...I really am happy..but at the same time...I feel that I put up a mask for people to see...but it's real...

I don't want things to break...I don't want relationships to get ruined....but I can't think of any ways to solve this problem without burdening any of those three. I'm selfishly trying to change myself...but I don't want others to change....私。。。いやな人でしょう? 自分が変わりたいのに。。回りの人達変わりさせたくない。。。自分のこんなところ。。。いやなんだよ。。。

Always...always trying to solve problems logically....stifling the emotional side of me...why? It's too dangerous...I can't let my emotions take me over...if it happens...then all I have now..all I worked to build in myself...it'll all break. Have I become...numb? Hahahaha....I'm a hypocrite aren't I? I'm so good at lying I deceive even myself...but all that I say and do, I say and do truthfully...there has never been anything that is of false intention. All that I say and do...I mean them...but to feel so many conflicting emotions...to have these contradicting thoughts...I might be lying to myself, aren't I?

Where I Belong

Just one more step...one more step, and I'll be with you, where I belong...

The world appears as a shade of grey. What is there to admire? What is there that is beautiful? Nothing...nothing....everything has lost its colour...why? It used to be so vibrant...so, so beautiful...yet now, the landscape is as barren as this heart.

What changed? Now and then...where's the difference?

Your presence...your existence...it's not here anymore. You're not here...

In this hardened heart, you planted a seed, and you watered it with your tears. One single bloom bursting with life, yet too quickly wilted...all because you left suddenly. The landscape became bare once more...this time far more acutely...

Cruel, aren't you? Like a painter creating a masterpiece, but striking the eyes blind...you came with a promise of fulfilment, yet you left behind a greater emptiness. What can fill this gaping void now?

Yet you haunt these memories....your voice, your smile, your light.... No rain in here...no salve for wound...no time, no sense of anything, really...

A whisper riding on the wind...your voice? It couldn't be...but...

Your voice is getting distant...you're drifting away again. Where are you going this time? Don't leave...don't leave....

You are standing there, just out of reach. You smile...it is so strange, how everything else is grey but you. One step at a time...closer, closer... Now you spread your arms....asking for an embrace. Are you lonely? Are you cold?

The world dissolves...nothing but you now...there is only one more step. A single tear rolls down your cheek. Why are you crying? Yet you smile...then you whisper something softly to the wind.

I jump, and you embrace me with open arms.

Entry #10: Dreaming of Reality

Am I in safe haven, or false dreams? Sometimes, a person just wonders. What I'm living in right now...is this reality, or a dream of reality? How to know that I'm really here in the present, and not existing simply as a fragment of my own imagination? How indeed...

I feel, sometimes, that I'm not really here, on this realm. So removed from my surroundings, it's more than a daydream, more than detachment..it's like I'm just...not there. When there's no one to understand me, I feel even more separated from the people around me. Cold, distant, feeling nothing but the slightest interest in observing them. But it's all inside, all inside of me. I isolate myself when I'm like this, waiting for my consciousness to restore to humanness. When I feel less...empty, I step out from my temporary sanctuary, taking a deep breath, ready to face the world. In the process, I put up a mask. I never realised until now...what I'm showing the world is simply the side I want them to see. At those times of isolation, I wonder if I have not been temporarily disrupted from a long, long dream I've been creating for myself, a dream to hide myself in, to live my desires with...

If this were reality, then I think I'd be disappointed. But then, what is to be done if it is? Nothing...simply nothing...just that...as long as it's real to me, dream, reality....what's the difference?

Entry #9: Don't Belong

Yes, I know you're probably tired of reading about this, but again I feel this sense of not belonging. And this recurrent emotion triggered many questions, which I have answered myself time and time again. But what are answers but poor excuses to hide from the truth? And what is the truth?

Well, it's really simple actually. The problem is this: I feel left out when my friends go about their own businesses, more so if they start doing their own things together, without me. Problem 2: I'm hypersensitive to emotions and body language, and when I don't get the attention of my friends, my mood drops. Problem 3: It never used to be like this. Back in Ipoh, I never had this feeling that I don't belong, even when my friends left me alone. In fact, I took the time to chill out by myself.

So what's my conclusion? After much thought, I think I have it. I miss my family and old friends. Back then, no matter how many people I hang out with, at the end of the day I return to a house with people who knew me. And at school, without the need of much speech really, I had friends who understood me. And I shared so much with them that I feel a certain emptiness when I don't get to see them for a long period of time. I do have friends, but I miss the times when my friends could tell what was wrong without asking, and do the exact thing to make me feel all right again. Another thing I just realised, I had become accustomed to the intimacy of having someone really close to me, someone I knew I could lean on at any time. I guess that sudden loss did affect me.

When I saw my old buddies when I went back to my hometown, I couldn't explain it, but I feel like there was so much I needed to tell them, so much to express...and I felt once again like the little kid that I am with them. I get pampered when I'm with them, emotionally pampered, that is. Haha, isn't strange that I need my them at precisely the moment they are farthest from me? That's life isn't it? I guess...I can't act like the child I am with my current friends, not when they seem so distant from me. I can't take off my mask because I'm too afraid. Lord, I feel so tested now. I hope You'll give my strngth to see me through. Amen.

Saving Anna: Chapter 4

Stepping lightly inside the apartment, Anna eased the door shut. She found Chrissy and Sophie in Chrissy’s room. Mama was nowhere to be found. Anna understood these disappearances…she knew that when Mama was that drunk, she’d go to some cheap motel, do some cheap stuff with some guy who could put some cheap whiskey in her mouth, together with something else. Disgusted, Anna swept the thought away and took out the cupcakes she bought.

For those three, they were living in a world where words just weren’t needed. Everything that happened needed no explanation; they simply…knew. Every time they had to use words, it was for the unpleasant purpose of arguing with Mama. So they just stopped saying anything anymore. Chrissy distanced himself emotionally, becoming aloof and cold in all things regarding Mama. He didn’t react to anything; outwardly, he wore the same expression almost all the time. Sophie couldn’t go to school yet; Anna was going to try and make enough money to send her to grade school. Sophie didn’t really get a chance to get away from the apartment. She was a prisoner in her own way. And Anna? Well, Anna just put up with it.

Till one day when she was in her eighteenth year, she couldn’t stand it anymore. Mama picked up a steady from somewhere, and he had been coming up to their apartment too often. Anna knew from the first look that this guy was up to no good; then again, Mama’s choice in men had always been disastrous.

She had come back from work late at night, and then she saw blood on the floor. The first thing she did was bolt into Mama’s room. No one. Then she looked into Sophie’s room. It was empty as well. Then she heard Sophie’s soft crying from Chrissy’s room. When she opened that door, Anna had to hold back a cry.

Entry #8: Mighty Pissed

Am I mighty pissed or what? I mean, shit, why does that person treat me so badly? I don't get him! He calls me certain names, fine! I can overlook that. He ignores me when there are other friends around to interact with. Fine, I can bear with that too. But what was the purpose of pushing me (literally!) around?! Just what was his problem?!

Ok, fine, maybe he doesn't like me the way I do, and sure, he made it clear that he couldn't accept me. But we were supposed to be friends! I mean, it's like he's doing this on purpose, damn it! Just...agh! I'm so so angry. I bore with this bloody behaviour just fine, 'cause I can field all the other things he's throwing at me. But shoving me just 'cause I was stopping in midstep to talk to someone? That's the bloody last straw, dammit! I ain't gonna stand for this kind of behaviour! I don't care whether he meant it or not, I have all the right to be angry!! He should know that I don't appreciate the way he's been treating me, not like some disposable....stuff!

I'm so pissed I can hardly speak. My friend said if you're pissed then forget about it. At least you're able to feel angry so you should just let go of the matter. Well, not until I get some morbid satisfaction ranting about him here! I must congratulate him, I haven't felt this angry for a long time.

Entry #7: Alone vs Lonely

What is aloneless? What is loneliness? Are they the same thing?

At times, I'd be surrounded by plenty of people and still...I'd feel that pang of solitude. It's like, I'm with them, but I'm not part of them. It's as though I exist in a different dimension to them. Like I couldn''t connect with them. Like I don't belong...

Why? Despite what some people say about how I socialise easily, despite how friendly I can be, it's just so tiring when I have to go up to someone and pretend. I feel so apart from those people walking down the hallway. Sometimes, when I sit by myself and my friends are just a few steps away...I feel so lonely. It's not just that I feel left out, you know? It's like, they're laughing together and I can't feel like I'm a part of their world and I feel this stab in my chest and I feel like crying... Maybe I'm being a drama queen, maybe I'm exaggerating....but I wasn't kidding about the pain, 'cause it's real.

Why do I crave social contact so? Am I childish? Spoilt? Or attention deprived?Just....why? I feel so out of it, yeah? I so desperately wants someone who can understand me, so desperately want to talk and express my loneliness...just so so lonely.... Oh, Anne, I wish you were here. I miss you so much, girl...At moments like this, I wonder if something's wrong with me. Sure, I have the option of going out to others, but really...

I'm so worn out, Lord. I really, really need and want you by my side. There isn't much I can do with this feeling except to pray that You'll lift this blanket suffocating me, ease the overwhelming dread lingering in my heart...I pray to You, Lord, to enlighten me as to why I feel this way. Amen.

Saving Anna: Chapter 3

The wooden pews were empty, and no one seemed to be inside. The interior was dark, but light streamed in from the high windows. The air was slightly cool. Anna let the door close behind her softly. For a moment, she was lost in the stillness of everything. Then she walked towards the altar, her sneakers echoing soundlessly off the cement floor. She raised her eyes, almost reluctantly, to marvel at the huge cross. Anna had never been religious; religion had no use, provided no comfort. For a heart as disillusioned as hers, there was simply no room for faith. If God existed, she reasoned, she wouldn’t be suffering right now.

However, standing there at the altar gave Anna a surreal sense of peace. The cathedral wasn’t extraordinary in any way, but it was one of the most beautiful places Anna had seen. In the cool dimness, she was wrapped in an inexplicable sense of melancholy. It was not the melancholy of the sad, depressing kind; instead, it brought her some form of calm. It was a refreshing change from the usual rocky, explosive bouts of anger and discontent she was so accustomed to.

Tentatively, she chose a place on one of the pews and seated herself. Looking up at the cross, Anna wished her life would change. Immediately after that, she chided herself for being silly. If wishes could come true, she would have been in a better situation. Smiling sarcastically at herself, she shook her head to no one in particular. Anna rose, dusted her jeans and turned to exit the cathedral.

Out of the corner of her eye, Anna thought she caught a glimpse of a shadow. She froze, and then scolded herself for letting her imagination run rampant. Hastily, she went out to the world; a world where she was used to all its violent sensations.

Entry #6: Pain

Rejection and heartbreak…both are equally painful… I have experienced heartbreak not too long ago, having just recovered. And today, I experienced my first rejection. I thought it would hurt less, but boy! I was wrong. It hurt just as much. Painful as it is, I have never thought of letting go of this life, because pain is what drives me to live. As I hurt, as I bleed, I isolate myself and let my solitude amplify my pain. You see, when I’m hurting, I can’t bear to let people see me, and the feeling as though I alone am bearing all the heartache…well, it sounds somewhat tempting to me. I revel in it, resisting it, and then surrendering myself, and resisting again. Nothing but pain…makes me feel like some angsty, depressed character out of a manga. I’m living out those tragic characters in the manga. It makes me feel like pain defines life; a mortal life full of its suffering. Sometimes I wonder if I’m masochistic; I think I am. Well, I seem to be addicted to emotional pain. I push the boundaries of the pain I feel, more and more, as though trying to see how much pain I can endure before breaking down and stop feeling entirely. I lower all my defences and let them strike me full in the chest, inflicting damage sometimes before previous wounds are fully healed. Though they may not mean to hurt me, it seems like I allow them to. I bare myself completely before them, giving the chance to hurt me. Haha, yet I never withdraw from the pain, nor do I build a wall around my heart. Why? I receive it, I experience it and in the end, I endure it. But how far can I hold back to this kind of abuse? How far before I become too emotionally damaged to be able to feel, to love? How far before I become too afraid, too cold, too injured? How far?

My friend says, leave your problems and worries to God, but it’s so built into me to worry, to think about what’s not going right. And I can’t let go very well before I bleed the wounds in my heart. Why? Am I hurting myself? Do I like hurting myself? God, teach me to let go of my worries. I can’t do it; I don’t know how. I’ve always lived my life solving my own problems, now I have problems I can’t deal with, worries I can do nothing about, yet I can’t seem to let go of them. Teach me, Father, to give them to You, for You alone can solve all my problems. This I know, but I must be able to give them to You before You can solve them for me. So educate this lost child, Lord. I pray for Your guidance, Lord. May I be able to learn how to be a little more relaxed and to put all my faith in You, and dare to lean on You when I’m at my weakest moments, for You are my pillar, Lord. Amen.

Saving Anna: Chapter 2

Anna banged the door so hard it rattled in its frame. She walked away in quick, angry strides as the door was thrown open. Mama stood at the doorway; she was screaming at her, but Anna could not hear her. Her ears were blocked by the anger coursing through her veins.

In that one year, as Mama’s drinking got worse, so did her temper. When she came home, she would start a screaming match with Anna. Sometimes, Anna tried to counter her mother’s insults with silence, but it never really worked. Today it was especially bad, because Mama saw a boy talking to Anna.

It was the eve of Anna’s 17th birthday, so the boy had approached Anna to wish her. He was simply a classmate she occasionally talked to. Mama saw that and went ballistic. She yelled at the poor boy, frightening him and humiliating Anna. Anna dragged Mama home, where she had demanded audaciously that Anna stopped attending school. It led to a hell of a row, and when Mama called Anna a slut, that was the last straw.

Stopping in front of a large shopping window, Anna examined her reflection. Her bosom had filled out over the year, and never being able to have proper meals resulted in a tiny waist, but she had broad hips. Work and studies took a toll on her sleep, but the slight bags somehow made her large eyes rounder, giving her a wide-eyed look of innocence. But Anna was not so innocent. She had lived long enough in the slums to know that she was attractive to other boys, and that stray men and strangers eyed her with a wolfish hunger. But none of them could get close enough to Anna, no. Those grey eyes glinted like steel when the men tried to come near, and it spoke of horrors and pain beyond their imagination, spoke to warn them that this was not a girl who could be taken easily. Oh, Anna was not so innocent.

Anna moved to sit on a bench on the sidewalk. She hoped that Chrissy and Sophie was going to be all right. Then again, Chrissy was wise enough to stay out of Mama’s way until she passed out from drunkenness. A strand of rich, auburn hair fell into her eyes, and Anna blew it out of her face. She dug into her pocket and counted. She had enough to buy three cupcakes from the corner sweetshop. Sighing, she got to her feet and made her way to the shop.

Now, on the block across the sweetshop, there was a rather small cathedral at the end of the block. Usually, Anna would pay no attention to the cathedral, but today she looked up and saw the little carvings of angels on the frame of the door. She stuffed the cupcakes into her pocket, and slowly walked closer to examine the carvings. It was nothing complicated, but it was exquisite in its simplicity. Anna hesitated, and then she pushed open the door to the cathedral. It was surprisingly heavy and it swung inwards silently.

Saving Anna: Chapter 1

“The biggest obstacle standing between me and God has always been the fear of not being able to believe…”

She had been disillusioned about life for as long as she bothered to remember. What was there to hope for in this grey world? She had fallen into a pit she could not climb out of, a pit full of despair, so deep, so dark. Hope…what did she understand of this word? In a heart covered with wounds, there was no room for hope.

There was a screech, suddenly, from outside. Annabelle did not react; it happened all the time. Her mother had probably staggered in the front door of their miserable two-room apartment, and most likely drunk. Indifferently, she turned her attention back to the book she was reading. Her younger brother and sister probably had found a place to hide and wait out her mother’s spell. This was life, and Mama’s screaming was just an everyday thing; she had heard it for most of her 16 years.

Mama was banging on her door now. Anna buried her head further into the book. She knew it would stop in a few minutes, when Mama had wasted her entire vocabulary of profanities on the door. Sure enough, the banging and cursing ceased after a while. Anna opened the door to find Mama slumped against her door, reeking of cheap whiskey and vomit. The front of her faded dress was stained, and her gaunt face red. Those eye bags were more pronounced than ever.

A door creaked; Christophe and little Sophie were emerging from the bathroom. So that was where they had taken refuge. Anna dragged her mother into the bathroom and proceeded to strip the filthy dress of her thin, thin figure. 11-year-old Chrissy grabbed a towel, no more than a rag, and soaked it. He wiped Mama’s face while Anna cleaned Mama’s naked body. Sophie was too young to do anything; she was the result of Mama’s affair with one of those barmen 5 years back, some time after Papa had walked out of them. The barman had disappeared quickly, and rightly too, thought Anna.

After cleaning Mama up, Anna carried her to bed. Mama was so thin she weighed almost nothing. Well, it wasn’t much of a surprise, since her diet composed of nothing but alcohol. Anna and Chrissy tucked Mama into bed without ceremony, not really bothering to dress her, just pulling the cover up to her chin. It was nothing but routine; they thought nothing of it.

Entry #5: Breathing with Relief

I've finally confronted (hm...that's a strong word) my ex. Was he really serious about ending it, or was he merely taking a rest? It bothers me, this thought, and I refuse to keep having false hopes. I'm dangling in midair, too afraid to let go, too restless to stay on. And I don't want anymore presumptions or speculations. I need an answer there and then.

So I called and asked. And he said yes, he wanted to end it in earnest. I felt a surge of...relief, maybe? It was like the last of my chains had been dissolved, the knot in my stomach undone. More than anything, I was glad he came out with his true feelings. Hahaha, I could now breathe freely, without having doubts or hesitations. What's more, I can now truly be comfortable being around. I won't have to be so aware of his presence.

I'm really thankful to God for giving me the burst of courage to call him and clarifying things with him. And God, You have answered my prayer when I asked for strength to endure through this obstacle. I didn't realise it happening but it did. You lent me strength in the form of my friends, through their great support. I believe that this has happened for a reason, Lord, for I know that you have plans for me. I will simply await to find out what purpose you have for me. Amen.